Worst Cambridge College: Vote Now!

As the pigs once told us, “All men are equal, but some are more equal than others.” The pigs weren’t wrong. Some Colleges stand out like shining beacons of academic or aesthetic glory.

It’s boring when a college is brilliant, though. It takes much more guile to be really fucking rubbish. The Tab has compiled a shortlist of what it believes to be the crappiest colleges on campus. In the interests of healthy competition, we’ve purposefully excluded the Grad colleges. Ditto John’s.

Cast your vote below for the shittest college in Cambridge.

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No colleges were harmed in the making of this feature. Any views expressed are those of The Tab and do not represent popular consensus. We love ’em all, really.

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Peterhouse

Other than historians, who even goes here? With a student roll you could count on one hand, David Mitchell as its alumnus pretty much sums up this college’s achievements. Peterhouse’s distinct aversion to green space seems to be the perfect breeding ground for what…? Mediocre formals and Thatcherites. Great.

In its ‘alternative prospectus’, Peterhouse confidently claims, “there are no ‘bad’ colleges in Cambridge.” Sounds like the lady doth protest too much…

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Girton

Sure, once you’ve made it out here, it’s perfectly pleasant. But, seriously, who has? 2.3miles. A forty-seven minute walk. Speaks for itself really.

Hitler sums it up pretty nicely…

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Homerton

About half way between Colchester and Cambridge, welcome to Homerton: a crumbling conference centre where despair grows like cress in a soggy mulch of misplaced enthusiasm, and red bricks take on the form of outhouses and halls. It could be seen as charming that a college is even beyond the rural-urban fringe – the atmosphere of desperate inbreeding this engenders is almost quaint.

As a Cambridge college, it can boast a long and illustrious history of…six years, being fully recognised as a Cambridge college in 2007. Uttering the words, “I go to Homerton” is so often followed by a knowing, sympathetic nod of the pool.

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Corpus Christi

More money is spent on a bunch of old books than on food, accommodation and extra-curriculars put together at Corpus. Yes, the Corpus Clock is pretty – for all of one minute. Because of this attraction, the ticking heard in the library brings a sense of timeless emptiness and hollowness at the college surrounding you.

When you couple this with the fact that you can walk the perimeter of the college in about ten steps, it doesn’t bode well. Corpus is Cambridge’s answer to Liechtenstein. Small, poor, fairly nondescript and lacking in gumption.

 

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Murray Edwards

With the nickname ‘Hurry Bedwards’ (an epithet that should be circulated more often), one could be fooled into thinking the attendees are an outgoing, stimulating bunch. However, Murray Edwards’ 60s, clinical approach to architecture brings this reputation down somewhat and the more common ‘Mudwards’ seems a lot more fitting.

The entrance lobby that looks like an estranged brother of R2D2 is the college’s most defining feature. This preternatural backdrop and all-female population seems conducive to fuelling a mild (/heightened) sense of lascivious frustrations. But don’t worry, the college has its priorities just right. The construction of three expensive bronze beetle statues outside the hall make the geographical location, single sex and modern architecture all okay. Not. We can only pray for these souls.

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Churchill

Little known fact: Churchill was originally planned to be used as the setting for Prison Break, but was passed over for being ‘too depressing’.

What you can’t escape is the stench of desperation emanating from its seemingly all-male population, attenuated only by the presence of Murray Edwards girls next door. The Churchill scientists occasionally organise raiding parties into Mudwards – the girls put up with it and pretend to enjoy their company just because they feel sorry for them.

Churchillians will attempt to coax you in with the promise that “it’s nicer on the inside.” Don’t listen to them. Don’t go in – it only gives them false hope.