Best locations for Best Bums
You should get your butt out on the internet and you should do it in style.
A quick scan of the national Tab’s Best Bums offerings will reveal that, while scholars of other unis do have perky rears, Cantabs are uniquely creative in where they choose to get naked.
We have a fine tradition of finding the most prestigious, tourist grabbing, text-book inspiring sights and taking our arses out in front of them. The Cambridge Best Bum entry is a defiant comment on how snobbish this place is; a subversion of the stuffy Cambridge dream, preventing this fine institution from disappearing, if you will pardon the pun, up its own arse.
The burden to live up to this grand heritage has now fallen to you. Here are some options.
In front of the Jesus horse
Why not pose naked in front of a horse you are not allowed to touch, that stands in the middle of a patch of grass you are not allowed to walk on, in a direct view of the porter’s lodge?
If you will happily get up in the very early morning to bare all in front of this postcard-worthy hunk of bronze, then you are both a comedy genius and an idiot.
In the Fitzwilliam Museum
I can picture it now. You, stood butt naked in sprightly contrapposto amongst the shining white, cleanly articulated marble gods and godesses. You would fit right in.
This would be a breach of decorum in daylight hours, since the museum plays host to both school trips and emotionally fragile old people. But I’m sure if you sent a tightly-worded email to the head of exhibitions and either hugely inflate the intellectual significance of the Tab or downplay long you have left to live, then a private fifteen minutes with some art would be achievable.
In a punt
Admittedly, this would be a logistical challenge. This idea rests on your ability to successfully find somewhere you can borrow punts from at 5am, then balance in it without floating away from wherever your mate is standing to take the photo. Punting in your birthday suit also leaves you a lot more exposed to the cruel eyes of the world than just standing still in front of a nice neo-gothic wall.
And it would be very, very cold.
This said, for the competent nudist taking a ‘Best Bums’ snap in a punt would truly be a story to tell the grandchildren.
In front of the Corpus Clock
The best entries are usually posed in front of something very iconic. That weird bug thing really pulls in the crowds. You would have to make sure that the flash was off, however, to prevent any unseemly reflections in the glass.
In the Girton Swimming Pool
This would make a brilliant entry for two reasons. Firstly you could get some interesting optical effects from the distortion of the bum in the water #art. Secondly, it would strike a blow on behalf of the much-mocked hill colleges. To paraphrase a very old joke, Girton needs putting on the map.
In your college library
As far as locations for public nudity go, this is a sensible suggestion. Most college libraries are open 24 hours, and at this point in Michaelmas term, hardly anyone is going to be there around sunrise. There would be no chance of catching frostbite. There would be ladders to pose with.
And, for the rest of your degree, you could re-visit the exact spot of your nakedness and have a bleak essay night warmed by a fond memory.
Outside of Sainsbury’s
This would be very cheeky, since it’s not even technically affiliated with Cambridge University.
You might even get sponsored by Sainsburys. Your bum could be the face (?) of a trailblazing marketing campaign designed to appeal to sexually adventurous generation Y.
In a lecture hall
This is a better idea than it sounds – you can book lecture halls. Just fill out a google document requesting Hall 2b as a rehearsal space for The Taming of the Shrew. Strip. Take the photo. Laugh at your cunning. Laugh at the picture of your bum. Leave.
The roof of your accommodation
Last year’s winner found her fame from the top of a roof.
Cambridge has a beautiful skyline – it’s the first thing that comes up when you give us a Google image search. You must know someone who can climb onto a roof from their bedroom window, and it wouldn’t be as risky as posing nude in front of a landmark, since the porters don’t monitor the sky.
Impressive locations are best, but at the end of the day, we just want to see your bum.
Truly, there is no place more suited to a good butt pic than this town of dreamy spires.
You have until FRIDAY to get in your submissions – email [email protected]