How To: Befriend BNOCS

BNOCS. You know who they are. They (probably don’t) know who you are. It’s time to make your move. Strike when the prey is least expecting it, while the pigeon is drinking and the iron is still hot. Here are all the things you need to know to befriend a BNOC:

Show no fear.

Like lemurs, they’re more afraid of you than you are of them. Introduce yourself with a bold claim. My personal favourite is to look them square in the eye, and tell them that I’ve killed four men. Then I back away slowly, maintaining eye contact, before exiting the venue. Always leave them wanting more.

Charm, charm and more charm.

What’s that I hear you say? You’re not naturally charming? Nonsense! I know you’re charming and I’ve never even met you. You, my friend, are Charmander, apprentice to Professor Flitwick. All you need to do is work it – it’s all about the intimate touch. Nothing says potential friend like a gentle butterfly-kiss to the cheek. Brush up that range of compliments. Why compliment their hair when you can compliment their mother?  Just remember – get personal, not naked.

Peacock like there’s no tomorrow.

While it’s true that everyone is beautiful, and that it’s what inside that counts, and that Jesus loves you, these platitudes won’t cut it in BNOC land. Here, the weak get eaten for breakfast, and the unfashionable are chloroformed at birth. You need to dress aggressively, but not so that the BNOC will assume you’re just another violent stalker. You’re so much more than that. You’re a prospective friend. You need to communicate this subtle difference via the medium of apparel. Woo him with your garments. That t-shirt with the hilarious slogan, ‘I went there and I bought the t-shirt’? A must. The novelty hat from Uzbekistan which smells faintly of hashish? More of that please. Dazzle that BNOC with your splendour.

The less subtle the better

Know your moves.

Befriending a BNOC is a ceremony in its own right. An obscure mating ritual, if you will. You’re in a dance. The dance is complex. No one quite knows the steps. But everyone knows the tune. Get onto the floor. This could be the sports pitch, the stage, or the union. Every BNOC has their territory – all you have to do is enter it. Once you’re on the floor, pull out your best moves. This could be that speech about Gambian refugees you’ve been saving up for a rainy day. Or that Lady Macbeth monologue everyone said was so energetic. As long as it leaves an impression, it’s done its job.

Create common ground.

Relating to a BNOC is difficult. They’re on a higher plane of being. They’ve been places you and I have only ever dreamt of. Like the ADC Dressing Room 2. Or in between the goal posts on an Emma pitch. Pepper your conversation with references to your own exotic lifestyle – the more glamorous, the better: ‘So then I said to Pippa, this party couldn’t be any worse if you’d planned it yourself.’ ‘Got to the top of Mount Kili in an hour. View was shite. Made it back in time for Pointless.’ ‘The shark had his foot in my mouth, but I sang him a bit of ‘Auld Lang Syne’ and he swam away, drunk on lyrical beauty.’ Like I said, the more outlandish, the better. BNOCs crave the colourful.

The queen beenoc in her natural habitat

Remember the balance.

The BNOC is the alpha. You are the beta. Never forget this crucial difference. Make several small signs of your inferiority during your interaction. Personally, I like to start with a lot of genuflecting. But that’s just me. Others have been known to play with their hair or fidget a lot. Follow Hugo’s example on MIC in relation to Spencer. That boy knows how to head-tilt. You’re not the king here. You’re Robin, Toto and Samwise Gamgee. He is Kirk, Sherlock and Dorothy. It’s a tried and tested balance. As long as you get this equilibrium right, you won’t go very far wrong.

Good luck, fellow civilians.