Me, a boyfriend?! Bitch please, don’t kill my vibe

We’ve all been there. It’s 2pm, we’re sitting at our desks trying to concentrate, but really we’re just waiting for one goddam text to arrive from the guy who stayed over after that wild night in Cindies.

And then it’s 3pm, and then it’s 10pm… It’s already not worked out with five other guys this year and we’re thinking, how is this possible. I mean, I’m attractive, fun, kind, clever – hello, why are boys not throwing themselves at my feet??!

But Herbert never texts back, and for the next week or so you feel pissed off, and upset, and overanalyse everything that happened between you two, all whilst pretending that you really don’t care, ‘cos like, I totally wasn’t attached anyway’.

Please, ladies, I’m staging an intervention.

And by ladies, I mean all girls who would really just quite like a nice boyfriend. And that’s not all of you, I know. But it is many of you: that I know too.

Moping around feeling miserable on account of boys just won’t do any longer. I won’t accept us justifying spending a huge amount of time thinking and talking about boys at the expense of other things ‘because that’s what girls do’.

Of course we do that sometimes, and it feels great. But attracting boys needs to stop being our priority, and central to all our actions.

Most of my closest friends are guys, and I’ve learnt a lot from them over the last two years. So I suppose I’m imparting a bit of advice: take some, leave some, it’s up to you. And if it just provides a little light entertainment in the library, that’s totally fine too.

The most boring library session ever

1. You will never, ever understand how boys think. Just stop trying!

Don’t overanalyse all your conversations with Herbert, don’t spend two hours putting the perfect ratio of exclamation marks to full stops in your messages, don’t try and make sense of the incomprehensible mixed signals he’s sending.

Sister, get real. It doesn’t matter if he seemed really into you, or took you out to dinner, or smiled at you in Sainsbury’s the other day. If he’s not texting you back, he’s just not that into you. 

Big deal!

2. Don’t let rejection get to you.

Girls have an unbelievable capacity to blame themselves for everything: “Omg. I bored him. I have no personality!” or “That’s it: I’m asexual. I just don’t turn guys on!”

And finally, El Classico Lone Wolf Effect: “I didn’t let Pablo see the real me. I could have saved him, taken care of him, balanced him out. I just didn’t let him in.” Lord, what are we like…

Sometimes no reply is better

3. Girls, stop blaming yourselves.

You’re still fun, and attractive, and kind, and clever. It’s not you. And it’s not him either.

Think about what you’re doing: you’re basing your opinion of yourself largely on what boys you’re interested in think of you. No, no, no! That’s mentally really damaging, because your self-confidence will be knocked every time a guy makes it clear he’s not interested.

Many boys just aren’t looking for anything serious at our age: either go with it, or stay out of it. Don’t, for god’s sake, try and change it!

4. Don’t be hating the boys.

Just a quick point about the males we find so unbelievably frustrating sometimes: don’t hold a grudge. Yes, there are some utter knobs, but a) most guys are lovely and b) some girls act like twats too.

My male friends often tell me about their girl issues and I’m like, “Dude, are you serious? Do you realise the mixed signals you’re sending her?!”

It’s really not meant maliciously: as I said, it’s often that you just aren’t looking for the same thing. And anyway, what a waste of time and energy it is to harbour negative feelings about someone! Which is why, as we shall see, we need to focus our energy elsewhere.

Look at that smile, who could hate on that?

So, Herbert hasn’t texted back.

He’s just not that into you: you know it deep down.

Your friends are sitting around comforting you, telling you that he’s an idiot and that you’re amazing (and you’re sitting there thinking “Yes, well define amazing, because currently it’s not getting me anywhere”), “and anyway,” they’re saying, “he has an annoying haircut.”

Where to go from here?

Find out in Part 2…