BIGGEST BNOCS: Top 50
Yeah, this thing again
You’ve had the big fish in a small pond. Now it’s time for the slightly smaller, less well-known fish. Read on to find out the Top 11 – 50 biggest BNOCs in Cambridge.
For those who didn’t make the top 10 – and therefore have a ego-massaging profile written about themselves, they still deserved the endorsement of The Tab.
The campaign trail for BNOC success saw featured Cantabs deploying any and every underhand tactic imaginable to secure votes. Early on in the campaign, next term’s Union Speakers Officer and resident Editor of TabTV Jonah Surkes pulled in the heavy weights to ensure success:
Meanwhile, local BNOC Johnny Burrow (who presented one-of-those-Cindies-videos-which-always-have-similar-titles in circa 4000 BC) even managed to secure a public endorsement from a global nearly-BNOC.
Then, in what turned out to be the biggest shock of the whole competition, a late entrant with newfound BNOC fame became the focus of an agenda-setting, internationally successful ambush campaign to take home the ultimate prize, to be crowned #1 Tab BNOC, later taken by Amatey ‘The King’ Doku on Friday morning.
If all of these extreme Facebook tactics reveal anything (other than the fact that some Cantabs seem to have a surprising amount of time to use Facebook over their degrees) it’s that Cantabs care an awful lot about their social validation. So, here you go, dear Cantab. Be appeased.
Our Top 11 – 50 BNOCs
11. Lola Erogbogbo – Clare (Sports)
12. Jack Lewy – Tit Hall (Union Hack, Professional Networker, Person that most people know but don’t know why) – “Loves nerf gun fights”
13. Jacob Lange – Selwyn (Sport, Blue, Drinking Soc Champion) – “When I asked his name in freshers’ week, he replied with ‘You don’t know? I’m Jacob Lange, the BNOC”
14. Lare Erogbogbo – Jesus (Sports)
15. Jamie Roberts – Queens’ (Sports) – Plays Rugby Union for Wales
16. Sophie Buck – Sabb (Social Justice Warrior, CUSU king / queen) – CUSU Welfare and Rights Rep
17. Audrey Sebatindira – Sabb (CUSU king / queen, Social Justice Warrior) – “Once punched her supervisor in the face for feminism”
18. Josh Jackson – Queens’ (Union Hack, College JCR Fame, Professional Networker, CULC, Social Justice Warrior, Facebook Fame) – “He’s a total society hack; he must’ve run in about 10 in about five terms!”
19. Oliver Yeates – John’s (Journalism Hack) – “He’s fit and 10/10 would bang. Also he’s a beacon of hope in the shade thrown by cuntry living obsessives”
20. Seth Kruger – Caius (ADC / theatre scene) – “Keeps two life-size paintings of himself in his room”
21. Luke Hepenstall-West – Queens’ (CULC, Journalism Hack)- “He wrote an article on how to be a BNOC so that surely deserves him a place?”
22. Josh Ellis – Queens’ (Union Hack, Journalism Hack, Facebook Fame) – “Lost Union election but still somehow relevant. Bring back Shoulda Woulda Kuda”
23. Will Dalrymple – Jesus (ADC / theatre scene, Comedy, Footlights) – “Reading his comedy homo-erotica (“Man to Man”) at a Corpus Smoker in front of the Master of Corpus and his wife.”
24. Jason Okundaye – Pembroke (Social Justice Warrior, Facebook Fame) – “New profile picture broke the internet”
25. Julian Sutcliffe – Peterhouse (Social Justice Warrior, University Challenge)
26. Rajiv Shah – Downing (CUCA, Objective Wanker, Person that most people know but don’t know why) – “Has been in Cambridge since 2010. Used to be BNOC in Faculty (Law) and College. Had fallen to oblivion but came back from the dead to Save the Class List and Western Civilisation.”
