Tab meets: Cirque De L’Extraordinaire
ARCHIE HENDERSON has an extraordinary encounter with the cast of a new sketch show
As One Direction move on, I see the cast of Cirque entering Starbucks: Jordan, Theo, Sam and Guy. They are dishevelled, and all four hold hands forlornly, a vapid paper chain.
“Morning, Andy”, they cry out in unison to the barista.
“Morning Stewarts” the barista calls back, hurling an egg at Theo’s procumbent face. It transpires that Guy, Theo, Jordan and Sam are stage names, and the cast of Cirque are all in fact called Stewart.
Sam, Jordan and Theo order a cup of tap water, iced, lemoned. Guy orders an empty mug. As we sit down on an array of beige poofs, he cackles maniacally into the vacant vessel. Jordan leans in and whispers in my ear, ‘he’s filling it with his hopes and dreams’. They all leer at me. I decide to begin the interview.
Archie: Your previous show was called Pelican, last term at Corpus Playroom. Did that have anything to do with the enormous expandable gullet that Guy is semi-successfully hiding under that beard?
Jordan pulls out a pencil and snaps it in two. Theo’s back instantly breaks. Guy leans in and whispers ‘voodoo magic’ into my ear, before kissing my nape.
Archie: What can we expect from your new show?
Theo: Guy is a fierce advocate of realism, it was really good of him to agree to letting us carry out the sex change.
Guy winces; Jordan laughs once, aggressively; Sam quietly vomits into a shoe.
Archie: Scholars maintain that you are all too suspiciously Aryan to be involved in comedy. Is Cirque merely a front for master race promotion?
We all laugh, but the laugh is uncomfortable, like when someone spits food onto your elbow.
I blush. Jordan takes offence and punches my genitals. I later learnt that he has his genetic origins in a culture in which blushing is the equivalent to asking someone for a genital punch.
Archie: It’s rumoured that Cirque is going to contain full-frontal nudity. Do you get competitive about the size of your respective sausages? And after breakfast, do you compare your penises?
The troupe of youths at this point removes all clothing and begins passionately kissing, in some sort of decadent hedonistic ritual. I close my notepad and join in. All eyes on me, in the centre of the ring. Just like a circus.
Cirque De L’Extraordinaire is on at the ADC from Wed 4 – Sat 7 March at 11pm