How dateable is your college?
Plenty of fish in the… pool colleges
There’s still a few weeks left of term, and the Friday night flings are wearing thin. But is your college holding you back in the Cambridge dating game?
Trinity – 8/10
You’re a hot commodity, but watch out for gold-diggers. Test every potential soulmate by telling them you got Deaned and can’t get Trinity May Ball tickets. Nine times out of ten they’ll politely excuse themselves to go outside for a minute, and after thirty seconds you’ll hear the distinctive squeal of tyres.
John’s – 2/10
To extend a popular Cambridge chant: I would rather suffer through the 4-hour spiritual torture of the X5 coach, including its broken plugs and virulent mustiness, there and back every weekend and date someone at Oxford than deal with the social stigma of dating a Johnian.
Trinity Hall – 6/10
Pretty, if a little airheaded. Plus, you could just be really quiet saying the ‘hall’ bit and pretend you’re from Trinity, thus attracting slightly deafer gold-diggers.
King’s – 5/10
Politics on a first date is of course a massive no-no. Without the ability to quote Das Kapital and rail against Trump, King’s students tend to turn rather reticent.
If you get past the original awkwardness, however, the central location and gorgeous river views are undoubtedly romantic; soon you’ll be standing on the steps of King’s College Chapel, ready to become Comrades for all eternity.
Jesus – 5/10
Good because of the ‘Jesus is coming’ jokes, bad because of the creepy ‘Jesus is watching you’ vibes.
Churchill – 1/10
No, it’s not all about personality. Your mother lied to you.
Emma – 6/10
Being single and desperate enough to have swum in the murky waters of Tinder once or twice, I’d love to say my college is incredibly dateable; but apart from ‘look, ducks’, and ‘hey our front court’s a bit fucked up this year’, what is there to talk about?
We’re the Hufflepuff of colleges, friendly and yet somehow irrelevant. Emma is much more suited for breakups, since you can drown yourself in the pond with a bunch of flowers and recreate Millais’ Ophelia.
Sidney – 9/10
The way to the heart is through the stomach, and Sidney boasts both a full complement of cocktails in its ludicrously cheap bar, and of course Sainsbury’s right across the road. After a couple of bakery cookies and a few Sex on the Cams, who wouldn’t be up for some actual Sex in the centre of Cam? Plus, Sidney’s pretty, but not so beautiful that there’s undue pressure – great for those who, ahem, ‘scare’ easy.
Girton – 10/10
Okay, hear me out. We all have romantic idealisations of love in Cambridge, but the perfect relationship to have during a Cambridge degree is one where you never need to bloody look at each other unless you want to. No obligatory date-nights to juggle with supervisions, no awkwardly bumping into each other in the brunch line if you break up.
Get a Girtonian partner and you get all the personal space and time to work you need; and if you need to procrastinate, the hike up to Girton will take a good chunk out of your work time.
Plus, since you made all the effort to get up there, you *might as well* stay over…