The Tab’s guide to the perfect college proposal

How 2 get hitched

Cambridge college marriage Tab

It goes like this: you’re at your respective college Ent, far too drunk considering it’s barely 10pm, contentedly bopping along to Despacito. Your costume, a commendable effort of tape and cardboard, has all but disintegrated.

Suddenly, a cheer bursts out from your left, and you, clueless as to what horror has just transpired, join in. Alas, you’re young, innocent, blissfully unaware that you have just celebrated the start of your own demise. Thus, the seven fateful words are spoken, and once they have been uttered, nothing shall ever be the same again:

“X just proposed!” Your friend yells out. “I’m getting college married!”

And so it begins. The Hunger Games of Cambridge. Whether everyone in your college gets married quicker than two drunk people in Vegas (like in mine) or not, the hunt is unavoidable.

Fortunately, the Tab has 5 fool-proof steps to ace your college marriage.

It's not real unless you pinkie promise on it

It's not real unless you pinkie promise on it

Step 1: Make a hit-list. This is not a hit-on list. This is a friend-zone list. This needs to be so friend-zone that a self-titled nice guy bursts into your room and starts whining about how people like him always finish last. When making your list, follow these pro-tips:

Firstly, choose someone as invested/apathetic in this whole college marriage thing as you are. This way no-one is disappointed if one of you forgets to wish the other a happy-four-month-three-day fake anniversary.

Secondly, don’t choose someone who is a member of the Cambridge Union. That is the only union they can commit to. Date night > Debate night.

Finally, recall the sage (albeit slightly paraphrased) words of our lord and saviour: “If you college-like it, then you shoulda put a haribo ring on it.”

Once you have chosen these “lucky” contenders, consider holding a Bachelor-style elimination process. (If you actually have a life, you may skip that last bit.) Remember: Keep your friends close, but keep your prospective college spouses closer.

Step 2: Choose a back-up. Ensure that you mutually agree on this arrangement (obtaining contractual evidence is not strictly necessary, but strongly advised). Now, choose a back-up for your back-up. It should be noted that under no circumstances should your back-up and your back-up’s back-up be one another’s first-ups. That would just be incredibly pointless. (Kind of like this article.)

Step 3: The most exciting/terrifying bit: plan your proposal. This absolutely needs to bang. I’m talking a drunken serenade with Bruno Mars’ 2010 hit 'Marry You', a flashmob on the Bridge of Sighs, or better, both. Or, most college-romantic of all, tag them in a meme.

Step 4: Announce your college marriage by changing your relationship status on Facebook. Wait for your parents/friends at normal universities to bombard you with messages before explaining to them that you had to make it official to make the future children legitimate. (Be as vague as possible here.)

an image of domestic bliss

an image of domestic bliss

Step 5 (optional/inevitable): College Divorce.

Sad reacts only x

Sad reacts only x

Alternative steps 1 to 5: Chill out. You’ll find someone, and if you don’t then it's still fine. This isn’t going to be some extended metaphor for the rest of your life. (Probably).