Glacial Girton! Freezing students faint with illness as college refuses to turn on heating

Mass hysteria as room temperatures plummet and the heating remains off in Girton

cold girton heating

An arctic shitstorm has been slowly brewing in the distant realms of Girton College, finally erupting this weekend as students forced to live in freezing rooms begged CUSU to appeal to the college authorities to turn the heating on.

As temperatures plunged earlier in the week, Girton Plodge became inundated with complaints and requests by students to turn the centralised heating on.

However, these went unheard as students were sent away with portable heaters — and when those ran out, they were given advice such as “wrap up warm” and “fill the hole in your window-frame with blu-tack”.

Girton's location. Rather like Big Brother: funny, yet also somehow tragic.

Girton in summer: a distant balmy dream

After contacting CUSU Welfare to plead with the authorities, the Senior Tutor responded by encouraging students to contact either their tutors or the Junior Bursar — which is what they had been doing for the past week.

“Forget the shock of cold in the morning, at Girton it is a constant numb ache for the entirety of the day. During Fresher’s week I wore my huge fur coat to our bop because a room full of people dancing wasn’t enough to keep me from shivering,” recounts Tula Gellot, a first-year Engling at the prison, sorry, college.

Initially staff claimed the heating would come on, as per usual, in mid-October.

However, yesterday students were shocked by the official announcement that it could be up to 10 days before the switch is flicked.

Girton staff have also been evasive with responding to queries about who actually controls the switch. When it was pinpointed to the Junior Bursar, staff allegedly refused to reveal the location of her office.

The brief blanket e-mail sent by the Junior Bursar to all complaining students, labelled by one student as “flippant” and “condescending”

When contacted by The Tab, the Mistress gave this enigmatic and sparse explanation:

“Girton College, mindful of balancing student welfare, environmental sustainability, and prudence, uses a formula (related to the weather) for turning on the main heating system. This has not yet been triggered.”

What has been triggered is a wave of illness and disillusion among the inmates of Girton. One student had to miss lectures after fainting from the cold. Her room had reached temperatures of just 12C and she was denied a heater.

According to the UK Housing Act, the legal temperature in rented accommodation is 18C — the highest currently recorded by a Girton student is 17C.

“Obviously this isn’t directly a result of the lack of heating as I have underlying health problems,” clarified the victim in question.

“But the additional heater attached to the wall in my room was disconnected in the first few days due to it being dangerous to use, they haven’t replaced it and when I asked for a convection heater they said that too many students were requesting them.”

Girton - Hogwarts or Gulag camp?

Girton – Hogwarts or Gulag camp?

Other students have been turned away because they “didn’t look ill enough”, whilst yet another student actually felt forced to go home in order to “recuperate in warmer temperatures”.

I feel like I’m living in a dictatorship,” said one student. “ I’ve sent numerous emails to the relevant authorities and I’m being repeatedly ignored, despite paying an extortionate amount to live here.”

Tempers began to run high when it was revealed that the heating is on in the administration corridor, occupied by staff officers.

When students asked why this was the case, they were told that the offices are “close to the hot water pipes.”

Doing the Walk of Shame through college has become a little more challenging given the Arctic conditions

Doing the Walk of Shame through college has become even more of a challenge

The dominant conspiracy theory at the moment is that Girton is trying to make up for their catastrophic financial loss after the construction of their new Ash Court wing.

With more and more of the Girton student body getting caught up in the crisis as it thickens, it was heartening to hear a second-year respond with characteristic Girtonian hardiness: “Life is hard out on the farm. This is how college sorts out the wheat from the chaff; only the strongest can survive a Girton winter.

“RIP to our fallen fresher comrades, your time was brief but sweet.”

Another seasoned second-year’s advice, given over the Girton JCR page, was more blunt and to the point: “Get a jumper u pussies.”

All unnamed interviewees requested anonymity due to fear of disciplinary repercussions.