Got a problem? Shearme has your answer
College life is back in full swing, and some of us have remembered the small things that annoy us here which were forgotten over the Mich Vac. Here’s how to deal with them.
Many of you have been mulling over your problems, and sent them in for some advice that your DOS or Senior Tutor wouldn’t dare (probably for good reason) give you. You can join in on the fun by emailing your problems to AgonyAuntShearme@cambridgetab.co.uk.
Dear Agony Aunt Shearme,
I’m a first year at Medwards. I’m not going to lie, I was pooled to the college. I applied to John’s because it’s just so beautiful and looked like such a nice place to be on the open day.
I understand that I’m still lucky to be at the University of Cambridge and I’m not complaining. In fact, i’d say that I’m really happy with where I am at Medwards now. The people really suit me, and Dome Life is #DomeLife (says it all).
The trouble is that the rest of Cambridge can’t get over the fact that I was pooled. Every single time we go out on a swap, it’s always “A fine if you got pooled” and I have to stand up. I like to think I do so with pride. No-one seems to be getting the messge that I’m happy, if not glad that I got pooled to Medwards. How do I show them that I really love it?
Yours, Dome Gal
Dear Mx Gal,
I am so glad that you seem to be happy at Murray Edwards, and are enjoying yourself even though you got pooled.
Then again, the phrase “The lady doth protest too much, methinks” springs to mind. You mentioned several times just how happy you are to have been pooled. Perhaps if you weren’t so keen to show how much you love being at Medwards people might believe you.
This is not to say that Murray Edwards is not a great college, and not something you shouldn’t be proud of – you should be of course. If in future you are going to proclaim your love for it, perhaps skip mentioning the pooling part of it. Typically, pooling isn’t a fun thing for anyone (ask Girton or Homerton students after a cycle into town). In your case, however, I’d say you narrowly dodged a bullet by not ending up at John’s.
Dear Agony Aunt Shearme,
I’ve been around this joint for a few terms now and my ego is beginning to feel a little bruised. Everyone knows about the Adonian Society, and it’s not like it’s really secret anymore or anything but I kind of feel like I should have been invited by now.
I’m not actually interested in men, or even going to the dinner, but I thought I was at least attractive enough to have ruffled some old fellow’s feathers a bit and get him interested enough to invite me.
Yours, Desiring Desiration
Dear Mx Desiration,
It’s understandable that you seek the validation of fellows. Cambridge naturally places us in this position of craving their affection through supervisions. What you must remember is that it’s not about what’s on the outside that counts, it’s about what’s on the inside. It’s about what grade your mind can achieve at the end of three years in one set of final examinations.
You may be a star-sportsperson, or having a real romp about Cambridge. You might even be an aspiring actor, or enriching yourself as a person through extracurricular interests, and meeting new people – even through such illicit clubs as the Adonian Society. You should remember that that doesn’t mean anything though. All you’re worth is your grade.
At least that’s what the University seems to be drilling into us. I’m sorry your ego is so bruised, but remember, you can always wear slightly tighter jeans to lectures, laugh harder at their jokes, or “accidentally drop your pen” more frequently in supervisions.
Dear Agony Aunt Shearme,
I once used to be something of a sex god. I’m not gonna lie, I’m a good looking guy, plus I’m bi so I always had double the choice. I was reeling it in from both sides of the field, often on the same night. Then everything changed. I became a columnist for the Tab. I was a BNOC, but the type that people spit at in the street. Within days everyone knew I was a total fucking cunt.
So now I’m left with a difficult choice. Do I win back my sex life and my friends and the possibility of a future career, denounce the Tab and join TCS, or do I continue being true to myself and writing for the newspaper I love and being a total fucking cunt?
Yours truly, Sex-deprived CanTabCunt
Dear Mx. CanTabCunt,
I’m sorry to hear about your predicament. I would say that I can relate but most people knew “I was a total fucking cunt” before writing for The Tab. It’s probably not something you can change so you might as well just roll with it as they say. In terms of having the possibility of a future career, I’m really not sure that TCS is going to help you. (I’m presuming your idea of a career involves some form of payment).
When it comes to winning back your friends, and sex life by quitting The Tab, do you really think it will help? I’m not too sure that many people will get to the point of almost sleeping with you before asking in hushed tones “wait, you don’t write for The Tab, do you?” before leaving in rage.
If anything, The Tab is a force for good in improving student sex lives through porn, and sex surveys. Embrace the dark side, keep writing.
Remember, if you, or your loved ones suffer from a Cambridge problem, ask for advice by emailing AgonyAuntShearme@cambridgetab.co.uk: