Pens at the Ready: The Makes You Proud to be a Cambridge Student Christmas Quiz

Spanking porters, blow-up sex dolls, corrupt Volkswagen engineers and decapitated rubber ducks … It’s time to test yourself on the best that the world’s second best university had to offer this term.


Everyone loves quizzes. So here it is, a reminisce through the highs and lows – but predominantly the lows, because we are a cynical bunch here at The Tab – of Michaelmas 2015.

Forget ISIS, the Eurozone and poor old Louis van Gaal…this is your chance to test your knowledge on the stories that really matter. The stories that paint a real picture of the state of the hallowed Cambridge bubble this Christmas.

The sharper ones among you may notice a pattern emerging. If you do, shhh. Don’t ruin the fun for CUSU – they will be here till next Christmas wondering.

1. In early October, the Cambridge Union Women’s Officer Helen Dallas quit her position over the decision to invite Julian Assange to speak via video-link to the chamber. Did the Union:

a) Not include their Women’s Officer in initial discussions over the invitation of an alleged rapist

b) Decide a new Women’s Officer should not be appointed following her resignation

c) Subsequently host an event entitled ‘Where are the Women?’

d) All of the above

The Assange invite sent head spinnings in the Union chamber

The Assange invite sent head spinnings in the Union chamber

2. Early in the term, Caius bops were cancelled due to a “large number of complaints and incidents”. According to The Cambridge Student, one of those misdeeds included:

a) The JCR overcharging students for entry to a 70s disco

b) The bar’s alcohol delivery failing to arrive in time

c) A student vomiting on a porter and then subsequently spanking him

3. In the second week of October, the local Giving What You Can and Empathy Action branches came up with an initiative to alleviate poverty. The concept was:

a) A bucket collection in Market Square

b) A small percentage of tuition fees to be donates to homeless charities

c) A two-hour poverty simulation event at Clare College – entitled ‘Slum in the Cellars’ – before inviting participants for a subsequent “drink in the bar”

4. Following Freshers week, Caius students were accused of taking drinking society initiations too far, as CCTV cameras showed students being forced to drink shots until they vomited. By way of response, Caius master Sir Alan Fersht sent students a scathing email in which he expressed his fear that they would turn into ‘unethical pariahs’ such as:

a) ‘Insider Traders’

b) ‘Oil riggers’

c) ‘Corrupt Volkswagen engineers’

d) All of the above

The Caius master alleged there could have been a 'fatality because of the inhalation of vomit' by paralytic students

The Caius master alleged there could have been a ‘fatality because of the inhalation of vomit’ by paralytic students.

5. In Week 2, Robinson College was left in a pickle when the tumble driers stopped working for a week. By way of solution, the college:

a) Offered complimentary external laundry services with a nearby local firm

b) Provided extra drying racks in the laundry room and outside for students to hang up clothes

c) Neither of the above and instead sent an email ordering students to “hold off doing their laundry”, reminding them they are not allowed to dry wet clothes in their rooms

Meltdown: Robinson student James Clarke moaned that he "hadn't washed his tux in weeks"

Meltdown: Robinson student James Clarke moaned that he “hadn’t washed his tux in weeks”.

6. In the third week of October, Queens College student Abbie Coombs relived the terror she endured at the hands of a stalker during nine months of her first year at Cambridge. The stalker’s choice of weapon was:

a) Persistent phone calls and text messages

b) Poison pen letters

c) Dozens of rubber ducks, including one that was decapitated with a knife through it

The middle class approach to stalking: Poison pen letters or rubber ducks?

The middle-class approach to stalking: Poison pen letters or rubber ducks?.

7. At the end of October, the ArcSoc Halloween party ‘Metamorphosis’ received severe criticism not only because bouncers went around stomping on balloons but also as:

a) The prices were considered too expensive

b) Cambridge students are opposed to the abrupt biological change implied by the party’s name

c) The student hosts had placed inflatable sex dolls in the windows of the Guildhall, visible to all and sundry – including parents and young children – in Market Square on a Friday night

 

8. At Halloween, two Cambridge students were ordered out of the Pembroke formal because:

a) They refused to wear a gown due to their opposition against the cultural appropriation of Harry Potter

b) They were caught trying to steal a plate from the table

c) They recreated pig-gate at the dinner table – with one dressing up as David Cameron and the other as Percy, and then took selfies reliving the alleged incident where the Prime Minister inserted a private part into a pig’s mouth

Surely not?

Surely not?

