They’re actually putting Dolphins in the Cam and letting us swim with them

So there I was, the stresses of exam term wearing me down to a husk of my former self, scrolling numbly through Facebook allowing the guilt and clickbait to wash over me like the sea on the back of an aquatic mammal, when suddenly my eyes alighted ‘pon an event. An event which seemed too good to be true.

Intrigued, I clicked further. Hence, my eyes beheld something which I had always wanted, a dream which had flirted around the borders of my consciousness since my days as an urchin boy visiting the aquarium with my thirteen brothers, a dream which, once achieved, would allow me to die a happy and soggy man.

They are going to put dolphins in the Cam, and let us swim with them.

I’ve always wanted to swim with Dolphins. Now it looks like I could do just that not 200 metres from my room.

At first, of course, I was sceptical. I got into Cambridge: I am not easily duped. However, the further I investigated, the more I was sure that this was no scam. There was a signup sheet asking for flipper sizes. There was a legit website. There was even pictorial evidence.

Look. It must be true!

If felt like Thomas doubting the resurrection of the messiah. I pray that the Dolphins will forgive me.

It saddens me to see some in the loony left appear to have complained about the ethicality of putting saltwater Bottlenose Dolphins in the Fresh(well…)water River Cam, for this is truly what Cambridge does to us: it turns us into cynics. I hope they change their minds and embrace the sheer joy of the Dolphin when they see them.

Even bigger than that Labour club poster

I would fully recommend you go along: the event is on the 24th of June and would make the perfect post-exam reward. Be careful though, 1.2 thousand people have said they are attending. Those Dolphins will be very popular. Get there fast.

Such grace

If the throngs of people prove too much for you, there is the ritual Sacrifice of Loved Ones to the God Huitzilopochtli, which promises to be thoroughly entertaining. A preview of this performance should be going up on The Tab any day now.

I can now return to my work a happy man, and face my exams with great excitement for what is to follow them.

Even if they are still too stressful, CUSU have generously organised a cathartic Orgy on the 25th of March to be held in King’s College Chapel. Nice work guys.