Last week I read a Tab comment which changed my life
It was a response to an article I’d written in which, while ineptly attempting to bitch about the NUS, I casually mentioned how I didn’t think maintenance loans (or tuition fees in general) were a particularly good idea. Cans of worms can be so righteously indignant.

Paragon of our times
My first response was to shut down my laptop and burst into tears. Having got this necessary step out of the way, I picked up the courage to actually read the offending diatribe – so much work had, after all, clearly gone into it. And as I read, I found myself – against my better judgement – becoming more and more compelled.
I realised how foolish I must have appeared for failing to understand how, as a soon-to-be rich Cambridge grad, me paying for the benefits of my education is fairer than the general population forking out so I can spend three years wondering whether the Catholics or the Puritans were more important to a Queen who’s been dead for 400 years.

I’m going to change the world with this shit
And it’s not like the increased fees are putting people off. I began to understand how my previous arguments, attributing continued attendance levels to the survival of a culture which has build up over four decades of tertiary education being free, were in fact misguided. Everyone knows how good our generation is at sound microeconomic forethought.
So enchanted was I with this new-found egalitarianism I thought, why not apply it earlier? Why should the younger sort of millennial get away with free, career advancing education at the expense of the taxpayer?
Obviously I wouldn’t want to exploit the little tykes. We’d want a system in which even Tiny Tommy the Urchin Boy, whose legs had to be amputated after a tragic accident in the cotton mill, could still attend.

The brave soul was trying to save up to buy his mother and 18 siblings a loaf of crusty rye
We’d need something like a “special loan” which they only have to pay off if they ever begin working at a job which requires them to use at least 3 of their GCSEs. Obviously, this won’t apply to little Augustus Fauntleroy because his parents will be able to pay his off straight away, but well done them for working so hard, eh?
Some of you myopic leftist naysayers will throw around words like “education being a right” and vague assertions that a more educated population serves the economy better in the long run. I was once like you. But now I see giving people beyond the age of 11 free education is grossly unfair to all those in the population who don’t go to school at the age of 11, despite the fact they would then be entirely free to do so then, or at any later point in their lives.
“But they need those skills to get by in the world of work!”, they cry. You know what I learnt about in Year 7? Macbeth, the structure of a plant cell and quadratic equations. Yeah, real useful stuff. Sometimes whole hours go by when I don’t think about Assonance and the Gas Exchange.

What a blast from the past. Or the present, if you’re a scientist.
I suppose the only qualm sensible folk might have is why I’ve stopped at the arbitrary age of 11 – why should being at an age at which the Star Wars prequels seem good entitle you to privileges people older than you don’t have? But I remind you: these are children – why should the decisions they make now straddle them with insurmountable amounts of debt for the rest of their lives*?
*Little Augustus Fontleroy notwithstanding
For those still in doubt, I point you in the direction of New Zealand, where these kind of reforms have already been implemented. The number of children opting out of school post 11 has barely dropped at all, with many claiming to have made the decision because it’s “where all my friends are going”, or because “in this economic climate I won’t be able to get a job if I don’t” or even that “they see no reason they should be denied access to an education system which benefitted their parents, and will continue to benefit the wealthy – massive payments be fucked”.

The latter portion of students tended to drink excessively from hipflasks and scream loudly whenever somebody mentions the future.
And think of all the good it could do. This year, the government spent £25.7 billion on secondary education. Below I have listed just a few of the ways that sum could be better used:
233 RAF Typhoons

If we bomb their schools they won’t even have to think about making this decision
“Education – what is it good for?!” amirite? Who’s got time for it when we all know the real future prospects of our country rest on our ability to bomb the Middle East.
More Nice Things for Old People

