Tab Guide to filling the post-exam void

If you have yet to finish your exams, lol.

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With two whole weeks of fuck all until May Week, the gaping hole of post-exam boredom needs to be filled.

Finishing exams was supposed to be glorious. I’d dreamed of being greeted by my fans as I left Sidgwick and showered with champagne. Alas, that did not occur. Instead, it consisted of a few sullen goodbyes and a quick drink down at The Anchor.

One of the problems with the Cambridge bubble is that you get so caught up in the whirlwind of supervisions, essays and exams that once it’s all over, you find yourself staring into a big black hole of nothingness. Even if, like me, you’ve done next to nothing all year (apart from write articles for the Tab, obviously), the lack of deadlines and responsibilities can leave one feeling as useless as my Spanish degree. Or, like Ben, you’ve intermitted and are already an expert in black holes.

Here are some potential ways to fill the void:

Drink (duh)

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I’m so fancy, you already know

This seems obvious. That is because it is. And also because in my post-exam stupor of nothingness, I have no original ideas for this Tab article. How meta, eh?

Anyway, you could just spend the next two weeks perpetually plastered (alliteration – that’s just for the scholars). However, that would only worsen the void, leaving you with ridiculous hangovers that are probably best saved for May Week itself.

No, this is the time to get a bit more creative with your drinking. Why not be fancy and grab a cocktail on the rooftop of the Varsity hotel. Pricey as it may be, there is a great view of this beautiful city that we so often forget to appreciate, especially the wonderfully phallic top of the UL or the numerous cranes marring the Cambridge skyline.

Or, you could play Cards Against Cambridge and truly make fun of some of the nonsense that goes on here. Do what some of my friends did and crash an ARU garden party and chill with the “other” Cambridge students in their natural habitat, or make a spontaneous visit to a random college bar. 10/10 would recommend Fitz.

Burn your books

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Burn, baby, burn

#tbt to those post A-Level bonfire days. There is nothing more cathartic than setting fire to all of those useless lecture notes and set texts that you never read and will never read again. The only problem is finding a place to burn them. I’m sure a small and inconspicuous fire on Jesus Green won’t cause too much alarm. Just don’t go dressed as a sheep.

Do all of the things that you said you would do during term but never got round to doing

You said you’d get in shape, but then too many Post-Cindies trips to Van of Life got in the way. You said you’d get more sleep, but then the dreaded pre-9am alarm fucked that up for you (although I’m sure that won’t really be a problem at this point). You said you’d actually go to the Union and not waste that nearly £200 membership that you paid just as an excuse to be all fancy and eat some oysters, which are actually pretty damn unpalatable.

You said you’d make more of an effort to call your parents, but forgot they even existed once you discovered freedom. You said you’d read “for fun”, then realised that no reading is ever fun. You said you’d go to more plays, yadda yadda, et cetera et cetera – you get the picture.

Ok, so this is reading as our own personal list of regrets and grievances from this year. But you get the point. Now that you have literally nowt else to do, it’s time to dig up those forgotten New Year’s Resolutions and you know, actually resolve. Might I recommend that you go see “As You Like It” on the 8th of June at Peterhouse Deer Park and feel really Cambridge watching some Shakespeare in the open air.

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Learning to dance Tango outside your accommodation block is most definitely a thing

Viciously mock those who haven’t finished their exams yet

The scientists, economists and ASNaCists (?) still have exams until right before the start of May Week. They all will have jobs at the end of this shitstorm (well, apart from the ASNaCs, but someone’s got to preserve the old Welsh amirite?). But then, they still have exams. You do not have exams. Put two and two together and spend your every waking moment disturbing their precious revision sessions.

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“You have exams, naa naa naa naa naa”

This is also a time to be creative. Put laxatives in their coffee. Place whoopee cushions under their chairs in the library when you catch them on a toilet break. Replace their Modafinil with sleeping pills. Or just laugh at them. A lot.

Clearly, post-exams, there is nothing to do. We’ve really scraped the bottom of the barrel with this.