In defence of polyamory
LEA VOLKE on why you should try polyamory.
Still waiting for Prince Charming to show up?
At the end of an exhausting day running between lectures/buttery/the library/your choice of hobby, you find yourself sipping a pint of cheap beer in the college bar – or (perish the thought) Spoons. Nothing more to be expected from this Thursday.
Except maybe meeting the one and only boy – or girl, or mum of your best friend – of your dreams and falling deeply in love.
Love at first sight. A tanned prince on a white stallion. He takes your head in his strong hands and bends you back in a hot and sexy but also romantic and innocent kiss. Nothing too salacious. (This is Spoons, after all.) The story continues, as you can imagine, with marriage and sex – probably the other way around, depending on your tastes, with both probably happening in your College chapel, the obligatory two children – a boy and a girl, a sensible career, building a house, bla bla bla.
As I can see from your teary eyes, you love it. You love hearing it again and again – the oldest, most predictable story in the Western world.
But we all know it’s rubbish. This dream is too fragile and too stupid not to be questioned. So – you ask me – what’s the alternative? What shall we do then – if not waiting for Mr/s Perfect?
Here’s an idea. Poly = Ancient Greek for many. Amor = Latin for love. Polyamory = Love. Much love. It’s like normal love. But you get more of it. You give and take love to and from as many people as you want. With every person involved in the relationship giving their consent. With honesty and trust. I’m not kidding.
Maybe you are one of those enviable humans, who found love in a hopeless place. You sailed your ship into the perfect, pink, sunset with your counterpart, your soulmate, living off of nothing but love, pink wine and raw fish. But what about when he casts out off the water for a day or so to go about his business and you find yourself back in the library, desperately craving a bloody steak and some French fries? No more pink wine and salmon? Never again?
Polyamory means being romantically involved with more than one person at the same time. To fall in love with more than one prince, more than one princess.
Even in a one-to-one relationship, love is a tricky game. Once established, it’s filled with expectations. It has to be kept alive. Love doesn’t work like it does in fairy tales – the story doesn’t end when our prince and princess decide to be in love forever more.
There is no happily ever after. Life is not completed once you meet someone you love. Life is not over when you fall in love. And that’s good news. But it also means we have to start thinking about the next act, when the curtains are up again. How do you want to live your life? Love and be loved. And, most importantly, define your own rules, communicate them and renew them.
What matters the most is staying true to yourself and doing what will make you happy.
In the end, what counts are the moments you loved and were loved.
The best times come when there’s a connection – a spark – between people who love each other. But seriously. The more, the merrier.