If Donald Trump was President of Cambridge…
Imagine a dystopian universe where a certain Donald Trump is settling into his role as President of CUSU after a glorious election victory.
On his first day in office, a radical new welfare policy of a ‘Safe Space to buy/trade guns’ is unveiled.
Despite this ingenious proposal, gun crime in Cambridge shoots up by 3000% in two weeks. Trump calms fears by referring to the watertight evidence presented by the totally unbiased NRA, that there is absolutely no correlation between the amount of guns and gun violence, because “guns can’t kill people by themselves… duh.” To permanently address the mounting problems, and bodies, Trump arms all librarians, supervisors, and lecturers with kalashnikovs, and college Deans with rocket launchers so they can shoot unruly students from their ivory towers.
The problem of ARU students venturing beyond Parker’s Piece and into Cambridge University territory is addressed by the creation of a 10-foot wall from the UL to Homerton College. Indeed, Trump decrees that ARU students are to pay for the wall, and when questioned on how the wall would actually include the perimeter of Girton, he flicks his Guinea Pig like hair and retorts “WE’RE GONNA MAKE CAMBRIDGE GREAT AGAIN!”
For too long has any Tom, Dick, and Tarquin been allowed into Cambridge. To rightly make Cambridge the prestigious finishing school for the elite once again, birth certificate checks are carried out to make sure nobody north of Peterborough is let in by some grievous mistake. Tuition fees are raised to £100,000 a year, attracting the ‘right kind’ of applicants. Indeed, Trump’s commitment to diversity is further enhanced by the replacement of the Women’s Campaign with a beauty contest, with Trump himself casting the winning vote.
The antiquated application process is reformed, with a televised Apprentice style process replacing it, where applicants are encouraged to point out the weaknesses of their competitors and pounce on any display of lack of confidence.
Trump is clear on his hard-line stance against the terrorist organisation so-called Oxford University, claiming he would “bomb the sh*t out of them” and “steal their oil/dreaming spires.” Indeed, Varsity is to be reformed with the sharpening of hockey sticks and oars following suit.
With regard to crime and punishment, Trump imposes tough new laws to make criminals pay their debts to society through a massive increase in library fees, to £1 per minute a book is overdue. For those dangerous, hardened criminals who do not return books within a day, a Guantanamo Bay style internment camp is opened at Girton with reports of torture and humans rights abuses commonplace.
When not asked by reporters how he will be judged in the history books of Cambridge, he replies “I will go down as the greatest president that God ever created.”