The anti-wellness guru guide

Just put down the quinoa

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The Earth turns on its axis, the planets circulate around the sun, and 'wellness gurus' continue to hoodwink gullible humans into inane diets.

And I'm not standing for it any longer.

First we were attacked by avocado toast. Then, we were besieged by spiralizers. And finally, weakened, divided, and over-whelmed, we, subjected to that relentless 21st century tribe of broccoli suckers: the self-appointed 'wellness gurus'.

It doesn't have to be this way. You too can reclaim, and own, your (un)health. To assist you in this endeavour, I have taken the time to dispell a few common wellness myths; and have offered far more delightful alternatives.

Myth No.1 : Drink 5 litres of water per day

Water is the most boring thing I have ever had the misfortune to encounter. It is a substance defined by its lack of substance. Would you eat soil? Grass? Stone? NO. Water is an element of nature – leave it as it is. Even more importantly, global water shortages are in increasingly scarce supply; it is predicted that this will prove one of this century's greatest sources of global conflict. So do your bit for the planet: let your flowers wither, protect Mother Nature, and put down that glass.

look how sad stock image fish because you drink all his home

Alternative: Alcohol. (wow bet we couldn't see that coming.)

Hey, alcohol is a liquid. And it comes with the additional benefit of reducing social anxiety. Since when has bland old H2O ever helped you connect with a handsome stranger?

a bottle of Evian just doesn't cut it

Myth No.2: Eat your 5 a day of fruits and vegs

Frankly, I don't have time for fruit and veg. It's an effort to remove the skin, to chop into little bits, to wash off the caterpillars from 'organic' produce. What does 'organic' mean, anyway? Why, as a community of reasonably educated adults, have we collectively sacrificed our hard-earned pennies to the cult of 'Organic'? Just because a farmer, rather than a fertilizer , felt up your carrot, doesn't transform it into MagicVeg TM.

I also have a real problem with the storage of aforementioned carrots. (etc,). The quality of fruit and veg is as temperamental as the behaviour of a rock star, shooting up to forget their regrettable days of teen stardom; bananas in particular are particular divas. The temperature, light, and atmosphere must be perfect, if you want to eat anything other than decaying mush.

imagine eating 5 of these beasts

It's not worth the hassle.

Alternative: Snacks.

In this era of globalisation, online shopping, and mass-production, you really have no excuse not to sample as many snacks as possible – from every corner of the world.

Nutella contains milk, and nuts. it's a healthy option for children, adults, and university students alike.

Myth No. 3 Practise yoga/ meditation/ mindfulness

I mainly advise you to refrain from these exercises, because they encourage – indeed depend on – indulgent self-reflection, and, therefore, twattery. Yes, all stem from ancient religious, and spiritual practises; it is the evolution of the noble principles that I criticise. In 2017, the average yoga class is as close to 12th century Buddhist practise as the Shagaluf Lads Tour 2k17 is to Socrates. They are filled with sickening Yummy Mummies and ironic cereal -eating hipsters . Don't do it. Stay away.

Secondly – Who wants to be in a position to discover their inner self? I spend a lot of time actively avoiding the pull of my inner voice. Terrible idea. Shut it out, don't listen.

Alternative: Suppress your negative emotions!! and, given that these practises basically involve lolling about, maybe just have a nice nap instead.

bed > mindfulness

Myth No. 4 Exercise

The headband wearers, the 6AMers, the fitbit fanatics may obsess over their desire to excessively jerk their knees around – but it

The main problem with exercising – apart from the whole drippingly moist tomato aesthetic – is that , any fool who forces themselves through an exercise routine, is rule-bound to give 24/7 news updates on their Run Through the Park. Plus, injuries. Even the fittest athletes often strain their gleaming bodies; with NHS waiting times still as long as several giraffes' necks, you really shouldn't waste taxpayers hard earned cash, with your smugly twisted ankle. Don't be a tomato/prat/NHS leech. Stay at home. Watch some Peep Show.

why get sweaty when you could be having sweeties?

Myth No. 5: Don't eat sugar/carbs/ fat/ paper/ insert random substance here…

*a legal notice.* It is a seriously unhelpful, and unhealthy mindset, to ban a particular type of food or food group; this is the most damaging aspect of 'wellness' culture. It encourages obsessiveness, applies a pointless 'moral' measure to food, and can be a trigger for orthorexia. Enjoy a wide variety of food, whether it be avocado, aardvark, or angel's delight. As Shakespeare once whispered, Chocolate Cereal based Variety Packs are the Spice of Life.

Sally forth , eat nutella, smoke fags, and laugh in the moonlight.