What pet should you keep at your college?

Cambridge is pretty much a zoo anyway

It’s week five, my Agony Aunt column failed, and I am desperate to go to formal so buckle up and prepare for a rushed article full of cliche jokes about your college. That is unless your college is dull, and I have nothing to say about them.

Christ’s – Worm
The only interesting thing about Christ’s unfortunately is that its one famous alumnus is Charles Darwin. Naturally you’d think that this would make the recommendation for a pet at Christ’s interesting and the “pinnacle” of evolution. But no, Darwin himself really liked worms so there you go.

Churchill – Labradoodle
Churchill tries to fit in with the rest of Cambridge, but unfortunately is just horribly modern and looks ghastly. Nothing suits you more than a new money labradoodle.

I suppose someone has to give the blind architects/dog breeders a job

Corpus Christi – Elephant
If you’re at Corpus you might as well get an elephant as a pet as your college is pretty much the elephant in the room. Especially with that god-awful clock.

Emmanuel – Duck
As far as I’m aware, the only thing Emma has going for it is that it has a duck pond in college. Don’t bother getting a pet, just steal one of those.

I can’t be ducked to write a witty caption

Fitzwilliam – Goldfish
Fitzwilliam has terrible, and small accommodation so about the only thing you can fit in your room is probably a goldfish.

Girton – Carrier Pigeon
In case you weren’t aware, Girton is far away. Might as well get a pet that helps you keep in touch with your pre-computer-era supervisors.

My essays are always late anyway.

Homerton – Horse
Homerton is far away too (yup, reusing the same joke twice) but it’s students are slightly better off, and more sociable than Girton so get Daddy to buy you a nice pony to bring you into Cambridge.

Jesus – Cockerel
With your Benin cockerel being repatriated, you’ll have to make up for the loss somehow. So when in Rome, do as the romans, and when in a gay orgy, or studying at Jesus, grab yourself a cock.

You’re probably all vegans anyway and won’t keep pets.

King’s – In soviet King’s you don’t have a pet, a pet has you
As we all know, King’s bar has a beautiful Soviet Union flag on the wall – in Soviet King’s you don’t have pet, pet has you.

Magdalene – Chocolate Labrador
Magdalene students are all a little bit establishment, as ed-gy as they try to be whilst at university. A chocolate lab will be your secret home comfort in your room.

Sleep well tonight, arachnophobes!

Murray Edwards – Black Widow
Go on Medwardians, buy yourselves a pet that admits you are the true man-eaters of Cambridge.

Pembroke – Snail
After everything you’ve been through recently with your culturally-appropriating hall menus, and money-burning students you’ll probably want to get a pet that can sympathise with your desire to withdraw into your shells.

Peterhouse – Sponge
Petreans are very proud of the fact that they’re from the oldest college and so obviously you should go for the most basal of all animals, the sponge.

Queens’ – Dolphin
As your college slowly sinks into the Cam you might as well get a pet that you can use to navigate the waterways that will become your new home.

Both Petreans and sponges get stressed by current events.

Robinson – Snake
Let’s face it, Robinson snaked it’s way into being a college in the 1970s so you should all just admit it, and buy a pet that represents you.

St. Catharine’s – Cat
Not even going to pretend that this is any more of a connection than they sound similar. Ha.

I never meet any St. Eddies students – they live such shell-tered lives.

St. Edmund’s – Tortoise
Nothing witty to write here, just another “St. Edmund’s students are old” joke.

St. John’s – Peacock
Johnians, set in their decadent ways with college rings, and Daily-Mail-Entering drinking societies should obviously opt for a peacock to show off how splendid they are (in their opinion) in the most ostentatious way.

They really are birds of a feather.

Selwyn – Pangolin
The obvious recommendation for Selwyn is a Pangolin so that there’s at least something interesting about you.

Trinity College – Bear
Naturally, with Lord Byron himself studying at Trinity and actually accommodating a pet bear, it should be recommended that all Trinitarians get themselves one.

Insert byronic comment here.

Trinity Hall – Teddy Bear
If you’re at Tit Hall you should probably just get a teddy bear. Everyone confuses you with Trinity but in reality you’re just a lot smaller, less impressive, and don’t really do much.

Make sure you don’t get caught by your college with your pet.

University of Cambridge cat dog elephant pet pets which is your college which pet