The Cambridge Breakup Guide
Does it take you three hours in Cindies or two years of pain?
Crushing the people you love is rarely fun, but we’re here to make it as scenic and instagrammable as possible.
Under the stress of the Cambridge bubble, relationships tend not to hold up very well. No matter how optimistic you are, or how much your friends pretend to like them, the day will come when you have to dump someone (no? I guess it’s just us then).
And, if you have to deal with a crying, emotional mess, it’s best to do it in public. Here is our guide to the best places to break up in Cambridge. Remember to vote at the end of the article for your favourite.
The Bridge of Sighs
It’s in the name, and also John’s is just evil enough to make any emotional crime pale in comparison. It’s also hard to jump off.
The Corpus Clock
Added bonuses are that photos of you breaking up will go to at least 26 different countries and you can surreptitiously check the time to see how long they’ve been crying.
After a ball
Much Cambridge, very aesthetically pleasing. If you’re lucky you just might end up in the Daily Mail. If you’re unlucky you end up with a black tie-clad sobbing mess. Try to be lucky.
The University Library
It’s a good study break, and they can’t scream at you or cry loudly. You also get the satisfaction of knowing they probably can’t go back there, meaning there’s one less place in Cambridge where you have to worry about running into exes.
Lull them into a false sense of security by inviting them to a romantic walk, then do the old ‘dump and run’. N.B. swans frequent this area so you might actually need to run quite fast. Also, make sure you run faster than the person you’re dumping.
Cons are potentially ending up on tab tv (though this could cement your BNOC-hood). Pros are endless quick rebound opportunities and a crowd to get lost in. Also you’re both close to alcohol and the van of life.
There’s nothing like towering phallic Gothic architecture to get you in the mood. Beware punters (‘Are we punting today guys?’ ‘No, we’re breaking up’ is an exchange no one else should suffer through).
On a punt
They can’t escape until you’re done, and you can depart onto the backs in style, ideally with the pole so they can’t chase you. Nothing says we’re done like leaving your lover stranded in the Cam.
Cafe Nero / Starbucks
Fuel the capitalist machine and end your unhealthy relationship in one fell swoop. Get your coffee to go to send a message, then escape in one of the multiple directions available to you.
Cambridge never seems smaller than when you’ve just ended a relationship. Vote now for your favourite Cam place to break up.
Tune in next week for the post-breakup guide of ways to avoid your exes.