Which Pokémon is your college?
Find out if your college is the very best, like no one ever was…
In light of this year being the 20th anniversary of Pokémon and with the new games Sun & Moon on the horizon, it’s only fitting that us Cambridge nerds pay homage to our childhood memories of catching ’em all, by finding out which of these loveable critters best matches the colleges that we too hold so dear in our hearts.
Just like the 700+ Pokémon in the Pokédex, some colleges are inevitably going to be shitter than others. It’s time to find out whether your college ranks with the legendaries or is just another pile of Muk.
Fitz – Slaking
Let’s face it, Fitz isn’t much to look at. Despite an abundance of wavy garms, this is the home of the infamous Hunter Allen room, which speaks volumes about just how shitty it is. However, beneath its cold, dismal exterior lies hidden talent. Slaking has fuck off legendary level stats, but is crippled by its ability Truant, which only lets it attack every other turn. The rest of the time, it’s asleep. Pretty fitting for a college full of stoners stuck atop a hill.
Peterhouse – Pikachu
This tiny electric rodent has been there since the very beginning, just like Peterhouse. And in the same way that Peterhouse refuses to change its old, draconian ways, Pikachu never wants to evolve, remaining the same derpy mouse no matter how many Thunderstones you chuck at it. Oh, and let’s not forget that after god knows how many seasons of Pokémon, Ash still hasn’t managed to shag any of the bevy of female companions that have followed him on his journey. Therefore, we can only conclude that the wannabe Pokémon master has in fact been in a homoerotic relationship with his little yellow friend all along. Very fitting indeed #ashforadonis
Emma – Diglett
Emma apparently has the only private subway in Britain, which fits Diglett’s profile as the “Mole Pokémon”. Its clock tower also looks rather phallic, and let’s face it, Diglett looks like a dick. Or a piece of shit. Both apply.
Churchill – Porygon
Porygon was always the weird hunk-of-shit Pokémon that never made any sense. What is it meant to be? A robot? A duck? The result of an acid trip gone wrong? It was also a bitch to actually get in the games: you can’t catch it in the wild and it cost 9,999 coins at the Game Corner to obtain. That’s hours of virtual gambling just to get this useless mess. And that’s what Churchill is. A hard to get to, ugly, useless mess of a college.
Girton – Magikarp
Magikarp is widely considered to be the shittest Pokémon ever. Literally, all it can do is fucking splash. Hopefully, once Girton builds its new science faculty in West Cambridge, it can acquire the skills it needs to graduate into a powerful Gyarados and swim its way back through the pool. For now though, Girton continues to sleep with the fishes…
Homerton – Bulbasaur
There you are, 10 years old, faced with the most important decision at that point in your young life. Three shaking balls lie before you. You open each one and carefully consider your choice. One contains a bad-ass lizard with its tail on fire. The other is a cool turtle-squirrel hybrid that grows up to have cannons on its back. What’s left? Literally a fucking cabbage. Like poor little Bulbasaur, no one ever picks Homerton. And no ever will.
St. John’s – Meowth
St. John’s have a reputation for being the “bad boys”, or in other words, absolute wankers. Team Rocket’s talking cat thing always thought it was hot shit, but more often than not it ended up blasting off at the hands of a ten-year old boy and his pet rat. Sure, it might seem to have a certain class and decorum and can produce money at a moment’s notice, but behind it all it’s a smart-alec, smug bastard that needs to pull itself out of its own arse.
Trinity – Mew
Trinity is the richest and most powerful college and a regular Tompkins table topper. Mew can learn literally every move ever and was the OG that Mewtwo was cloned from. All that being said, it’s also a bastard that did nothing but fuck with everyone in the first movie. It might have a cushy exterior, but deep down it’s just as arrogant and conceited as any other hot shit college.
Tit Hall – Ditto
Mewtwo was the clone of Mew that turned out to be a beast, defining many of our childhoods. Ditto is the failed clone of Mew that can do nothing else other than transform into a weaker version of other Pokémon, and hump. Tit Hall is a failed clone of Trinity and an utter disappointment. Also, the promiscuous Tit Hall freshers have apparently made a web charting their various incestuous relations, much like how Ditto fucks everything in its path in its quest to be noticed.
Robinson – Trubbish
Robinson is the newest college, having been founded in 1977. Trubbish is literally the bag of shit Pokémon, and as one of the newer Pokémon to be introduced to the series, it’s also a sign that Game Freak have completely run out of ideas in the haze of the crack smoke. Things only get worse as the generations go on…
King’s – Arceus
King’s is pretty much the definitive Cambridge college. It’s the one that features on all the postcards, it’s the most frequented by annoying tourists and it’s where the infamous Christmas carols are held. Arceus is the God Pokémon. We ought to just leave it there right? Well no. Whilst I could’ve gone with Nidoking, that’s actually a cool purple monster that can fuck your shit up at a moment’s notice. That’s too nice. Arceus, God or not, is just a shit dog. And it’s got the word “arse” in its name. That’s better.
Queens – Onix
Again, Nidoqueen might have been the obvious choice. But no, let’s have a rock snake that looks like the aftermath of a bad case of constipation. Queens actually isn’t that ugly, I’ll give it that. However, they are notoriously hard on their students, depriving them of their bops. Onix’s evolution Steelix is no better, basically covering the serpent in a steel metal cage. Just like the back of Queens.
Christ’s – Girafarig
Girafarig could’ve been a perfectly fine giraffe based Pokémon all on its own. But of course, the Game Freak druggies had to add a nonsensical ugly attachment on its arse. Christ’s is quite pretty at the front but fuck ugly at the back. You bet giraffe it’s shit #shitpunsftw
Corpus Christi – Scyther
Corpus gets a free pass for the cool clock. No one gives a shit about the college itself though.
Jesus – Alakazam
Jesus also does well on the Tompkins Table, reflecting Alakazam’s superior intelligence. Like its namesake, Alakazam also sports a killer beard. However, Alakazam is basically the Pokémon equivalent of Bruce Forsyth. Jesus is old, conservative and religious. I think you get the picture.
Sidney Sussex – Unown
Sidney deserves a special mention for being the most forgettable of the forgettable colleges. Unown might just be the most forgettable Pokémon ever. It’s in the name.
The rest – Metapod
If your college didn’t make the cut, it’s probably because like Metapod, it’s shit. Metapod has only one move: Harden. You know what else hardens? A dick. You’re all dicks. This shit writes itself.
So there we have it. Even though some colleges may not be as “top-percentage” as others, like these loveable critters, the more time you spend with them, the more you grow to love them.