The Oscars 2013: LIVE

Keep up to date with the 85th Academy Awards with live blog updates from Nancy Napper Canter, Tommy Shane and James Mitchell.

Emmanuelle Riva Films james mitchell Movies nancy napper-canter oscars tommy shane will pithers

Yep, it’s that time of year again. Emmanuelle Riva’s birthday. She’s 86.

Now I know what you’re thinking – how did those years fly by so quickly!? Sexy little minx. Well, who knows. But she’s up for Best Actress tonight, and is the oldest nominee ever. Will she die if she picks up the award? WE JUST DON’T KNOW. But Features Editor James Mitchell, Culture Editor Tommy Shane, and Film Editor Nancy Napper Canter are going to be up all night bringing you the news you’ll probably just find out in the morning anyway. The LIVE blog updates will appear below from 11pm onwards.

As ever, we want YOUR input. Comment at the bottom of this page or tweet us @TabCambridge – thoughts on dresses, films, shitty speeches…we want it all.

This could be the best – and last – night of Emmanuelle Riva’s life. She’s older than the fucking Oscars.

05.00 Alright, suckas. We’re done. Argo fuck yourselves.

04.56 Argo snatches the Best Picture in a race in which American politics was going to win no matter what. Affleck isn’t as ecstatic as his first acceptance speech:

04.53 Jack Nicholson’s cracking jokes none of us understand, and Michelle Obama has just come out of nowhere, just to qualm any scepticism that, really, this is all about affirming the American government. Nothing like using a 40 million audience to shamelessly cement your position in the White House.

04.51 What do you reckon it’s like to live with a man constantly pretending to be Lincoln? You WILL procure me some dinner.

04.49 ‘I … don’t know how any of this happened’ – Daniel, yes you do. You put on a funny voice and a top hat.

04.47 ‘I am clothed in IMMENSE power … and you will procure me this Oscar’


…this girl beat the 86 year old woman that portrayed an octogenarian dwindling away from life with shame and degradation. But she’z well fit innit.

04.41 Here’s the big moment: Emmanuelle is going to win it for sure – but is she going to die?

04.35 Ang Lee is this year’s Best Director. Thank god. You wont like him when he’s angry.

04.33 Best Director Predicks:

JM: Haneke

WP: Ang Lee

TS: Spielberg

04.30 Tarantino got the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay – he waffled so we’ll sum it up for you: ‘I’m standing here because of the characters I created … boy did I nail it this time’. Mia Farrow has tweeted ‘You can tell who’s doing coke’ – if anyone’s been on the naughty snortz tonight, it’s Quentin.

04.25 Best Adapted Screenplay goes to Argo – the guy who portrayed Iranians as crazed loonies gets a gold statue and Affleck pips Spielberg. Building up to an interesting battle for Best Picture. Or a consolation prize for Argo?

04.17 And Skyfall wins again! As we’ve established, winning a tie for best Sound Editing only counts for a quarter of an Oscar, so we’ve now got maybe one whole Oscar.

‘Youwa all amaaazin!’ – Adele, Oscars 2013.

04.11 Richard Gere presenting the Oscar for Best Original Score. He was great in Pretty Woman, but not everyone is a prostitute Richard.

04.02 Barbara Streisand just gave a jazzy tribute to all the people that died who have served the Oscars during their lives. And yet no Reeva?

03.56 Can’t be bloggered. 

03.42 Silver Linings Playbook screenplay:

PAT: What are you doing, Dad? You know what? Excelsior. Excelsior.

PAT SR.  What does that mean?

PAT: It means you know what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna take all this negativity and use it as fuel and I’m gonna find a silver lining, that’s what I’m gonna do. And that’s no bullshit. That’s no bullshit. That takes work and that’s the truth.

Yeh we really need some Excelsior right now.

03.42 …Well apparently we’ve just reached the midway point. Surely… surely not. Morale is lower than in the cinemas still playing Les Mis.

03.32 Oscar for Editing goes to … the editor of Argo. Clearly our editing has gone overlooked. 

03.25 ‘Here’s hoping that sometime in the not-too-distant future, the misfortunes of Fantine will only be found in stories – and not in real life’ – Anne Hathaway’s admirable attempt to contrive some contemporary relevance for Les Miserables when there quite clearly is none. Bless.