27. Jasmin Rees – Newnham (ADC / theatre scene, Comedy) “People fight over who likes her more.”
28. Joe Shalom – Queens’ (ADC / theatre scene, Comedy, Footlights, Sport, College JCR Fame, Drinking Soc Champion) “Kidnapped by ARU students on way home from life”
29. Leyla Gumusdis – Peterhouse (Union Hack, Professional Networker) “She literally broke the room ballot system at Peterhouse. Freak.”
30. Keir Baker – Selwyn (College JCR Fame, Journalism Hack) “The only Communications Officer is history to be banned, for a whole of term, for communicating with the student body…”
31. Ore Ogunbiyi – Jesus (College JCR Fame, Social Justice Warrior) “Queen of Facebook likes”
32. Declan Amphlett – Trinity (ADC / theatre scene, Comedy, Footlights, Person who couldn’t shut up on the offer holders group) “Once cried whilst watching Thomas the tank engine”
33. Jonah Surkes – Clare (Union Hack, College JCR Fame, Professional Networker, Tab TV) “He was in the queue for life once and two freshers turned round and said ‘OMG r u Jonah Surkes’ and then they asked for photos. I’ve never seen Jonah so happy.”
34. Mark Bittlestone – Pembroke (ADC / theatre scene, Comedy, Footlights, Drinking Soc Champion, Objective Wanker) “Downs a pint in four seconds”
35. Penelope Jones – Pembroke (Union Hack) “She will so be president of the union.”
36. Gerard Lyons – Sidney (College JCR Fame, Professional Networker, Facebook Fame) “Claims a monopoly over the holy trinity of black cards, being a Kuda Black Card, a Pitt Club card and a Coutts Card”
37. Keir Murrison – Emmanuel (Union Hack, College JCR Fame, Social Justice Warrior, CUSU king / queen) “Always knows how to put a smile on my face, is the ultimate drinking buddy”
38. Tim Lornie – Downing (College JCR Fame, Social Justice Warrior, Facebook Fame) “Lovingly known as earnest Tim”
39. Johnny Burrow – Catz (Professional Networker, Journalism Hack, Tab TV and Cam FM) “Notorious for his questionable leather jacket and horrible radio show”
40. Julie Wise – Homerton (Sport, Blue, College JCR Fame, CULC, Social Justice Warrior) “Has 555 likes on her profile picture!!”
41. Yash Singh – Jesus (Professional Networker, Drinking Soc Champion) “Always found in Life or Cindies”
42. Jack Lewis – Tit Hall (Law Soc, Facebook Fame) “Word on the grapevine is that he’s creating the new Facebook”
44. Sam-Henry Pressling – Trinity (Sport, Blue, Drinking Soc Champion, Person that most people know but don’t know why)
45. Ted Mackey – Selwyn (College JCR Fame, Journalism Hack) “No-one can understand a word he says #NorthernIrish”
46. Elinor Lipman – Corpus (ADC / theatre scene, Person that most people know but don’t know why) “Banter merchent”
47. Pedro Ornelas – Pembroke (Professional Networker, Person that most people know but don’t know why, Facebook Fame)
48. Jack Drury- Caius (College JCR Fame, CUCA) “Attended Lola’s in his gown”
49. Hepsi Adeosun – Caius (Sport, Blue, College JCR Fame, Professional Networker, Facebook Fame, Legend)
50. Harry Stovin-Bradford – Fitz (Union Hack, Objective Wanker) “Once Harry bought a velvet dinner jacket and polka dot bow tie, so I bought a velvet dinner jacket and Polka dot bow tie”
There you have it, Cambridge. Another year, another constellation of insecure Cantabs have allowed a non-serious Tab competition to take over their lives. For more BNOC-related paraphernalia, check out our 10 biggest names in Cambridge.
If you were in the top 100, but failed to make it into the top 50 and desperately want to know how mediocre your position was, feel free to email [email protected] We will only tell the BNOCs featured themselves.