News Roundup Week 3: Guns, Ducks, and NUS Urinal Invasions

ARMIN SOLIMANI rounds up an oh-so Oxbridge week three

Cambridge Cambridge Union disaffiliation ducks exeter lincoln Magdalene May Ball newcastle news column NUS student politics Students Theft

If Week 3 of Exam term has proven anything, it’s that stereotypes about Cambridge students exist for some very, very good reasons.

From zany schemes to burglarise the Union and hold it to ransom, to mellifluos poems begging for tickets to an overpriced May Ball, the students of Cambo have made their uniquely creative and ever so pretentious mark on an Easter term go terribly, terribly wrong.

Mark Bittlestone kidnaps precious Union artifact

The spiritual home of Cambo’s ego maniacs was ransacked yesterday in a daring midnight heist. Mark Bittlestone, of CamFM fame, as is tradition gave a fairly provocative speech in the comedy debate but was later expelled from the Union after his post debate drinking led to a drunken rampage. Faced with such injustice, Bittlestone composed a deeply intricate and high conept scheme to take revenge, a-la Ocean’s 11 through 13; as night fell, he climbed into the Union through an open window and stole the precious ledger of membership entries for the last eight decades.

Sources indicate weary friend of Bittlestone and fellow CamFM disc jockey Joseph Spencer was caught by Union President Charlotte Ivers ‘in a compromising position’ – desperately trying to rebuild a water cooler Bittlestone had knocked over during his getaway. The location of the ledger is currently unknown.

Editor’s note: Joseph Spencer was not an accomplice, he was faced with a choice of hot pursuit or plugging the leak. He chose the latter.

Editor’s update: The book has been returned. 


NUS Mania: Lincoln and Newcastle disaffiliate, and Cambridge turns ugly

In a dramatic turn in the story that has unfortunately captured the imaginations of Cam’s noisiest BNOCs, Newcastle and Lincoln unis have voted overwhelmingly to disaffiliate from the NUS. It also seems Exeter has gone completely bananas, with pro-NUS campaigners apparently forcing international students with poor English skills to vote online, despite apparently having no idea what they were voting for. Reports also indicate that pro NUSers were waiting by men’s the urinals to ambush and confront Out voters.

Slightly horrified at the thought ‘smash up my avacadoes’ is a euphemism for something

Not to be outdone, Cambridge has started heating up, with BNOC Lola Olufemi’s Varsity article drawing sharp criticism from Jewish students for underplaying their status as an oppressed minority. She claimed that many Jewish students may be ‘irked by seeing anti-Semitism co-opted by many to carry out personal vendettas against the NUS because they do not like the way it operates.’ If Malia’s pro-NUS travelling circus’ past performances are anything to go by, this month’s referendum should be a blast.

Women want them; Men want to be them

May Ball marketplace gets poetic

If the raw, heartfelt human drama that already defines the May Ball FB page wasn’t enough, Cambridge fashionista Xelia Mendes-Jones has set a new unrealistic and unattainable standard of beauty with her pleading poem for Jesus tickets.

The traditional ‘Looking for Jesus tix pm pls’ just won’t cut it in this globalised post-modern era

Luger weilding jackasses get 5 years in prison

Two Londoners cruising through Cambridge were found guilty of possesing a loaded, active World War 1 Luger. The weapon was discovered after a search of their BMW, and both have recieved 5 year prison sentences.


Weird Magdalene gets weirder mail

Magdelenite and bon vivant Aditya Basrur posted a fairly baffling email from the Magdalene computer officer, asking if anyone recognised a mysterious, nameless ‘Crate Games’ dog training DVD. Who knows, maybe the Wyverns are back in action with some creative new hazing rituals – we can dare to dream.

Tab sources indicate there was some connection with a JCR ‘puppy stress relief’ event – also controversial as no puppies were actually in attendance

Tablishment View

Some say the first sign of Spring is the initial blossoming of college rose gardens; others, the first jubilant pre-limmer to throw up on a porter. Of course, it’s really the wholesome duck families that suddenly populate lawns from Homerton to John’s. Indulge yourself with these duckpics, the Tab’s gift to its darling readers:

This Mallard turned up to Caius’ Graduates into the Future conference

Single duck mother destroying the moral fabric of society with her dozens of offspring #voteleave

Homerton – more ducks than firsts

Well, that’s all for the mess our beloved uni has found itself in – tune in next week to find out how Cambridge gets out of this one.