03.23 And Anne Hathaway nabs it. (Look at her nipples! (see below for reference))

03.22 Best Supporting Actress predictions:

JM: Amy Adams

WP: Anne Hathaway

TS: Sally Field

03.19 As you can see from 02:05, sound editing has provided us with our second Lord of the Rings recipient, this time the King of Rohan, Theoden. But before Gandalf comes and exorcises him from the wrath of Wormtongue, when he’s all gnarly.

03.17 SKYFALL WINS! Aaahaha lol it was only in a tie… so I guess it counts as half an Oscar. And it was for sound editing. So maybe a quarter.

03.13 Apparently there’s an Oscar for ‘sound mixing’. Well, Les Mis just won it. 

03.02 At least two Cambridge alumni performing Les Mis on stage right now. So we have to take partial blame for producing this.

02.57 WP: ‘Is that Whitney Houston?’

02.55 Michael Haneke just tweeted about his Oscar win:

02.52 Amour wins Best Foreign Picture. Haneke did not look like he cared whatsoever. Ah who cares John Travolta is on!

02.51 Will Pithers: ‘Is Amour in French?’

02.47 Nancy Napper Canter just bailed. Even our film editor doesn’t want to read this blog.

02.46 Best Documentary: Searching for Sugar Man. Sweet title.

02.45 Macfarlane: ‘I would argue that the actor who really got inside Lincoln’s head was John Wilkes Booth … Too soon, huh? 150-years and it’s still too soon?’

02.42 Liam Neeson just presented an award. It, like most of the night, wasn’t funny. This is.

02.38 Best Short Documentary goes to Innocente, a film that tells the story of a teenage artist tackling immigration laws and homelessness. The girl who just got up to accept the award was homeless a year ago. The comedy is failing, but we’ve got some sentimentality to keep us going. I know you guys are with us.

02.35 I’m already feeling nostalgic about Macfarlane, when he still had the respect of the industry and artistic integrity. And great jokes about Matthew Mcconaughey.

02.33 Best Live Action Short Film goes to Curfew – I know a lot of you out there were rooting for this one!

02.31 Those sweet, sweet days of green grass and pre-Oscars Macfarlane.

02.25 ‘Gooold Fingaaaa’ – Shirley Bassey, you should not be singing. Get on Adele.

02.24 JM: ‘The 90s was all about explosions’. Thank god one of us is old enough to come out with such insights.

02.22 Little James Bond tribute. ‘We don’t like you enough to nominate you, but we’ll get Halle Berry to fumble her way through a wooden speech, and show a mini montage’

02.20 Best Make-up for Les Mis? Did the Academy see Anne hathaway’s face?

02.18 In the vein of an Oscars night centred around bigging up America, is this Best Picture Nomination just a token gesture to suggest the establishment cares about black people? Some people think so.

02.12 Visual Effects goes to Life of Pi. All icing and no cake.

02.05 Holy fucking shit I think Saruman just won best cinematography for Life of Pi. Bloody CGI wizard.

02.03 JM: ‘The emotional pay-off in Life of Pi is “Believe in God because it’s a bit nicer.”

02.00 So far this has been quite a shambles. The get-the-fuck-off-the-stage music keeps playing way too early, jokes are falling flat and now a film about a ginger girl has just won Best Animation.

01.59 Best Animated Short Film – Paperman. This made James Mitchell cry, and you can see it for free here:

01.58 Oh my god fewer people are laughing at Paul Rudd’s jokes than are reading this blog.


If you can correctly predict Best Actor, Actress, Picture and Director, you will win a Tab t-shirt. The Tab is going all out tonight.


01.51 Ok so Nancy is winning – Waltz gives a graceful bow. Camera cuts to Tarantino, the slimy toad. His top button has dissolved off his shirt from all his gross sweat.

01.50 Predictions for Best Supporting Actor

JM: Tommy Lee Jones

WP: The Bald Guy

NNC: Christoph Waltz

TS: Alan Arkin

01.48 Macfarlane has bombed. All that hype. All that hope. Is it possible to do this well?

01.46 Macfarlane used to be funnier.

01.44 “Denzel Washngton doesn’t care. He’s got a great sense of humour. He did all those Nutty Professor movies”

01.43 It’s like just because you know it’s shit, it doesn’t stop it from being shit. Macfarlane has apparently taken a leaf out of our book.

01.40 So Macfarlane’s opening bit has been some weirdly overwrought self-deprecating ironic joke, wherein his opening speech is about his opening speech. Add William Shatner into the mix … not a great start.

01.38 “Django is a man who has been confronted with unspeakable violence. Or as Rhianna and Chris brown call it, a date movie”.

