The Cambridge Bubble Is To Become Literal

In striking new plans, the University of Cambridge authorities are planning on finally embracing the tag of ‘the bubble’ by implementing an actual dome-like see-through structure around the main University.

For years, Cambridge University – alongside the other place – has beaten off accusations of being inside its own bubble, secluded nonchalantly away from the real world. But now in a shocking and altogether unexpected turn of events, Lord Sainsbury has decided that, in rhetoric eerily similar to some sort of sixth stage alcoholics anonymous meeting, embracing a problem is the first step in trying to get over it. As such, beginning with the Academic year 2014-2015, a giant dome structure will be erected around the main University site.

This copy of the initial plan was mysteriously found among the flyers of The Greek Play

The idea is said to have come to Lord Sainsbury as he was having a lazy night in eating ice cream and watching the Simpsons movie. In an exclusive interview with the Tab, Sainsbury, who is also a big fan of Stephen King’s Under the Dome, insisted that the bubble would bring only prosperity to the University.

“For years, people have talked about being trapped inside the Cambridge bubble without being able to escape”, Sainsbury said. “Now we can make that a reality by keeping everyone in a dome until the end of their third year. At that point anybody with a 2:2 or lower will be ejected forcefully, anyone with a 2:1 will be made to stay to work as gardeners and kitchen staff, and an­­­­yone with a first will be forced into academia by means of a PhD and the supervision of the next year’s batch of unruly first years”.

Lord Sainsbury conducted our exclusive interview while munching a delicious Sainsbury’s Ham & Mushroom Tagliatelle from the cheap and reliable Be Good To Yourself range (the Tab does not condone product placement but is willing to point out a potential conspiracy theory behind the fact that Sainsbury’s – a supermarket formerly run by Lord Sainsbury – has the two closest stores to nearly all the Colleges. Coincidence? Maybe not…).

At only £2.20 who can blame the Lord?

The bubble will encompass all the Cambridge Colleges, including Girton, meaning it places last week’s announcement of Government plans for High Speed rail through Cambridge in serious doubt. Whilst this is clearly disappointing for anyone on the pull, it has left some commentators highly relieved, given the worry over possible economic losses at nearby Homerton.

Sainsbury hopes that the new bubble will help to entrench what he calls specific Cambridge ‘inabilities’ such as socialising, clubbing, handing in work late and not believing that there is life beyond the ‘reality lamppost’ on Parker’s Piece, all in an attempt to make everyone at the University ‘well-balanced’. It remains to be seen whether the dome will be a permanent fixture and if not how long it will take for students and staff to become well-rounded – or domed, if you will – for Sainsbury to have the dome removed.

The Tab has its reservations over the plan but admits that if it keeps the Daily Mail reporters out on Suicide Sunday then it can only be a good thing.