Cambridge’s Sexiest Wildlife

So natural beauty. Wow.

asbaby asboy cam Cambridge ducks King's Life mr asbo pigeons river cam sexy swans tourists tree Wild wildlife

Wildlife. Sexy. Two words you never thought you’d hear consecutively, and that I never thought I’d say consecutively.

But wildlife doesn’t ever get objectified, and I don’t feel that’s fair. Women are objectified, men are objectified, domesticated animals are occasionally objectified, but wildlife manages to evade this attention.

So much injustice

I’ve therefore decided to put a stop to that, and while this is no way a promotion of bestiality, it is maybe a call for you to leave the soulless confines of the library, venture out and appreciate a bit of natural beauty.

So now that I’ve tenuously linked this to improving students’ mental and physical health, and simultaneously justified disregarding my degree in favour of writing it, lets get on.

Here is Cambridge’s sexiest wildlife:

The Asbo “Bad boy” Family

I was planning on mentioning Mr Asbo, the infamous swan who terrorised unsuspecting punters on the Cam. However, upon further inquiry (google search), I uncovered a dynasty of aggressive swans. Despite being removed from the river in 2012, it turns out that Mr Asbo defiantly procreated to spawn more vicious signets.

Everyone loves a bad boy. A three-generation Swan mafia, Mr Asbo, Asboy, and Asbaby are the kings of the Cam (at least they were until they were removed by the river authorities). They are cool and confident, with a penchant for lawlessness. The ultimate catch.

Behind Bars (this is not the real Mr Asbo, merely an actor’s representation)

Where can you find it? – In a family cell at a local wildlife delinquency centre.

What time of day? – No longer on the Cam sorry folks, you’ll have to find a thrilling, dangerous, whirlwind romance elsewhere.

The Lonely Pigeon

Pigeons are ugly. Pigeons are annoying. Pigeons are unlovable. But aren’t we all? The pigeon may have its flaws, but what it really needs is a self-confidence boost. Cut the pigeon some slack and embrace its quiet charm. Don’t physically embrace it, those things carry diseases. Metaphorically embrace it, from a distance.

Flying solo

Where? – Green spaces, roads, pavements – you name it, you can probably find a pigeon there.

What time? – The pigeon just wants love. So pretty much any time of day it’ll be out, roaming, searching for true affection.

The Biggest Bonsai Tree In The World

While I was sitting by the river wildlife spotting, a punting tour came past and the punt tour man pointed to a random tree on the riverbank and sincerely told an unassuming group of tourists that it was the biggest bonsai tree in the world. I want you to think about that for a second.

The ‘biggest bonsai tree’ therefore is an expert in bullshit. All style and no substance. It can talk itself up like there’s no tomorrow, but when you get to the root of the issue, it leafs you with a lot to be desired.

I smell bullshit

Where? – On the riverbank by Kings. You can actually only sit there if you are a member of the college, but I sat there anyway because, like Mr Asbo, I enjoy life outside the law.

What time? – All the time, it’s a tree.


In a lecture I was told that we shouldn’t be confined to the Judaeo-Christian binary of humans versus animals. Of course that was in relation to my degree, not in relation to Cambridge’s sexiest wildlife, but I’ll adopt it nonetheless. Animals, humans, plants, fungi – we are all one and the same, and this breed of wildlife litters the Cambridge landscape in equal measure as a more typical species.

Where? – Scattered generally all around Cambridge, particularly concentrated along King’s Parade. Often found taking pictures. They pay little to no regard to the difference between roads and pavements, and move fluidly and uncaringly between the two, with limited awareness of bikes, cars, buses and angry students.

What time of day? – All day, everyday. Particularly at times when you need to get somewhere and are trying to cycle through the centre of town.

The Tree of Mystery

I have walked past Queens’ Green every day that I have been at this university. And I had never seen this tree until yesterday. It is therefore the tree of mystery. Because where did it come from? Where will it go? The tree of mystery is dark, handsome and elusive – you can’t trust it but it somehow manages to lure you in.

So elusive

Where? – Right in the middle of Queens’ Green

What time of day? – I honestly can’t say. This tree has genuinely perplexed me. I’ve concluded that trying to understand its patterns of behaviour is futile. It does what it wants.

Effortless Beauty Ducks

They’re probably taken, sorry. But that doesn’t mean you can’t shamelessly lust after them. These ducks are classic beauties – shimmery green heads, piercing black eyes and stylishly variegated wings. They know how great they are, and they know how shit you are, so don’t even try it with these guys. You are almost certainly inferior.

Where? – Emma pond

What time of day? – They usually spend mornings in bed with their lovers, smoking and reading French newspapers. You might be able to catch them out and about in the afternoon, but I’m not making any guarantees.

You now have it all – scientifically sound, comprehensive information on Cambridge’s extensive array of wildlife. It’s now up to you to decide – which is the sexiest?