16 Things You Absolutely Must Pack For Cambridge

Unsure what you’ll need at Uni? Fear not, quivering fresher: TED HILL is here to tell you exactly what to bring for your first terrifying Cantab term.

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There’s loads of stuff all over @socialmedia# about what to take when going to university.

But these articles are often stupid, condescending and just plain wrong. Who the fuck takes a salad strainer to uni?

So sit back, relax and take your eyes off the road to enjoy The Tab’s guide to what to pack for Cambridge University:

1. Bed

Check with your college to see if this is provided. If it’s not provided, bring one!

You need it to sleep on, idiot.

Make sure there is a mattress. Don’t make the mistake of my fresher’s week (I had to go all Ray Mears on the situation and make a futon out of leaves and berries while drinking my mum’s urine).

2. Wine and glow sticks

Never go to a dinner party or rave with empty hands.

3. Red trousers

EVERYONE here wears red trousers. Don’t be the twat wearing jeans.

Bring one T-shirt, but only for fancy dress formal; the rest of the time its dinner suit with gown. No exceptions. Not even showers.

Even girls dress like this in Cambridge

4. Shampoo

Important and multi functional, since it can be used to wash your hair, or the hair of others.

5. Protesting placards

You’re going to get angry about something at some point. Save yourself the creative outlay and time by being prepared and simply filling the space with generic phrases like ‘I disagree’ or ‘#boo’.

“Down with this sort of thing”

6. Alcohol

Ideal for starting up banter and getting yourself in with a group of lads.

The sweet sauce will help you get over the initial shyness and forget about your ‘is this sexist’ doubts while you lick horseradish from a stranger’s vulva.

7. Condoms

In case you trick someone into thinking you’re normal.

8. Ammunition for class warfare

Cambridge is like prison, you have to stick with your own. When it all kicks off, you’ll need the following weapons:

  • If you’re upper class, bring one of daddy’s hunting rifles.
  • If you’re lower class, bring one of mummy’s boyfriend’s knives,
  • If you’re middle class, so is everyone! There’s safety in numbers.
ghghdf

Mmmn. Hummus

9. The severed heads of your parents

Mount them to your wall like elderly animals. Stuff your room full of chique, with a chilling, taxidermified representation of how grown up and independent you are.

10. Hair gel

You’ll never get into the cool crowd without cool hair.

11. The essentials

Laptop, kitchen equipment, snakes. Don’t be that fresher who has to borrow their next-door neighbour’s snake when the rats come to town.

12. Rats

The rats aren’t going to come on their own! If we don’t keep the rat population thriving the snakes will starve.

gddghg

Wednesday Cindies dancefloor

13. Bike

These are really easy to transport, and impossible to buy in Cambridge.

14. Car

Bikes are for pussies and lefties. Fuck the council and fuck the environment. You can’t beep your horn at fit girls or run over cyclists on a bike.

15. Curtains

Ideal for keeping out the light.

16. Pencil case

At some point you’re going to have to do some work, though not much – this is Cambridge, not a plucky northern polytechnic.

Obviously, only bring this if you’ve definitely got space for all your caviar.