What pet should you keep at your college?

Cambridge is pretty much a zoo anyway

cat dog elephant pet pets which is your college which pet

It’s week five, my Agony Aunt column failed, and I am desperate to go to formal so buckle up and prepare for a rushed article full of cliche jokes about your college. That is unless your college is dull, and I have nothing to say about them.

Christ’s – Worm
The only interesting thing about Christ’s unfortunately is that its one famous alumnus is Charles Darwin. Naturally you’d think that this would make the recommendation for a pet at Christ’s interesting and the “pinnacle” of evolution. But no, Darwin himself really liked worms so there you go.

Churchill – Labradoodle
Churchill tries to fit in with the rest of Cambridge, but unfortunately is just horribly modern and looks ghastly. Nothing suits you more than a new money labradoodle.

I suppose someone has to give the blind architects/dog breeders a job

Corpus Christi – Elephant
If you’re at Corpus you might as well get an elephant as a pet as your college is pretty much the elephant in the room. Especially with that god-awful clock.

Emmanuel – Duck
As far as I’m aware, the only thing Emma has going for it is that it has a duck pond in college. Don’t bother getting a pet, just steal one of those.

I can’t be ducked to write a witty caption

Fitzwilliam – Goldfish
Fitzwilliam has terrible, and small accommodation so about the only thing you can fit in your room is probably a goldfish.

Girton – Carrier Pigeon
In case you weren’t aware, Girton is far away. Might as well get a pet that helps you keep in touch with your pre-computer-era supervisors.

My essays are always late anyway.

Homerton – Horse
Homerton is far away too (yup, reusing the same joke twice) but it’s students are slightly better off, and more sociable than Girton so get Daddy to buy you a nice pony to bring you into Cambridge.

Jesus – Cockerel
With your Benin cockerel being repatriated, you’ll have to make up for the loss somehow. So when in Rome, do as the romans, and when in a gay orgy, or studying at Jesus, grab yourself a cock.

You’re probably all vegans anyway and won’t keep pets.

King’s – In soviet King’s you don’t have a pet, a pet has you
As we all know, King’s bar has a beautiful Soviet Union flag on the wall – in Soviet King’s you don’t have pet, pet has you.

Magdalene – Chocolate Labrador
Magdalene students are all a little bit establishment, as ed-gy as they try to be whilst at university. A chocolate lab will be your secret home comfort in your room.

Sleep well tonight, arachnophobes!

Murray Edwards – Black Widow
Go on Medwardians, buy yourselves a pet that admits you are the true man-eaters of Cambridge.

Pembroke – Snail
After everything you’ve been through recently with your culturally-appropriating hall menus, and money-burning students you’ll probably want to get a pet that can sympathise with your desire to withdraw into your shells.

Peterhouse – Sponge
Petreans are very proud of the fact that they’re from the oldest college and so obviously you should go for the most basal of all animals, the sponge.

Queens’ – Dolphin
As your college slowly sinks into the Cam you might as well get a pet that you can use to navigate the waterways that will become your new home.

Both Petreans and sponges get stressed by current events.

Robinson – Snake
Let’s face it, Robinson snaked it’s way into being a college in the 1970s so you should all just admit it, and buy a pet that represents you.

St. Catharine’s – Cat
Not even going to pretend that this is any more of a connection than they sound similar. Ha.

I never meet any St. Eddies students – they live such shell-tered lives.

St. Edmund’s – Tortoise
Nothing witty to write here, just another “St. Edmund’s students are old” joke.

St. John’s – Peacock
Johnians, set in their decadent ways with college rings, and Daily-Mail-Entering drinking societies should obviously opt for a peacock to show off how splendid they are (in their opinion) in the most ostentatious way.

They really are birds of a feather.

Selwyn – Pangolin
The obvious recommendation for Selwyn is a Pangolin so that there’s at least something interesting about you.

Trinity College – Bear
Naturally, with Lord Byron himself studying at Trinity and actually accommodating a pet bear, it should be recommended that all Trinitarians get themselves one.

Insert byronic comment here.

Trinity Hall – Teddy Bear
If you’re at Tit Hall you should probably just get a teddy bear. Everyone confuses you with Trinity but in reality you’re just a lot smaller, less impressive, and don’t really do much.

Make sure you don’t get caught by your college with your pet.