Tab Guide to irrevocably ruining Cambridge’s reputation this Caesarean Sunday
Smile for the nice Daily Mail man!
As Caesarean Sunday nears ever closer, we at The Tab have decided to make besmirching the image of our ancient and beloved home all the more easy for drunken students.
Worry no longer about how you’re going to make sure the Daily Mail pap you doing something that will turn away future applicants forever – we’ve got you covered…
Wear pink, preferably linen, chinos
The stereotype that Cambridge is full of upper class lads whose daddy or granddaddy bought a library to secure their place deserves to be upheld forevermore. Make sure the Mail catch you drunkenly slurring about your grand collection of cummerbunds and opera scarves and opt for a magnum of champagne over a keg of beer.
Visit your own college’s buttery
If an email from Christ’s college staff is anything to go by, one of the prime offences on C-Sunday is visiting the college buttery in large groups. Eating in a large group and being part of a large gathering is a recognised act of hooliganism, and will, without a doubt, besmirch the reputation of the university beyond recognition.
It is tempting, in nice weather, to lose a few layers and try and get started on making up for the Vitamin D deficiency all Cambridge students definitely have. We encourage this behaviour completely, as scholars showing their skin is a notoriously scandalous thing, and generations of academic excellence will be completely undone if one dares to do so.
Wear your drinking society stash
Cambridge drinking societies are the stuff of legend and the stuff of much derision in the press. Fly your flag proudly, and wear all the stash you’ve accrued over time. Proudly show off how you enact the human right to freedom of association and remind the Daily Mail that on really slow news days, they can always horrify the public with old stories about Cambridge drinking societies.
Lie down on the grass
It doesn’t matter whether you’re genuinely too drunk to stand, whether you’re tired after spending your life at the library during the past week, or whether you’re just trying to be part of the picnic spirit of the occasion, the university’s reputation will suffer every time you choose to lie down.
Have a polite conversation with a police officer
It’s enough to just be seen next to one, although obviously if you wanted to go the extra mile, try and look like you’re actually interacting with them. The world will see your friendly chat as symptomatic of all the ill that Cambridge encourages, and there will be no saving our reputation then. Bonus points if you take a picture wearing one of their helmets, as a final act of complete debauchery and misdemeanor.
Look like you’re not having any fun at all
How dare you have any kind of public fun? Cambridge in the golden days was a town of repression and total and complete studiousness. Fun, as an institution, has been banned during Easter term. Your frolicking and laughing are frankly disgusting, and exactly the reason why this university, once the paradigm of intellectual achievement, has gone to the dogs.
We look forward to watching you drive us all into ruin as you continue your fun-having ways, may our “descent” onto Jesus Green be the subject of vitriol forevermore.