10 reasons I could be an MP too

Can’t do PPE? Cambridge turns us into political animals anyway

2015 candidate election funny general election MP uni

This year’s election has been fantastic. Whether you agree or disagree with the result it’s galvanised a number of people and got them thinking about politics.

One of the most impressive outcomes was the effective annihilation of the Labour Party in Scotland and the growth of the SNP. Perhaps the most famous seat steal comes from Mhairi Black, who beat Douglas Alexander by nearly 6000 votes.

At the age of 20, she is the youngest MP and the youngest MP for the Party in the last 300 years. She still has her final year exams to sit.

And it got me thinking. I could do that.

Just think of all the super relevant and important life skills I have learnt since being at university.

Here’s why I can be an MP too (and so can most of you too).

1. I am engaged in politics

debating matters? right?

I voted. I can complain for about 5 years as I have done throughout my albeit small time at university and I am constantly aware of really common day issues that affect the general population.

University students are incredibly representative of all other demographics and have lots of life experience. 

2. I am really good at spending money

me spending money on an overpriced cocktail…with money I found on the floor. Spending what wasn’t mine? Cheeky.

No really. I have been able to spend all of the money I have been given to live on, on a variety of important issues.

Particularly meeting my fellow constituents (over a pint) and visiting local establishments whom I wish to support in my future campaigns (especially Cindies).

3. I am very good at lying

i actually told Cambridge that I’d read these. Hahaha.

No one actually believes you read the WHOLE works of Shakespeare, or everything that Freud had to say. I have been able to scrape good grades on papers full of bullshit.

But remember. This is professional bullshit, and that’s important. After all, I need to pretend I care for the mundane issues of my constituency.

4. I too cannot manage a bacon sandwich

the difficulty comes in the eating…

Fire alarms. Ketchup everywhere. Not even enough money for the decent bacon. Probably bought the non-British kind too which upsets a number of people (UKIP I’m looking at you).

I have similar issues eating ice cream and spaghetti and am sure to be papped looking like a numpty. Perfect.

5. I can associate with people I hate

erm sorry, who are you?

Remember that time we spoke while queuing for Fez? Yeah, it was shit. I don’t like you and I never will.

But we can look back on photos and imagine I like everyone.

6. My university is predominately all white and male

accurate representation…

Hooray! Easy transition from one lifestyle to another.

Nothing like being surrounded by the upper echelons of society to make you a good person to represent the views of the common people. 

7. I have promised a lot of things I have never done

think i promised to do the work, not just put it all around the room…probably promised to tidy up too. oh.

Read an article. Done an essay early. Never leaving my washing up in the sink ever again.

Parliament will be a piece of piss at this rate.

8. I’m charismatic but devoid of feeling and emotion

no emotion but anger.

Feel free to see the demonstration in Week 5. I can callously cut you up for the seat in the library, steal the only book from the shelf and make you feel shit by telling you of my 12 hour day studying.

But I got in, right. Apparently I have a personality.

9. I pretend I’m more important than I actually am

oh look at me. I’m posh and high class and drink homemade cocktails. Get a grip, Sam, come on now.

I wear smart clothes. I talk to impressive intellectuals and academics. I write for a media establishment that actually has a fair bit of influence.

Although realistically I’m just the same awkward fresher I was yesterday. All that matters is you think otherwise.

10. I have a funny face

Rudolph anyone??

This is a must for politics. I’m not sure why. Maybe more people vote if you look like a cartoon character.

As you can see, University life sets you up for a life in politics. It would be an easy transition and I recommend you all try.

I mean, can our efforts be any worse than the other non-university student MPs?