9. At the beginning of November, student environmental activist group Zero Carbon held banners on Kings and Clare bridges by way of protest against the university’s investment in fossil fuels. The response of nearby college porters was: 

a) To join the protest in solidarity with their students

b) Politely ask the students to protest elsewhere

c) Order the students to stop protesting, order student photographers not to take pictures, recruit back-up porters and threaten to call the police. Oh, and then tell a protestor:  “If the police get here, your time at Magdalene is finished …”

Nice place for a protest

Nice place for a protest.

10. In November, CUSU decided to back the National Demonstration for Free Education. However, the slogan “Tax The Rich” was eliminated in their proposal as it was felt to be too “political”. Several days later, CUSU coordinator Jemma Stewart was spotted at the demonstration holding a sign which read:

a) You’re triggering me!

b) Safe Space for Priscilla!

c) Tax The Rich!

 

13. Midway through the term, Wales international rugby star Jamie Roberts made his eagerly awaited debut for the university team. His impact was such that:

a) The Blues beat a visiting Australian team in a memorable victory before a famous Varsity success

b) The Blues defeated Oxford in the Varsity match as Roberts scored four tries in a 80-0 victory

c) The Blues lost to Worcester on his debut and then lost their sixth Varsity match in a row

A friendly face: Rugby star Roberts hits Cindies

A friendly face: Rugby star Roberts hits the Cindies’ dance floor

14. In mid-November, the university’s promotional video featuring historian David Starkey was taken down from YouTube. This followed complaints by the CUSU BME campaign over his previous controversial comments about ‘black culture’. The outrage was such that petition was launched: 

a) Within hours of the video going up

b) Within a day of the video going up

c) Three weeks after the video went up

Delayed outrage: The Divisive Historian

Delayed reaction: David Starkey.

15. Also in November, CUSU passed a motion, put forward by their President Priscilla Mensah, that proposed the abolition of the Tompkins Table – the rankings that judge colleges by academic performance. CUSU President Priscilla is a graduate of which of the following colleges?

a) Trinity (1st position in 2015)

b) Jesus (11th position in 2015)

c) Girton  (24th position in 2015)

She had a bigger mandate than any CUSU President in years

She had a bigger mandate than any CUSU President in years.

16. In her final email to members this term, the Cambridge University Conservative Association chairman Victoria Brown revealed a “record membership”, with “55 new members” and bullishly added “Try to beat this, Michaelmas 2016!”. Delightful news, so how many members voted in the CUCA end-of-term internal elections that resulted in Alistair Ward-Booth’s rise to Speaker’s Officer? 

a) 326

b) 123

c) 21

Fish and chips it is not: The glam menu at the CUCA chairman’s dinner.

17. The Tab’s investigation into a St Johns’ drinking society revealed that during one dinner this term with fresher girls, the “lads” present were invited to stand up if: 

a) “You hate the poor”

b) “Your favourite type of girl is asleep”

c) “You’ve ever racially abused someone because they wouldn’t get with you”

d) “You could buy this entire restaurant with your ring”

e) All of the above

18. The police crashed the Peterhouse end-of-term bop when:

a) A fight broke out between townies and the Peterhouse rugby team

b) Cocaine was found at the venue

c) A fresher threw a stone through the tiniest window imaginable of the Sedgwick Museum of Earth Sciences

Carnage

Carnage.

19. In more window-themed chaos, the Darwin dining hall window was smashed into smithereens in December when: 

a) The arctic Cambridge wind finally took its toll

b) A 42-year-old grad reached the climax of his mid-life crisis and went on the rampage

c) A pheasant smashed through the window, scattered utensils everywhere and then died

Carnage (again)

Carnage (again).

20. In Week 8, TCS was produced as normal by its editorial team but the printed editions of the newspapers did not appear. This was because:

a) The editorial team had missed the print deadline

b) The Mosley family – outraged by TCS’ revelation that Union President Oliver was nicknamed ‘Senior Wet Bob’ while at Eton – had taken out their 456th legal injunction against a newspaper

c) The delivery man went on strike as CUSU had forgotten to pay him

Irony: Former President Oliver Mosley recently defended the tabloid Press in a Union debate

Irony: Former President Oliver Mosley recently defended the tabloid Press in a Union debate.

21. What is the most annoying thing about Christmas? 

a) Extended episodes of Coronation Street

b) Pretending to like your second cousins twice removed

c) Christmas quizzes in which the answer is always the last option available

You’ve probably now worked out that every answer is the final one on offer. Makes you proud to be a Cambridge student.

Merry Christmas everyone, we will no doubt see you for more fun and games in the New Year.