Tales of My Greedy Punt – Week 1

Our new sex columnist MAISY MINT dives straight into the moist mound of her salacious misadventures.

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So, I’m your new Tab ‘sex columnist’ right? I got asked to write this by a close friend of mine. He shares my penchant for a certain degree of sexual deviancy with a side order of depravity, so he sees almost all my dirty laundry…and I see his (and once he made me smell it… but that’s another story for another, very different, column).

I suppose one could suggest my moral compass doesn’t exactly point to geodetic north. However, imagine if it did? No naughty 600 words a week for you. Instead, well, can you imagine? Sensible choices make for dull stories, non?

My choices, you’ll be very glad to know, sometimes/often/invariably, inevitably and habitually lack prior cognitive analysis. To put it in the Queen’s English, I think with my cunt, and my cunt is all about the Id. She’s greedy, like, if my cunt was a person she would be very fat and very rude (sort of like me, huh).

Though, perhaps this is not completely true. Although my Superego is a little negligent towards me as my moral guardian, a big part of this whole cock-and-fanny-and-more-fanny business is the whole shebang. Like, yeh, I will sleep with someone for whom I have no sexual desire if they have a genital piercing, because, well I mean because. And, actually ‘liking’ or ‘getting on well’ with or knowing their ‘name’ are of no concerns to me when I am bored with a stiffy.

Nice cock

But this girl has her limits. What’s a lady without standards after all? For example, I won’t sleep with someone if they are terribly inexperienced, unless of course they look like Dustin Hoffman and I have my Mrs Robinson garbs on. Or, I wouldn’t sleep with them if they were a completely up-their-own-arse douchebag, unless getting them to make you come and then running away is funny… which it is.

But I definitely wouldn’t bump uglies with a person who was actually, really mean, unless, it’s like, in a good way. You know, ‘You better be naked on your hands and knees on my bedroom floor in five minutes so you can be punished for being such a dirty little bitch or so help me God you won’t be screaming from just the carpet burn…’. Okay, and just to clarify, some good hard fucking, needs some good, hard objectification. That’s the truth.

So maybe I will just sleep with anyone…

Perhaps not anyone, but if I want it, I make sure I get it.

Now, I’m no Helen of Troy, no Mila Kunis.

For reference: Not me

I can’t give a lot away, but I’m pretty average to be honest, size 10, fairly small, sort of dumpy, a ‘kind’ face, as my mother calls it, ‘not too intimidating’, thanks mummy. Having said this, I have been called a ‘Siren’ (the chauvinist was a man scorned. Fucked him, fucked his best friend, you know how it is), one lanky lover recently called me a Femme Fatale (had to google it, awks) and I can be quite the missionary, you now, ‘converting’ some of the fairer sex to the true faith (eating pussy).

So I certainly have my ways. And those such ‘ways’, dear reader, will be what I’m sharing with you every week. Delicious nuggets of 100% honest (well, places and names may be changed. Witness protection and so forth), naughty, vulgar, sometimes quite gross, awkward, scary, sexy and painful little stories.

The candid tales of a promiscuous Cambridge student will be all yours to feast upon, and feel free to comment.

Keep in mind I will be too busy getting my dick wet to read them. I hope you understand.