Tab Tries: Probing Presidents

We show you the CUSU presidential hopefuls as you’ve never seen them before.

akilah jeffers ben gliniecki Cameron clegg communism condiment CUSU cusu president election elections JCR MCR miliband politics rosalyn old Scandal Sex Union vote voting

As you can’t have failed to notice, CUSU elections are mega soon. We love a good manifesto as much as the next person, but they don’t answer the questions that matter. The Tab gets behind the glamour and big money to show you the real presidential candidates.

Ben Gliniecki: Selwyn, Law

What has made you run for president?

I think CUSU needs to be more outward-looking and put the needs of students first. The things that are affecting students most are the cuts and the fees, and that’s due to the global economic crisis.

So, you see CUSU becoming a bit more political?

Yeah, I think CUSU is political whether we like it or not and I think that it should be.

Where would you like to see CUSU in five years’ time?

I’d like to see CUSU as part of a mass-movement of students and workers against austerity, fighting for a viable alternative.

Wow. Goodness me.

So, Ben. Who do you think would win in a fight to the death, Helen Mirren or John Major?

*laughs uncomfortably* Um… John Major. Tories always play more dirty.

Do you have a favourite historical battle?

Um… Ah… Does the Russian revolution count? It was a triumph and victory for working people against oppression.

Have you ever been a member of a cult?


Do you have a Karaoke song of choice?

I’ve done ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ quite a few times.

Mmm. Is that would you would like people to do regarding your campaign?

I think so. Yeah.

So, how far are you prepared to go to achieve your ends? How do you feel about public nudity?

Uhh… I think my ideas on their own are probably enough.

So, the cerebral approach as opposed to the physical? Okay. Some do, some don’t.

Yeah, pretty boring, I know.

Okay Ben. Snog, Marry, Avoid: Cameron, Clegg, Miliband.

I think I would marry David Cameron. Keep your biggest enemy closest to you.

Yup. Like that. Maybe a bit of domestic violence there?

Probably, yeah. Actually, no. I can’t say that. I’d snog Miliband, simply because I’d like to avoid Clegg.

Do you enjoy water sports?

[laughs] No, I’ve never tried them.

Yeah, me neither. What a ridiculous question.

Do you have fist names? And if not, what would they be?

Karl and Friedrich.

In a room this size, who would win in a fight: Four men on horseback, or 100 seven year old girls? Bear in mind the dimensions…

Yeah. Maneuverability would be an issue. I’d say the girls.

Do you have a favourite relish or condiment?

[hesitates] Um… Ketchup.

Think fast: BNP or EDL?

[looks worried] They’re both as bad as each other.

If you could invent a new subject for Cambridge University, what would it be?

Trade Union and Labour studies.

Is there really three years in that?

Yes. Definitely.


Akilah Jeffers: Girton, English

What makes you want to be CUSU president?

Having been involved in CUSU. In my first year I was on Girton JCR, and that’s how I found out what CUSU does. Then, in my second year, I got involved in the CUSU campaign for black and minority students, which was about creating equality across the university. Actually, that role was quite high profile… and then I was CUSU secretary as well. The point of CUSU is to represent students, and I’ve done that in different ways. But there are some great things that could be done, that I don’t think are being tapped into.

Where do you see CUSU in five years’ time?

I’d like students to know about it. Sounds like a silly thing, but so many students don’t. I’d like to see a CUSU building; it’s something to aspire towards. It can be a social space for ents, for societies and so on. So students can go to a CUSU bar, that it’s relevant and exciting.

Great, Akilah. So: Cats or Dogs?

In what capacity?

A domestic capacity?

Dogs. Dogs. Do you want a reason, or just dogs?

Hey, if you’ve got a reason…

Well when I was in Taiwan, I made friends with a dog.

Do you think you could outrun a rutting wolverine?

What’s a wolverine?

Snog, Marry, Avoid: Cameron, Clegg, Miliband?

Ooh my gosh! Avoid Clegg. I think he’s a bit duplicitous. Ed Miliband or David Miliband? And I think I’d marry David Cameron, you know. He’s interesting, I could work with that.

When was the last time you cried?

Oh. When my goldfish died.

Was this an illegal goldfish, Akilah?

[horrified] No! This was at home, over Christmas. It was very sad. Findus, he was called Findus.

Oh, I am sorry. What’s your favourite relish?

Barbeque sauce!

Are you free on Saturday night?

I could be…

Ooh. Saucy.

In a room this size, who would win in a fight, four men on horseback, or 100 seven year old girls?

If they’re fighting? Probably the men on horseback.

What is your karaoke song of choice?

I’m tempted to say ‘Billie Jean’

…And your signature dance move?

[squeals with glee] Ooooh! Oh oh ooh! Which one do I choose? The running man. Or the moon walk.

Most embarrassing Cambridge experience?

I nearly got run over by an ambulance once. Does that count? Is that okay?

That’s perfect.

Okay: It’s May Week, picture the scene. Would you rather: jump off Orgasm Bridge naked, or jelly wrestle at the Wyverns’ garden party in a state of undress?

Oh! For fuck’s sake! Does it all have to involve nakedness? Can I not wear a bikini?

You can jelly wrestle in a bikini…

I would quite like to jelly wrestle.


Rosalyn Old: Robinson, Land Economy


What made you go for CUSU president?

Well, I was Robinson JCR president, and I really loved getting involved, making improvements around college, and working with other colleges and so on …this is the chance to do that again on a much bigger level.

One big objection to CUSU is that students don’t really know what it does, and that it doesn’t have much of a presence. What would you do to counter that?

I’d have a campaign on a university level about what CUSU does for us…. I would like an officer to go to a college each term for a question-and-answer session. I also think the website at the moment is very clunky and out of date, I’d update that.

Where would you like to see CUSU in five years’ time?

I’d like to see it financially sustainable, at the moment it’s very vulnerable because of a financial system which is very convoluted. I’d also love to see CUSU in its own building. I’d love to see it as a social hub.

So, Cats or Dogs?

Dogs. There was a comment about me drowning kittens in TCS the other day.

Would you rather lose and arm or a leg?

Difficult. Would the arm include the hand?

Um. Yeah. I think if you’re losing your arm, the hand’s got to go.

[looks confused] I think probably a leg… Your hands feel more useful.

What is your favourite relish?

As in, for a burger?

Yes. A condiment.

Probably mayonnaise.

If I locked you in my gyp, what would you cook me?

A chocolate cake.

The way to my heart. So, are you free on Saturday night?




Unequivocal No?

I’m in a relationship.

In a room this size, who would win in a fight: four men on horseback or 100 seven year old girls?

I think 100 seven year old girls. Because they could pull their hair and weave around.

What is your karaoke song of choice?

Probably the Spice Girls.

Classic. And your signature dance move?

A little twirl maybe?

I Like that. And what has been your most embarrassing Cambridge moment so far?

I walked into the wrong lecture once and sat down. Everyone was like “what are you doing here?”

Okay, picture the scene. It’s May Week, are you going to: Jump off Orgasm Bridge naked, or jelly wrestle in a state of undress at the Wyverns’ garden party?

Well. Um.

Come on, it’s been a crazy week. You’ve taken things a little too far

Well, I guess with jelly wrestling you’d be allowed some clothes on.

What is the craziest thing you’re willing to do to win this campaign?

I don’t want to do anything crazy.

Have you done anything compromising so far?

Absolutely not.

Serious information about the elections can be found here. Voting opens tomorrow morning, and The Tab will be making our contribution in the only way we know how.