Guide to handling (avoiding) your fear of spiders

There are many things for a Cantab fresher to be scared of in their first term: essays, laundry, forging friendships, etiquette in formal hall, sleep deprivation and, most importantly, the horrifying realisation that living alone means that you have to deal with your own spiders.

Thankfully, almost a third of people admit to having a fear of spiders, so your spider-related traumas will always find sympathy from many of your fellow students. However, when faced with a nice new ‘visitor’ at three in the morning, arachnophobes don’t tend to think “Hooray! A nice #relatable story to tell at Arachnophobia Society” (which absolutely should exist- maybe under the name of Arachnophobes Anonymous), the initial reaction is more of an “is it acceptable to ask my parents to drive three hours so that they can remove this abhorrent beast from my room?”. Here I present the tried-and-tested guide to navigating independent living whilst avoiding confrontation with spiders:

Nice meeting you guys, but I think I’m just gonna go back home. University life isn’t really for me. (Shoutout to my woeful room in desperate need of refurbishment)

Friends

You’ve got to make your friends strategically though, or else you’ll find yourself in the same situation as me: at an impasse in a corridor with an organ scholar, some guy from Sidney Sussex and a giant spider that the porter affectionately christened ‘Nigel’ (and we thought Nigel Farage was the worst Nigel). Pick only the bravest, most noble Gryffindors to help you in your time of need.

Significant Other

It’s 2016, so I’m not going to tell you to go and grab a man to solve all of your spider-centric woes, but any guy or girl that takes on a spider for you is at the very least college spouse-worthy. Keep that in mind when scoping out future college/life partners.

Neighbours
Pros: Their proximity minimises the risk of you leaving the room to fetch someone and returning to an alarmingly spider-free room. Cons: They might just hate you for knocking on their door at 4am when you get back from Cindies to a sizeable spider in your room and they might just retaliate by leaving their washing up in the sink again. Worth it in desperate situations however.

Cat
No disadvantages to this one. Replace your unwelcome ‘pet’ spiders with a beautiful bundle of spider-eating indifference. Coax the college cat into your room, buy a cat, steal a cat from the street: you know you want to. Even if you’re not bothered by spiders, a cat is fundamental to any Cambridge student’s happiness.

Can we keep it?

Modern Art Installation

Channel your inner Tracey Emin and leave a series of glasses trapping spiders in your room. The prospect of sliding a piece of paper underneath and flicking it out the window seems far too risky, so create a DIY art exhibition with some cups that you hastily threw over a spider before running to the other end of the room.  I’d recommend sellotaping them down for safety purposes: we don’t want any escapees after all.

Invitation
This is a skill that takes developing but if I can master it, then you can too. The technique is to find an odd basis on which to bring someone into your room (“Have I ever shown you my lava lamp?”), not to bed them, but to remove your eight-legged visitor. They enter the room, you exclaim with feigned surprise, “Oh bother! There seems to be a spider!” Hopefully they are kind, and remove it for you.

Porters
I would recommend making this one the last port(er) of call. As you might expect, your porters will tease you relentlessly for your fear of spiders (re: Nigel), but on the upside porters are very effective spider-catchers.

Moving Out
Accept that the spider has won. There is no defeating the eight-legged antichrist, your room is forever tainted by the spider. Go home. We can take on week five and live to tell the tale, but a spider is just one step too far.

A carpet grim enough to conceal many a stain, many a secret, and many a spider

Of course, Cambridge isn’t the best place for arachnophobes/anyone squicked by spiders. The combination of the river, old buildings and piles of student-y rubbish in the corners of our rooms makes a very nice environment for spiders that isn’t advertised in the prospectus.

Theoretically, we should all be using our intelligence to rationalise our fears, but the fact remains that I’d rather stumble upon my supervisor at Sunday Life than discover a spider in my room.