We need the government to give Grandma gifts because we always forget to
We all love old people, with their achey limbs and misgivings about the transgender movement. They deserve more than the 26% of the government’s budget spent on pensions, free dentist treatment, travel cards, a winter fuel allowance that many of them don’t need, and priority seats on the bus – and not just because they actually vote!
100 billion tins of Sainsbury’s Basics baked beans
Stacked on top of one another, they could reach the moon 26 times! This many beans would feed the three billion people living on less than £2.50 a day for the next 34 days at least, provided they could subsist on a diet consisting only of beans.
I hope this article has in some way Enlightened you about the state of our education system. Join me next time as I list even more public services we should turn into commodities for short term profit despite being totally unfeasible in the long run, beginning with the National Health Service.
Tuition Fees are so progressive we should start charging 11 Year Olds to go to school
It’s only fair
CAMBRIDGE
Last week I read a Tab comment which changed my life
It was a response to an article I’d written in which, while ineptly attempting to bitch about the NUS, I casually mentioned how I didn’t think maintenance loans (or tuition fees in general) were a particularly good idea. Cans of worms can be so righteously indignant.
Paragon of our times
My first response was to shut down my laptop and burst into tears. Having got this necessary step out of the way, I picked up the courage to actually read the offending diatribe – so much work had, after all, clearly gone into it. And as I read, I found myself – against my better judgement – becoming more and more compelled.
I realised how foolish I must have appeared for failing to understand how, as a soon-to-be rich Cambridge grad, me paying for the benefits of my education is fairer than the general population forking out so I can spend three years wondering whether the Catholics or the Puritans were more important to a Queen who’s been dead for 400 years.
I’m going to change the world with this shit
And it’s not like the increased fees are putting people off. I began to understand how my previous arguments, attributing continued attendance levels to the survival of a culture which has build up over four decades of tertiary education being free, were in fact misguided. Everyone knows how good our generation is at sound microeconomic forethought.
So enchanted was I with this new-found egalitarianism I thought, why not apply it earlier? Why should the younger sort of millennial get away with free, career advancing education at the expense of the taxpayer?
Obviously I wouldn’t want to exploit the little tykes. We’d want a system in which even Tiny Tommy the Urchin Boy, whose legs had to be amputated after a tragic accident in the cotton mill, could still attend.
The brave soul was trying to save up to buy his mother and 18 siblings a loaf of crusty rye
We’d need something like a “special loan” which they only have to pay off if they ever begin working at a job which requires them to use at least 3 of their GCSEs. Obviously, this won’t apply to little Augustus Fauntleroy because his parents will be able to pay his off straight away, but well done them for working so hard, eh?
Some of you myopic leftist naysayers will throw around words like “education being a right” and vague assertions that a more educated population serves the economy better in the long run. I was once like you. But now I see giving people beyond the age of 11 free education is grossly unfair to all those in the population who don’t go to school at the age of 11, despite the fact they would then be entirely free to do so then, or at any later point in their lives.
“But they need those skills to get by in the world of work!”, they cry. You know what I learnt about in Year 7? Macbeth, the structure of a plant cell and quadratic equations. Yeah, real useful stuff. Sometimes whole hours go by when I don’t think about Assonance and the Gas Exchange.
What a blast from the past. Or the present, if you’re a scientist.
I suppose the only qualm sensible folk might have is why I’ve stopped at the arbitrary age of 11 – why should being at an age at which the Star Wars prequels seem good entitle you to privileges people older than you don’t have? But I remind you: these are children – why should the decisions they make now straddle them with insurmountable amounts of debt for the rest of their lives*?
*Little Augustus Fontleroy notwithstanding
For those still in doubt, I point you in the direction of New Zealand, where these kind of reforms have already been implemented. The number of children opting out of school post 11 has barely dropped at all, with many claiming to have made the decision because it’s “where all my friends are going”, or because “in this economic climate I won’t be able to get a job if I don’t” or even that “they see no reason they should be denied access to an education system which benefitted their parents, and will continue to benefit the wealthy – massive payments be fucked”.
The latter portion of students tended to drink excessively from hipflasks and scream loudly whenever somebody mentions the future.
And think of all the good it could do. This year, the government spent £25.7 billion on secondary education. Below I have listed just a few of the ways that sum could be better used:
233 RAF Typhoons
If we bomb their schools they won’t even have to think about making this decision
“Education – what is it good for?!” amirite? Who’s got time for it when we all know the real future prospects of our country rest on our ability to bomb the Middle East.
More Nice Things for Old People
We need the government to give Grandma gifts because we always forget to
We all love old people, with their achey limbs and misgivings about the transgender movement. They deserve more than the 26% of the government’s budget spent on pensions, free dentist treatment, travel cards, a winter fuel allowance that many of them don’t need, and priority seats on the bus – and not just because they actually vote!
100 billion tins of Sainsbury’s Basics baked beans
The apologetic labels also double up as propaganda to keep the poor humble
Stacked on top of one another, they could reach the moon 26 times! This many beans would feed the three billion people living on less than £2.50 a day for the next 34 days at least, provided they could subsist on a diet consisting only of beans.