01.37 This is waaaaaay too post-ironic.

01.34 Seth Macfarlane’s opening monologue has begun, and the night is underway

01.29 JM: Do you think the Americans feel the same way about Daniel Day Lewis playing Lincoln as we do about Renee Zellweger playing Bridget Jones?

01.25 Red carpet is coming to a close. I know that you’re all as excited as we are to get down to business. lol jk

01.23 JM: Yeah, yeah, Anne Hathway’s great and everything BUT HOW TALL IS SHE??

01.19 Sky just furnished a four minute conversation about beards. ‘Alex, do you like a beard?’ ‘Yeh, I like a beard’ – ‘Ben Affleck is the king of the beards’

01.17 DENZEL

01.15 The red carpet is pink, by the way. Nobody seems to find that important. Nobody seems to find much about this very important.

01.09 ‘The ‘Sky Presenter’, it’s Kristin Chenoweth, renowned Broadway star and she’s an official Oscars presenter, not just Sky’s.’ – Thanks anonymous commenter – I hate Kristin Chenoweth. She punctuates every sentence with ‘baby’, and is positively drooling over Adele’s toes.

01.05 JM: FYI it’s not called the 85th Annual Academy Awards this year. It’s just “The Oscars”, apparently in a bid to make it more accessible. Clearly embarrassed that Emmanuelle Riva’s been around for longer than them.

01.00 Will Pithers: ‘All the dresses make the women look like marine animals. Like a slinky black number myself. A dress I mean.’

00.54 Oh my god James Mitchell has just found this absolute gem:

00.52 Adele is our only hope.

00.50 Speaking of Halle Berry, here is an absolute classic Oscar speech. Turn it up really loud, and it’ll sound like you’re watching porn.

00.48 Will Pithers: ‘What has Charlize Theron done to her hair?! She looks like a white Halle Berry’

00.46 Sky Presenter (SP): ‘OH MA GAD I just have to ask you how tall are you because I think we’re the same height!’


00.41 ‘Is the Pope Catholic!?’ – that’s the type of shite this presenter is coming out with.

00.38 If you’re so into movies that you can’t bear the wait until the awards start getting handed out, check out this incredible short film:

00.36 NNC: The fact that Pi continually refers to the tiger Richard Parker by his full name is one of my favourite irritating things about Ang Lee’s multicoloured bonanza. Pi and Parker live on a boat together for the entirety of the film’s spiritual journey. Just because he’s a tiger, doesn’t mean he can’t have a nickname.

00.35 JM: Just heard the cast of Les Mis are performing tonight on stage. This won’t end well. Hopefully the cast of Django will intervene and put us out of our misery.

00.31 For all of those who are still up, and still tuned in, you may well be asking yourself why bother blogging about the Oscars. B’coz we got joke gifs


00.30 Sky Presenter: ‘The red carpet’s about 500 feet long… that’s about 2000 of me’

00.29 lol nipples

00.26 The most underrated moments of these live ceremonies are when seriously old people are clearly going senile. I hope someone comes close to Clint Eastwood tonight.

00.16 Sky presenter: ‘between you and me, I hope Quvenzhané Wallis [the 9 year old girl up for Best Actress] doesn’t win the Oscar.’ Between you and me? You’re on live tv love. Bitch. We’re gunning for you Quvenzhané.

00.15 Katheryn Bigelow’s CIA bumming film Zero Dark Thirty was actually meant to be about the failed attempt to hunt down Osama Bin Laden. But in the middle of production they actually succeeded in killing him… and Bigelow’s movie was completely screwed. Lol should have just quit. Other than that cool Call Of Duty ending, the film was just an American army recruitment video.

00.05 Apparently when Tarantino wanders around his estate, he just says, ‘my imagination bought this.’ He has no family.

23.55 Everyone knows that Joaquin Phoenix is fucking weird. Ever since he suddenly gave up his acting career to pursue a brief rap stint, swiped his chewing gum on David Letterman’s desk, and called the Academy Awards ‘bullshit’, he’s had no hope of scooping an award. But everyone overlooks his early work:

23.47 All Alex Zane seems to want to talk about on Sky Movies is how Lincoln is the best thing ever. Digested read: people don’t want to support the amendment, Abe tells them some completely irrelevant story, and suddenly they do want to support the amendment. Apparently Day-Lewis is a dead cert. #emperorsnewclothes

23.40 The stars are hitting the red carpet – Amy Adams is looking like a bird. Lol she has no chance of winning tonight.