Rachel Tookey: Week 7

Columns are refined yet powerful things. My all-time favourite is Trajan’s, although Zeus’s Pillars and Ask Abbey come into a tight second and third place.

Ranking columns is one of my skills. What isn’t one of my skills is actually building columns, or being ‘meta’ successfully. If you don’t know what Meta is: look it up, or go to the ADC. It’s unfortunate that after fresher’s flu, a desire to be ‘meta’ at every conceivable opportunity seems to plague newcomers to Cambridge. It is an undesirable affliction, much like wearing too much tweed – and it’s normally the same culprits for both. A film about a film, a play within a play, a microwave in an oven, a fresher in a fresher: the madness must end. Like all attempts to act intelligent or edgy when we first come to Cambridge, you instead look like a pretentious idiot. If you want to put a fresher in a fresher, do it within the privacy of a fourth wall. We don’t need to see that shit.

I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise to you all for constantly self-referencing that I am writing a Tab column throughout this series: I’m sorry. For calling someone a wanker almost every week however, I have no regrets.

As I’ve come to understand with meta, there is just no need to show such self-awareness of what you are doing all the time. Everyone is unbelievably self-referential here all for the sake of a cheap joke. Just stop overthinking it. Theatre in Cambridge unfortunately struggles no end with the meta-beast (it looks like a beast making love muffins with another beast). It’s time for us all to learn how not to be meta. Here’s an excerpt from an unnamed but famous play:

Person One:            Love. The clouds are cold.

Person Two:            When did we two last meet?

I now present to you several endings to this famed opening scene – occasionally I’ve even given you the character names. Those of you who recognise the play keep quiet about which one is correct. Your task is only to select the ending that is not sickeningly meta:

Option 1:

Donna:                       When you fucked my husband

Dina:                          What? No, it was before then.

Option 2:

One:                           Yesterday

Two:                            Yes

One:                           When did we two last meet before then?

The scene then continues on a loop for 43.3 cycles – or roughly 92 minutes and 20 seconds in an experimental arts café. ⅖ of the way through it swaps to Ancient Greek for 2 cycles.

Option 3:

One:                           In the theatre

Two:                            Sshh, there are people listening

One:                           Forget them Dina, I love you. I don’t care if Donna knows

Two:                            [Nervous look to audience] But this – – this is dogging

Option 4:

                                                [Person Two punches Person One to the floor]

One:                           Fuck you, Godot

Two:                           I’m sorry, I had an essay crisis

                                                [Exeunt, pursued by bear]

Option 5:

            Salvio:                        Met we then in France and spriced King from life

Brandio:                     Verily sir, you did brandishéd a huge knife

[Brandio gestures to Salvio’s crotch]

Salvio:                        Quell thee Brandio! Thou art an equinine lamppost

[They duel]

The correct answer is all of them, because I wrote them. The incorrect answer is number 1 because it’s offensive. Number 4 is also incorrect because nobody likes a literary show-off – although honestly nobody liked you anyway. Possibly even numbers 1 through 5 are wrong, I’ve actually forgotten the question.

Meta can be done well – but only by Footlights, so stop trying. But we shouldn’t forget how fun audience interaction can be. What’s that I hear you cry? Nothing. Good, know your place. This week we’re going to have an anti-meta-themed competition running into next week (since it’s my last week). It’s time to embrace realism. The prize for the winner is a signed copy of the above play. Your task: to submit a recording of your acting. But your acting has to be as realistic as possible. Whatever you do – Sainsbury’s shopping or another fresher – just act as natural as you can for as long as possible. The most natural, un-self-referential acting will win.

In fact, to make it as realistic as possible, I wouldn’t even record it. Don’t let on to anyone that you’re actually acting when you’re doing it – not even me – or you’ll lose. I look forward to announcing the winning entry next week.

[Exit, pursued by commenters]