Clubbers of the Week: Week Two
From bad to worse.
Week 2 is the new week 5.
By now, any delusions you may have held at the start of term about making all your lectures and meeting all your deadlines have crumbled into nothingness, and the only thing more alarming than the standard of your supervision work is the prospect of checking your bank balance. Or, you know, checking to see if you’re in this article.
Squad of the Week
We all know that the key to every good squad photo is formation. Here, when viewed from right to left, these girls represent the three main stages of drunkenness: first, you start to let your hair down; next, you become just that little bit too flirty, and finally, you’re a gargling wreck on the pavement who doesn’t know which way is up and can’t quite work out how to use your arms.
Lads of the Week
The author wishes to note that for the purposes of this article, the term “lads” is interchangeable with “wankers”.
Facial Hair of the Week
If the sheer luxurious volume of this gentleman’s beard weren’t enough, then its colour 100% secures him as the winner of this week’s category. You just know he’s burnt down a couple of monasteries on his way to the club.
The Tab appreciates the valiant efforts of the man on the left: what he lacks in hairs, he makes up for in chins.
Cringe of the Week
Hi, my name’s Alice Cattley, and I take the piss out of other people to feel better about myself.
Bromance of the Week
Sometimes, from the midst of all that photographic rubble, a moment of unadulterated joy will restore our faith in humanity, high-fives and half-price jager bombs.
Hedonist of the Week
Ain’t no party like a Smirnoff ice party. Someone hold this girl back before she goes completely off the rails!
Never before have I seen someone bursting with such unbridled birthday joy.
Creep of the Week
Congratulations to the terrifying duo at the back – you have ruined what would otherwise have been a very wholesome photo.
Clubber of the Week
It takes an impressive resilience to be able to bounce back from whatever Cambridge life throws at you, and today’s Clubber of the Week reminds us to stay positive against the odds. Keep searching, lonely Fez man – you’ll find some friends who can keep up with your jolly optimism soon.
Clubbers everywhere, take note: keeping a spare head in your bag will come in handy if you don’t want the bouncers to recognise you.
That’s all, folks. Will you be gracing the hall of Cantab-clubber fame next week?