Tab tries: Horoscopes. Again.

Horoscopic advice from astrological wizard Patrick Wilson.


So, last week seemed to go well.  I was praised for my godly accuracy.

But did receive some mixed reactions.

… ultimately, however, Mystic Pat was on point.  Enjoy this week’s instalment!


The way the moon is spinning and the earth is spinning and the universe is spinning means that if you spin you’re going to lose an awful amount of weight. This, however, is part of a ritual where you also watch what you eat, stop drinking, and go for a 3 mile run every day. Crazy magic!


Time to get the ol’ tap shoes out of the box under your bed and melodramatically blow the dust off them, because this week is the week you’re most likely to get past the audition stage of any musical theatre shows! “If only this happened last week!” you sigh, reading the rejection email from the Footlights Panto. Don’t worry, your rendition of Bring Him Home will go down much better next year!


Avoid buying snacks and soft drinks this week! The stars have tweeted me saying that your regular corner shop is selling multipack goods as singular items, so stick to the healthy stuff – you don’t see this sordid stuff happen with a bag of quinoa do you?

Just some guys eating quinoa in a bed. How frightfully middle class.


This week a promotion is within your grasp! Often held at fast food restaurants, promotions get you a special meal that only exists once a year for about a week OR you could win something from them. Enjoy your promotion, because next week you might die.


This week is the week to take up sheepherding. After the Super Moon excited the sheep so much (sheep are major fans of astronomical phenomena, in case you didn’t know), they are extremely malleable for the next few weeks, and as Leona Lewises (that’s a technical name, sorry to all you laymen out there) are agriculturally enhanced by Mercury crashing through the 4th house and into its back garden, all sheep will do your bidding. Enjoy the tyranny.

This one’s known in the community as Al-baa-rt Einstein. Sheep love puns.


Oh sweet Lorde, take off your shoes and put those feet up in the air – it’s written in the stars in what can only be described as very elaborate cursive that you’re all highly susceptible to verrucas. Nasty, nasty verrucas. If you can’t get verruca socks, the abundance of Freshers Week condoms should work instead. On your feet, obvs.


To be honest, I’m a bit confused on what is going on with you guys. Maybe it’s because it’s 2.23 in the morning and I’m just back from Fez and it was £1 jagerbombs, but sod it I’m doing this horoscope anyway. Basically, you’re screwed. Or maybe you’re not. I dunno, this is a Tab horoscope, what do you want from me? Also your prediction might involve a Fiat Punto.


If you’ve seen the new Fantastic Four movie (I haven’t, I can only assume it’s excellence) and you had a thing for the big baddie, you’re in luck – Toby Kebbell (that’s the actor, not the baddie) is burning in the loins for all you Scorpions. Bring a glass of orange juice for him mind, you’re gonna have to make sure he stays hydrated.

Mask on, mask off – you decide. (He also has a leather one).


This week is the week to give blood for you guys (if you can) – not only because it’s a great thing to do, but also, because of the way the moon is gyrating, you have a major surplus. This is because the human circulatory system has tides, just like the sea and the xx, and the sanguine purge helps the little sailors in you that fancy scientists call red blood cells.


Capricorn-ers, you know how youse are the goats? Well, this month that fact is going to prove prevalent in staying safe, as predators are out for you. The most common natural predator of goats are dogs, so use the ancient warding technique of carrying a big hitting stick to keep them at bay. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.


This is not the week to be in a relationship I’m afraid to say. Tensions are going to be fraught as Saturn passes Venus because he said something dirty to her last time he passed and it was weird because they’re family, so take this as your horoscope hall pass. On that note, ladies, see you at Life on Sunday.


A lot of money is coming your way this week, but only if you’re a devout satanist and sacrifice precisely 2 goats. Unfortunately for me personally, I only have 1 goat, and it is STILL BEING HELD HOSTAGE UNTIL I GET THAT CATULLUS BOOK. THE ESSAY WAS DUE YESTERDAY, BUT I WANT IT OUT OF PRINCIPLE.

It’s just not the same, guys, its just not the same…