Toxic Fresher Stereotypes to Avoid

Perhaps the unfortunate incident that warranted your embarrassing nickname wasn’t reflective of your personality, or perhaps it was but you just want the chance to kid people into thinking you’re cool.

Fear not, young one, for Freshers week is the perfect opportunity to pretend you’re something you’re not!

Every unknowing fool you meet during those first few weeks will be blissfully ignorant of your true self – it’s time to start afresh.

I got a bit stuck when trying to imagine convincing ways to con people into thinking you’re a cool, popular human being, so here’s a list of Cambridge fresher clichés to avoid as you prepare to be butchered like a juicy ham in the meat market that is Freshers’ week:

1. The ‘I’ve had ten bottles of wine and still can’t feel it’ Fresher

Often the heart of the party – don’t be fooled into thinking this person is the best thing since robinson concentrated squash drops – they’re chugging all that wine to fill a void in their soul, and they will end up on your floor chundering into your new Ikea laundry basket.

One night’s consumption

2. The ‘way too mature for this since I reached enlightenment in Thailand on my gap yah’ fresher

Found wearing elephant-patterned harem pants in the corner of the room looking scornfully at his/her fellow freshers.

Grasping with every inch of their being to that one-year maturity, the gap yah fresher has no patience for sweaty club nights or t-shirt signing and is likely to boycott the week all together, instead choosing to spend it revelling in indie-ness.

3. The ‘hello, nice to meet you, welcome to my face’ fresher

This breed of fresher comes into his/her element within the sweat-wetted walls of Cambridge’s few nightclubs, likely to confuse any attempt you make to communicate with them for an invitation for them to momentarily attach their equally sweaty, germ-ridden, VK-stained mouth to yours.

Not to be confused with genuine affection, and remember that coldsores are difficult to spot in the dark.

Salacious in Cindies

4. The ‘I promise I’m not a nerd, why am I even here’ fresher

Lets face it, no matter how vehemently this person avoids talking about their subject, how many slutdrops they do on the carpeted dancefloor or how much he/her insists they spent their A-levels watching Breaking Bad rather than revising, the fact remains that everyone student at Cambridge, through association, is a nerd.

Embrace it, don’t hide your book-fetish under a bushel.

We know you prefer Chaucer

5. The ‘shuts-self-in-room-in-order-to-avoid-all-human-contact’ fresher

On the opposite end of the spectrum, this fresher may find the whole concept of being pushed together with a group of equally terrified, socially-anxious freshers a little too over whelming and may choose to spend the week locked in his/her room.

Who can be dealing with real people and all their irritating social norms when there are simulated elves to befriend on world of warcraft?

So if you’re sitting there plotting the ‘identity re-branding’, you might want to consider making an active effort to avoid slipping into any of the above stereotypes. Instead, you might consider just chilling out and acting yourself. (Cue shock, horror, cliché conclusion).

You’ll be surprised how many douchebags you repel and you might even attract some friends if you’re lucky.