Tab tries: Eschatology
Lent is over, but it’s probably too late to save the sanity of ALDERMAN MEGGARTY.
I haven’t slept in 36 hours and strange things are happening all around me.
In the beginning, it was ominous: a far-from-pungent but nevertheless distinct smell of shit was present in the air around Pembroke College.
Somewhere, a woman approaches a bench to sit down on a sunny day, but is put ill-at-ease by the faint whiff of turd.
I write to you today because I feel that, at 4 in the morning during an all-nighter, it occurred to me. There is simply too much fucked stuff in the world right now for it not to be end. Yes, that’s right, I’m going balls to the wall here and predicting an imminent apocalypse.
There has been a shark of monstrous size found in the great (and unknown) oceans of our planet. Of course, this isn’t the first time: all should know of the continuing presence of Gustave, an enormous crocodile that dwells in Burundi and is known to devour adult hippos, and who famously cannot be caught by any means known to humanity). But nevertheless, Gustave’s threat comes from those semi-aquatic areas (such as mangroves, watering holes and rivers) across Africa; what happened with the shark was at sea.
The waterways of this earth are interminable. Elsewhere, to the seas east of Gustave and his grotesque crocodile kingdom, a plane has gone missing. They simply do not know why. Every mission to find this plane has led to another dead-end. But I think I have a proposal.
I contend that the plane must have been devoured by the shark.
Call me anything you like, o readers of this esteemed publication to which I rave, wired on pro-plus to the point of delirium, and frothing rabidly – but do not call me illogical. The sequence of events here is possible and, to my mind, plausible.
My concern, the thing that drives me like a maniac to get this piece to you before it’s too late, is that the laws of nature have been uprooted and that fair is foul and foul is fair. Nothing is impossible anymore.
~ There are troop movements on the border of the Crimea.
~ A woman has given birth to squid.
~ Gustave eats hippos.
~ They don’t know how this plane went missing.
~ Pembroke College smells of shit.
An imminent apocalypse is upon us. I will not give you false hope. I will not tell you that everything will be alright, since it evidently will not.
There are, however, some pieces of advice I can give you
1. Purchase a firearm. You will need this because it is a powerful weapon which shoots little bits of metal very fast indeed.
2. Purchase tinned food and bottled water. Whatever the apocalypse is going to be, and I can’t give you specifics, survival will probably involve being holed-up in some god-forsaken place fighting off demons, zombies, or each other. Good luck.
3. Make sure you know the Dominos Code ‘CAMBUNI1’. It allows you to get 2 for 1 on all pizzas ever. Don’t gas about two-for-Tuesdays anymore: it’s like that every day now. To collect the pizza, see point 1: you will probably need to shoot your way through.
Good luck everyone. I hope I see you in whatever afterlife you might believe in or join you in blissful annihilation. And have a good holiday.