What to wear in a post-Trump world
It’s bigger, greater and more deplorable than ever before
As the serious journalists we are, we have scoured far and wide for Cantabs’s views on how fashion will need to change in Trump’s America. Read it and weep.
The New ‘Muricana
Grab your denim, grab your flannel and most importantly grab your gun (unlike Trump, I didn’t stoop to where you were thinking that sentence would go). Embrace the stars and stripes and incorporate them into every part of your outfit to proclaim your allegiance to these United States. Also remember not to leave the bald eagle at home – it needs to be allowed to soar. Singing of the Star-Spangled Banner and/or the Battle Hymn of the Republic and/or Dixie’s Land is optional, but encouraged.
Don’t leave the house without a stylish necklace featuring your laminated immgration papers so that you can prove you’re not an illegal immigrant whenever the situation calls for it. And trust us, the situation will call for it.
While seeing me out of my bedroom without a full face of makeup is already a definitive sign the apocalypse is nigh, Trump’s advent has given me the go-ahead to start going full Beauty-Queen all day every day. In a world where people of my gender are rated on a scale /10 (because two-digit numbers are too difficult), how will my humanity be recognised without false eyelashes, a wig, six inch heels and a flipper (a la toddlers and tiaras)? Fortunately there’s nothing more relaxing for a stressed-out Cantab than spending three hours getting a fake tan, your nails done and eyebrows waxed.
Styles come and go, but Trump thankfully has brought racism back in the season. Why not try out the simple yet stunning KKK-Khic this year? Just grab your bed sheets, stick a pointy cone on your head, and cut eye holes so that you see that beautiful wall being built. Don’t forget to give yourself some good armholes so that you can grab ’em by the pussy too. You might not to wear the hood for this look all the time though – remember, Trump has thankfully normalised racism, so you don’t have to hide behind that mask anymore!
Orange is the new pantsuit
Perhaps some of you had already bought your monochromatic pantsuit, certain that the look would hit the mainstream and replace any and all other garments, but it seems that Trump’s America will force us to go in another direction. If his incoherent ramblings are to be believed, Hillary will be trading in that iconic blue pantsuit for an orange jumpsuit, because he’s the kind of man who ran a political campaign based, in part, on the promise of jailing his opponent.
As sex education becomes more and more sparse under the Republicans, and understanding of female anatomy gradually disappears, Harem pants like those popularised by MC Hammer will be back in style, so as to confuse anyone trying to grab our pussies. An alternative choice is purchasing a chastity belt, to guard yourself from any wandering hands, presidential or otherwise.
From our Fashion Columnist Meg: “Forget what I said last week. This isn’t any old week 5 – buy the sweatpants, wear the sweatpants, be the sweatpants.”