Baewatch: More places to find the love of your life
Sounds weirdly specific but OK.
We're hurtling towards week four and you're still not in love. To be honest, your degree can wait – this is a genuine cause for concern and should be your number one priority until the matter is resolved.
"But wait!" you cry, "There's only so many times I can be told to "put myself out there more", I've been outside for days."
Don't fret, O cold, lonely one. It's time to think outside the box, and test out some new bae-catching destinations.
The plethora of bridges Cambridge has to offer
My personal favourite bridge to practise the art of falling in love on is the Bridge of Sighs. Make sure you sit right in the middle of the bridge, so that you are unavoidable and in everyone's way. I don't know how to sigh loudly, but that seems like a good idea also, as everyone loves a damsel in distress. Provided you don't sigh yourself out of breath and you're not escorted out of John's by a confused porter first, you will definitely find the love of your life here. Or orgasm bridge. Depends what you're looking for, really.
The cold and flu section of Boots
Can you remember the last time you experienced a mere second of cough-less silence? I can't. The lingering symptoms of freshers' flu are rife. This is actually completely fine though, why go to the doctor when you could utilise the situation for personal gain? Hobble on down to Boots, and examine every box of medication on the market, sniffing rhythmically. Pick up your favourite, I'd say a box of Lemsip is your best bet. Lie seductively in the aisle, displaying your goods (the medicine). Wait for the sound of coughing in the distance to grow louder. Desperate for relief of symptoms, bae approaches and…steps over you. Haha, don't mind me! I was just here, chilling! I'm totally, totally chill. Oh, uh, y-yes, I'm going to pay for this. I'm going to get up right now, and pay for it. Cool.
The trick here is to stop waiting for someone to write one of these things about you. Yes, you may have made a whole two seconds of eye contact with a solid 8 in the library, but when that declaration of love inevitably doesn't furnish your newsfeed you will be disappointed. Instead: write one about yourself. Be specific with the physical and emotional details, so that the recipient of the post is unmistakably you. Feign surprise and intrigue when you are tagged. Maybe add a light garnish of embarrassment for decoration. Sit back and bask in the cult you have created around yourself. Rest assured, this post will never be forgotten by anyone. Ever. Whenever you leave your room, all eyes will be on you, you mysterious, beautiful thing.
One of those corporate career networking events with free food
This is all round a productive venture. Not only will you spy a lover here (who is clearly invested in their career, score!), but you've also already done the first date: a nice meal and nice wine, but no disputes about who has to pay the bill at the end. A two-for-one deal. It's really quite romantic and intimate when you think about it – just you, bae and the crippling weight of capitalism.
On second thoughts, you quickly decide that corporate careerists are not for you. It's time to venture off the beaten track, and by off the beaten track I mean somewhere that is still very much on the radar: Mill Road. Etch "I'm not like other girls" onto your forehead with a sharpie, throw on an oversized coat, crank The Smiths up to full blast on your headphones, and you're pretty much good to go. Ignore everything but the charity shops, falafel wraps and vintage kilo sales until you collide with someone dressed exactly like you. Whoever told you opposites attract is in fact a liar.
Why are we ignoring the fact that your supervision partner is probably the love of your life? Like every tale of romance, you were brought together by fate. They never stand you up, in fact, you can guarantee they will always be the first form of human contact you've had in days. You tackle life's (hour-long) problems together. You are the dream team. Until you discover that they have in fact done the extra reading when they SWORE they hadn't. Now they're showing you up in this supervision, gleefully adding the seasoning to your slow and painful grilling.
"'Tis better to have loved and lost (your dignity) than never to have loved at all."