ELECTION SPECIAL: Which politician is your college?
Feat. Classic Cambridge stereotypes
Unless you’ve been existing under a rock, or literally been living in the library since mid-April, you’ll know that there’s a general election coming up on 8th June.
It would be absolutely criminal for the Tab not to exploit an occasion to make tenuous links between the election and all the age-old college stereotypes you know and love. Is your college a gaffe-prone publicist’s nightmare, an insufferable plastic politician or a die-hard activist for social justice? The Tab has the answers.
Queens’ – Nick Clegg
Queens’ students are just too keen and friendly for their own good. Like them, Clegg probably thinks that Cindies is a superclub, that VKs are ‘hard’ and that the Pres-Life-Gardies vicious circle represents ‘the sesh’. The college is pretty beautiful on one side of the river, but on the other it’s as disappointing as the Lib Dems’ 2015 election performance. But even Clegg’s abysmal popularity numbers are higher than Queens’ dwindling endowment.
Gonville and Caius – Jacob Rees-Mogg
Stuffy, old-fashioned and anachronistically posh, Caius’ draconian formal policy would be Mogg’s authoritarian wet dream. He’d be right at home in Caius’ clubby, wood-panelled bar, cracking jokes about privatisation with the CUCA boys. In every Caian there’s a Tory backbencher – it’s sad, but it’s true.
Pembroke – Diane Abbott
Diane Abbott was initially known as the first trailblazing black female MP and, just like her, Pembroke was once deservedly loved and respected. But plagued by a recent series of major political blunders, Pembroke is now more comfortable on the sidebar of shame than at the top of the Tompkins table. Bad press comes and goes though, so who knows what the future holds for either of these two.
St. John’s – Nigel Farage
Think red-faced, red-chinoed, Carling-chugging wanker and you’ve got the stereotypical John’s student. Needless to say every Johnian is pretty desperate to have their own Brexit from the Cripps Building. Let’s take back control (from indescribably vile architecture). Like UKIPpers, they move among us undetected until their burning desire to eat swan or a flash of their signet ring betrays their true identity.
King’s – Caroline Lucas
Social Justice Warriors fighting for peace, love and rainbows. Not even Jezza’s enough to live up to the infamous Soviet flag that hangs in the King’s bar. Even if you’re a Tory (or an irritating tourist), the King’s student is unflappably lovely and polite. But don’t even think about denying climate change in front of them, or they’ll send you packing with all the severity of a King’s porter.
Trinity – Theresa May
Strong and stable at the top of the Tompkins Table. Trinity is rich, powerful and deadly – deadly dull that is. Even a Trinity mathmo’s got more chat than the Prime Minister. Just like Theresa, Trinity students are a bit afraid of plebs from those other, lesser colleges so they employ an army of bowler-hatted porters to keep out the impostors.
Trinity Hall – Amber Rudd
Amber Rudd lives in the shadow of the Ice Queen herself, doing her bidding with all the energy Tit Hallers put into telling people that their college isn’t just a pale imitation of its bigger, more illustrious sister.
Hughes Hall – Jonathan Bartley
Sidney Sussex – Phillip Hammond
Phillip Hammond lurks in the corner of British politics just as Sidney lurks beside Sainsbury’s. Easily forgettable, distinguished for nothing, painfully middling.
Girton – Nicola Sturgeon
It must be hard for wee Nicola to commute from another country to get to Westminster, yet this journey’s nothing compared to the intrepid bike ride from Girton to town. The Girtonian feels the need constantly to justify that they’re a real Cambridge student and that ‘it’s really worth the cycle’. In their own village they’re pretty much independent already. Maybe Nicola could get some pointers?
Peterhouse – Boris Johnson
Small, posh and just a little bit odd, Peterhouse is the spiritual home of Britain’s least favourite bungler. Peterhouse’s vast wealth keeps them afloat despite their concerning willingness to host the infamous Adonian society dinner, rather like BoJo’s connections have inexplicably kept him at the top of British politics.
Downing – Daniel Zeichner
Downing is synonymous with power. Its wealthy alumni control the legal world from the moment they leave their plush Downing double beds. It’s pretty hard to tell whether Daniel or Downing has more control over Cambridge affairs, with Downing members being found on pretty much every committee under the sun. Labour could be making the laws after 8th June, but it’ll always be Downing-ites fighting the cases.
Magdalene – David Cameron
If ‘Call me Dave’ Cam were at Cambridge he’d be a Magdalene boy. Cameron’s pretty much a human signet ring: vacuously ostentatious. This suits Magdalene’s obnoxious drinking society, obscenely high private school intake and white tie ball perfectly. But hey, at least he could ‘chillax’ to his heart’s content with the Wyverns, wishing with every sip of port that he were at John’s.
Robinson – Jeremy Corbyn
Robinson’s buildings are as obnoxiously red as Jezza’s politics. ‘Nuff said.
Emmanuel – Emily Thornberry
Emily Thornberry might be the most irritatingly smug woman in politics, and Emma students have plenty reason to be smug. They’ve got free washing, a swimming pool and adorable ducks. At least until you realise that the pool’s not heated (read: f***ing freezing), washing is actually not that hard and the idea of making ducks fellows of the college is just complete Caligula-esque madness.
Jesus/Christ’s/Corpus Christi/St. Catharine’s – Tim Farron
Jesus/Christ/Saints = Religion. Tim Farron = Religious. Putting two and two together = quality journalism.
Clare – Julian Huppert
Not only is he a fellow of Cambridge’s most Cambridge-y college but Julian Huppert is also a rockin’ DJ. He’d feel just as comfortable spinning some tunes in the Clare Cellars as at the Lib Dem Disco (Conference 2015 sounded #lit). This election’s going to be almost as competitive as getting into Clare. So he’ll have to fend off Daniel Zeichner just like the Clare porters fend off nosy tourists during exam term.
Churchill – Paul Nuttall
Not particularly attractive, male-dominated and rather far away (from ever being PM), Churchill is the embodiment of UKIP’s leader. With a foreign policy aggressive enough for even Churchill himself, Paul Nuttall represents the tough-talking, authoritarian politics that is suggested by the college’s brutal architecture. Unfortunately for Paul, this election has been the kind of daily uphill struggle that the Churchillian faces, huffing and puffing their way up Madingley Rd. every afternoon on the way back from lectures.
But let’s be honest, winning an election is child’s play compared with surviving Cambridge exam season.