Tab guide to etiquette: Sex
How to make it seem like you’ve read the Kama Sutra.
University is a time of lust as well as learning. Some people will have had previous experience of sexual engagement, others will have devoted themselves to studying physics instead.
Whatever your previous experience, here are a few DOs and DON’Ts of sex.
DON’T think it will be like porn. You probably don’t like it when your supervisor has unrealistic expectations of what your work should be like, so why make your partner feel uncomfortable about sex?
DO have good hygiene. Make sure you have washed recently, brushed your teeth and cut your nails; claw marks down the back are good, having the scratches turn septic is not.
DON’T push your partner’s head down. It’s a right, not etiquette, but if someone ignores you not giving consent, then remember that, along with reporting it to the police, there is no “etiquette” on how much teeth to use.
DO help clean up any mess you’ve made. Whatever your choice of bodily fluid to share, don’t be like the travellers on Midsummer Common; clear up after yourself.
DO ask what they are comfortable with doing. You may even find out that they’re willing to try out one of your fantasies, such as getting a first, or being emotionally stable.
DON’T expect your partner to shave for you. I’ve nearly broken up with someone because they suggested that I remove body hair for them – it was a close shave in the end.
DON’T sleep over if you’re not welcome. If they keep mentioning their 5am rowing outing, or how their parents are coming up the next day, leave before you make yourself more unpopular than Nick Clegg is with students.
DON’T kick someone out after sex if it’s not necessary. That being said, don’t tie them up and keep them there… unless you’re both into that sort of thing, of course.
DO walk your partner home. After an intimate connection, it’s best to escort them back, rather than to treat them like a Mexican in Trump’s America and kick them out.
DO offer to buy or make breakfast the next morning if you stay over at someone else’s place. Just remember how they like their eggs in the morning – scrambled, fried, or fertilised?
DON’T drink so much that you can’t get it up. As they say, “go hard or go home”, or “get aroused or get housed” if we’re not being phallocentric.
DON’T receive anything you wouldn’t give. Sex should be a lot like Christmas, with everyone thinking more about giving than receiving. It can also involve an old man dressing up and emptying his sack at the foot of your bed late at night.
DO be aware of where they are on the coming out spectrum. Be wary when talking to friends about last night’s lascivious activities. You should never out someone accidentally – always allow them to conduct their own referendum to decide if they want to be in or out.
DON’T criticise or critique their body or their efforts. Your sexual encounter should not be the “seX factor” and you don’t need to undermine peoples’ confidence with Simon-Cowell-like snide remarks.
DON’T visit the lavatory as soon as you are finished, spend a few moments cuddling. That being said, unless you fancy the whole college finding out about your midnight romps, it’s probably best that you avoid setting off the fire alarm with a post-coital cigarette at this moment.
DON’T fake your orgasm. In some chimpanzee species faking an orgasm demonstrates sexual status and encourages the partner, they also fling their shit at people they don’t like – it’s probably best not to copy them.
DON’T use people to explore your sexuality. Exploring your sexuality is one of the benefits of university, but do be considerate of the other person’s feelings – they’re not just a novel set of genitals for you to sample.
DO be aware of saying weird things during sex. Moaning and groaning can be great, but saying strange words or someone else’s name is a bit weird. Definitely don’t say your own name, that’s even weirder.
DON’T force someone smaller than you to be the big spoon. There’s nothing knifer after a good fork than a bit of spooning, but be considerate of not making your shorter partner feel like a jetpack.
DO be aware of the repercussions of your sex. Sleeping with college kids, supervisors, friends’ exes, and people in your college and subject might come back to bite you on the arse, especially if you’ve been very, very naughty.
Make the most of your revision breaks and find a partner(s) to practice your etiquette with.