Cambridge’s worst dating stories
Is your love life this much of a train wreck?
To be honest, what were we expecting?
Encouraging awkward Cantabs to negotiate the minefields of romance, dating, and sweet, sweet lovin’ was always bound to be messy. And/or plain underwhelming.
However, it’s not all bad. RAG, sponsored by Deliveroo, sent in some of your worst experiences, allowing The Tab to capitalise on the misery of the Cambridge dating scene by compiling them into an article. So, thanks for that. Deliveroo have offered a £100 prize for the best (or worst) Blind Date story so for one lucky person, the suffering will have all been worth it. You can vote at the bottom for who you think deserves it the most!
Read on for that healthy dose of Schadenfreude that we all so deeply crave. There’s nothing quite as satisfying as the realisation that however horrific your own dating history has been, somebody out there has had it even worse.
“The person I got was very cute but the ex-boyfriend of one of my best friends. To make the best of the situation, I outsourced the date to a close friend who was newly single and let them have a good time whilst I had a quiet night in with my work.
Worth every penny.”
Alice, Corpus Christi
“We took the Corpus master’s dog for a walk. Initially, all was well. As the date progressed however, the dog decided to shit four times within a ten minute period. My date did not offer to shit-pick during a single one of these horrifying incidents, and I’m sad to say, the shits were not of a particularly firm or solid variety.
I nearly retched as my fingers struggled from within the poop bag to find a purchase on the slimy, yellowish mess that was splattered on the grass.
We could not find a poop bin for several miniutes; I was left cradling soft, warm pouches of poop in my own fair hands. I had a prescient flash forward to parenting alongside my just-met date, and realised what was in store for me – a lifetime of shit-picking without my date lifting a finger to mitigate my trauma.
“I didn’t sign up for this” he stated, time and time again. We didn’t meet again.”
“Around 2 minutes in it became clear that my date and I had nothing in common but I was making an active effort to fill the awkward silences with some small talk. When the waiter came to take our order, he ordered La Reine pizza which is my favourite but I didn’t want him to think we had any kind of connection so I ordered the American.”
“So things started off fairly chilled out.
I had said on my form that I love Greek food (and men…) , so we both decided to hit up the finest Grecian establishment in Cambridge, the Gardenia. Things quickly got out of hand, as I had far too much to drink, and I decided to head behind the counter where I was pushed around by the staff, had lettuce thrown at me and promptly kicked out.
The night then came to an end with my date whisking me away to John’s North Court, before leaving me strewn across the grass.”
“After quizzing a mutual friend of my blind date, beforehand, I quickly became aware of the fact that the guy actually had a crush on a girl from my college and course (let’s call her C). I thought I’d give it a go anyway, as I’d only signed up for a laugh.
However, after being over an hour late, he proceeded to ask, “so do you know C?”, as soon as I walked through the door. At this point I know all romantic potential is gone. To be fair, I was not particularly upset as I am a rather tall girl (5ft11) and had bribed for someone over 6ft, yet this guy was a good couple of inches shorter than me. Don’t judge me please – also, what happened RAG reps?
Even worse this guy was a medic and the thing that he had done the day before was a penis dissection. Despite my attempts to move the conversation on, I got details of the smell, the anatomy and the fact that “no-one else really wanted to start” so he just “dove right in there”. I had to pull the classic of messaging my friend from the loo to come over and save me from the penis dissection-themed hell that beckoned for the next few hours.
Needless to say, he didn’t get a particularly good report when I updated C on the events when I finally escaped.”
“1 condom, 3 squirts
1 shag, 1 blowjob, 1 other
Is this a haiku, Craig? And, don’t worry, I had to Urban Dictionary the meaning of ‘CPW’, too.
Alice won the Deliveroo award!