Clubbers of the Week: Week Two

From bad to worse.

Week 2 is the new week 5.

By now, any delusions you may have held at the start of term about making all your lectures and meeting all your deadlines have crumbled into nothingness, and the only thing more alarming than the standard of your supervision work is the prospect of checking your bank balance. Or, you know, checking to see if you’re in this article.

Squad of the Week

We all know that the key to every good squad photo is formation. Here, when viewed from right to left, these girls represent the three main stages of drunkenness: first, you start to let your hair down; next, you become just that little bit too flirty, and finally, you’re a gargling wreck on the pavement who doesn’t know which way is up and can’t quite work out how to use your arms.

The girl on the left sums up all my feelings towards Fez.

Lads of the Week

The author wishes to note that for the purposes of this article, the term “lads” is interchangeable with “wankers”.

UKIP me hangin’ on.

Shooting down the birds.

Facial Hair of the Week

If the sheer luxurious volume of this gentleman’s beard weren’t enough, then its colour 100% secures him as the winner of this week’s category. You just know he’s burnt down a couple of monasteries on his way to the club.

Halfway through invasion and chill and he gives you this look.

Runner Up

The Tab appreciates the valiant efforts of the man on the left: what he lacks in hairs, he makes up for in chins.

No facial hair, don’t care.

Cringe of the Week

Hi, my name’s Alice Cattley, and I take the piss out of other people to feel better about myself.

Idk he looks pretty over-cooked to me.

When the lights come on and you realise what a terrible mistake you’ve made.

Someone’s a little too keen to win “Facial Hair of the Week.”

The miracle of Life: pretty sure I saw this scene in ‘One Born Every Minute’.

A picture says a thousand words.

Bromance of the Week

Sometimes, from the midst of all that photographic rubble, a moment of unadulterated joy will restore our faith in humanity, high-fives and half-price jager bombs.

(They probably just met tbh).

Hedonist of the Week

Ain’t no party like a Smirnoff ice party. Someone hold this girl back before she goes completely off the rails!


Runner Up

Never before have I seen someone bursting with such unbridled birthday joy.

Just a few happy returns of the day will be sufficient, thank you.

Creep of the Week

Congratulations to the terrifying duo at the back – you have ruined what would otherwise have been a very wholesome photo.

The type of men who’d block your toilet and shag your mum.

Clubber of the Week

It takes an impressive resilience to be able to bounce back from whatever Cambridge life throws at you, and today’s Clubber of the Week reminds us to stay positive against the odds. Keep searching, lonely Fez man – you’ll find some friends who can keep up with your jolly optimism soon.

Just smile and wave, boys.

Runner Up

Clubbers everywhere, take note: keeping a spare head in your bag will come in handy if you don’t want the bouncers to recognise you.

That’s all, folks. Will you be gracing the hall of Cantab-clubber fame next week?