Desportism

Sport is bad for society. This is a true fact, proven by Science. Many of you will refuse to believe this as you are already addicted to sport. This article is not for you. It is too late to save you. You must be taken out to a peaceful location and shot in the back of the head, to stop the damage you are doing to society. This article is for those considering taking up sport. It is for those who have just begun playing games of sport, for whom there is still time to break the addiction.

Disturbing: the immorality of sports affects fans and players alike

Many people believe that sport is a good thing, both for the individual and for society. Nothing could be further from the truth. Any time you play a game of sport, the body begins to release harmful chemicals into the bloodstream, called “adrenalines”. These adrenalines make sports players faster, stronger and more powerful but at a terrible cost, causing feelings of anger and hatred, and leaving the sports player feeling tired, with aches and pains when they finally leave the bloodstream. These effects make sports dangerously addictive, as sports players play more and more sports to gain the “highs”, whilst being afraid of the feeling of “coming down” from sports.

You may not realise it, but you probably know sports addicts. These people are recognisable because of the bulging adrenaline sacks which form underneath their skin, called “muscles”. These muscles provide them with 24/7 supplies of adrenaline. Sports players will go so far in their quest for adrenalines that they are willing to drink special “sports drinks” which contain electrolytes, chemicals giving them the power to paralyse their sporting opponents with the power of electricity.

For an example of the shocking brutality of sport, look at “boxing”. This isn’t a fun alternative to wrapping presents; it is literally just hitting people. That’s right: it’s actually a crime unless you make it clear you are doing a sport, when it suddenly becomes legal. The name comes from the box the victor takes the head of their rival home in.

Why, then, despite all these scientifically proven harmful effects of sports, do they have such a good reputation? The answer is a terrifyingly ubiquitous PR campaign from sports addicts,  through articles here in The Tab, right up to the upper echelons of the Government. Not content with purchasing their own paraphernalia, the sports addicts demand the money of everyone around them, from their universities and their governments, to fund their addictions.

You see, unlike drugs use, sports manifest as competitions. Not content with merely feeling the effects of a “sports hit”, sports players have to feel that their hit is better than everyone else’s, even grouping together into “sports teams”, temporary alliances of sports players who attempt to achieve “better scores” than rival teams. These “teams” do not even have the loyalty of a permanent arrangement, as previous rivals may group together to beat the “scores” of other, more dangerous, sports people.

Deeply concerning: even our world leaders struggle with this addiction

These terrifying competitions are not even rightly reviled by ordinary citizens. Shockingly, they are in fact celebrated. This can be seen in the 2012 “Olympics”, an event where our own country willingly paid nearly £9bn to indulge the habits of the most terrifying sports players from all over the world. All this, despite the government’s otherwise stubborn insistence on a policy of “austerity”.

Thankfully, there are still some bastions of good sense about sports games. Unfortunately, only the most intelligent have the mental fortitude to stand up against the barrage of pro-sports messages. This is why the University of Cambridge is not funding sports, whilst our academically inferior “rival”, “Oxford”, indulges the whims of its sportspeople.

The good sense of our administrators has caused the defeat of our “sports teams” in their competitions with their Oxford counterparts, leaving them howling for blood and demanding university money to improve their sports paraphernalia. For an example, see this recent article from The Tab.

I must finish with a plea to the University administrators. Please, please, do not give into the demands of these sports addicts, no matter what terrifying physical brutality their constant “sports training” has made them capable of threatening you with. For the good of all of us, do not give in.