I hope this article has in some way Enlightened you about the state of our education system. Join me next time as I list even more public services we should turn into commodities for short term profit despite being totally unfeasible in the long run, beginning with the National Health Service.
CAMBRIDGE
EXCLUSIVE: Graham Virgo weighs in on The Tab’s Top 10 BNOCs list 2021
CAMBRIDGE
We also got his reaction to the news that Toope was nominated and he wasn’t
Week six news column: Endangered newts, churros and Lego Lent Bumps
CAMBRIDGE
Will the Medwards Churros Van be touring to my college anytime soon?
Preview: S.H.E.E.P: A Comedy Sketch Show
CAMBRIDGE
‘The annual sheepcase consisting of the kookiest of characters, the strangest of songs and the silliest of sketches’
You are not alone: How other Cambridge students have found mental health support this term
CAMBRIDGE
There are so many places you can turn to when you feel like giving up
THE RESULTS ARE IN: These are Cambridge’s Top 10 BNOCs 2021
CAMBRIDGE
2,773 people voted, and the results are in
Students react to Jesus College order to remove ‘all flags’ now that ‘time of commemoration’ is over
CAMBRIDGE
Jesus’ LGBT+ Officer has described the order as ‘disrespectful and flippant’
Interview: Graham Virgo on rent and residency requirements, exams, graduation and May Week
CAMBRIDGE
All I wanna know is if I’m going to be graduating in a gazebo
SU passes motion to standardise misconduct reporting systems across Cambridge Colleges
CAMBRIDGE
The motion was met with almost unanimous support during Monday’s Student Council meeting
Churchill’s grandson accuses Churchill College of ‘trashing’ his grandfather’s name in historical talk
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The talk was part of a year-long programme of events on ‘Churchill, Race and Empire’ in light of recent debate over Churchill’s legacy
Your College Aunts Week Six: Woes and worries
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Worries for next term, what to do when you’ve been ghosted, and how to avoid slipping back into childish habits while working from home
Meet the students running for the Cambridge Student Union this year
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Do they pass the vibe check though?
University plans to have ‘as many students as possible’ back in Cambridge for Easter term
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Students currently in Cambridge are expected to remain here over the vacation
Interview: ‘A Blown Job’ on making musicals in lockdown
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There are no hugs, but they do have a cat
It is time for Cambridge colleges to stop sending mixed messages about pride flags
CAMBRIDGE
Certain colleges’ policies on students flying pride flags is self-contradictory, hurtful and needs to change
Creative Spotlight: Caitlin Farrell on finding joy in journaling and calligraphy
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Finding joy in our favourite hobbies
Trip to the Gyp: Chinese Edition!
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Hear me out when I say homemade dumplings MIGHT be better than itsu frozen gyoza
Culture Trip Week 6: Is the end in sight?
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Recover from the blues with this week’s cultural picks
Family and alumni protest planned removal of slave trade investor’s memorial at Jesus College
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Jesus College has outlined plans to relocate the memorial of Tobias Rustat, a prolific investor in the slave trade
EXCLUSIVE: We spoke to the Camfess admins, and the tea was scalding
CAMBRIDGE
One Camfession even sparked a yellow misinformation warning from the Zuck
Sulaiman Iqbal: Team UPside and achieving real diversity within the university space
CAMBRIDGE
‘We shouldn’t miss out on this opportunity to create positive social change’
A group of students dressed up as the ‘Four Lads in Jeans’ and fairplay, they nailed it
UK
I am calling it the 2020s’ S Club 7/S Club Junior moment
This is what the cast of Behind Her Eyes on Netflix are like in real life
UK
Adele and Rob are besties
MAFS relationship expert quit after some of the dinner party scenes made her feel ‘sick’
UK
She disagreed with the direction the show was heading in
Okay, but what do ‘pog’ and ‘poggers’ actually mean on TikTok?
UK
My little pogchamp!
Debunked: Does putting a wet paper towel down stop you crying when cutting onions?
UK
TikTok seems to think so
TikTok needs to stop promoting unhealthy pro-anorexia content and ‘challenges’
UK
Videos encouraging harmful eating behaviours are found too easily on the app
TikTok just found a clip of Hayley Hughes being pranked into believing in time travel
UK
The YouTube prank included a bunch of reality TV stars being invited onto fake TV shows
We asked men with fish pictures in their Tinder profile: Why?
UK
One of them is a legit fisherman HA
So this is where *that* winking woman meme taking over Twitter is from
UK
‘Omg I’m so sorry, I didn’t see this until now!’
Taylor Swift fans are attacking Ginny and Georgia star over ‘deeply sexist’ joke
UK
Antonia Gentry is getting hate after Taylor called out a part of the script earlier this week
Molly-Mae has been warned by watchdogs after her £8k giveaway was ruled as unfair
UK
I SHOULD HAVE WON
Quiz: Which of the girls in Glee are you?
UK
No one wants to be Rachel
I tried out a load of lesbian dating apps and here are the best ones, ranked
UK
Nothing can prepare you for Scissr
All the details and clues in Behind Her Eyes on Netflix that you definitely missed
UK
HOW DID WE NOT SEE IT ALL COMING?!
This quick trick allows you to add Snapchat filters to all your group video calls
UK
It works on Mac and PC
Take our sexual assault on campus survey and help us uncover how unis handle the problem
UK
The Tab’s Do Better campaign is putting a focus on the sexual assault problem on uni campuses
This TikTok test tells you exactly which colour resembles your personality
UK
And there’s science behind it
Behind Her Eyes viewers spot a clue which means *someone* might not actually be dead
UK
Ok this changes everything
Now you’ve had some time to process it, here are 31 more Behind Her Eyes memes
UK
We are all very, very worried about Adam
MasterChef production secrets: 14 behind the scenes facts about making the show
UK
Yes, the food is cold by the time Gregg and John taste it
Hey squirrel friends! It’s time to find out which Drag Race season 13 queen you are
UK
Time to separate the Kandys from the Olivias