Tab Dos and Don’ts: Sexual Perversion

Want to perv Cambridge-style? RUTH MARINER presents the guidelines…

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Between the realms of exciting, sophisticated sexual genius and maladjusted horny weirdo there lies a fine line, which could be the difference between your finest achievements and your biggest disasters. Luckily, the escapades of our fellow Cantabs have provided us with some lessons; here are three golden rules on how to cock it well, not cock it up. 

Reveal to only those who will appreciate it.

‘Public prude private perv’ is the rule that you want to remember. It’s true you may have bedroom skills, but bragging is honestly the last thing anyone wants to overhear when in the Post Office queue. Where sex is concerned, people pay attention only to facts relating to, number one: themselves, and number two: people they fancy, so they can think of these people pleasuring number one, themselves. Reproduction is a narcissistic business.

The best example of this, of course, is the infamous Cambridge Masturbator: the freak who, last October, started having a wank outside the window of Jessica O’Driscoll-Breen (a second-year philosopher) with a torch to his groin. Whilst, for him, this audacious ‘shadow puppetry’ may have been wank-bank gold; if he gets caught, no-one’s going to want to sit next to him in the library and someone will probably spoon some mayo on the back of his gown at graduation.


Forward Planning.

If you’re a pervert, then the earlier you accept it the better. Denial will only land you with a prude, and middle age and a mortgage is probably boring enough without having to endure either an unenthused impotent husband, or a bored wife with a baby-tunnel fanny.

A healthy stream of sexual excitement will make you less likely to screw up like one elderly Cambridge scientist did this summer when a rent boy blackmailed him into handing over £6000, threatening to reveal his ‘experimentation’ to the man’s wife. Although Ellis was eventually caught and jailed, and the Daily Mail refrained from revealing the academic’s identity (suspicious). We can all think of a dozen high-flyers who have not been so lucky. Politicians, when will you learn?

Market yourself well.

But the beauty of a life of scholarship is, surely, that you can get paycheques and prestige for pursuing any of your interests so long as you’re (kind-of) smart. By making your perversion professional, you obtain a cocktail canapé that makes you look intelligent, interesting and sexually enticing all at once; all that’s left is the dress…

Plugging this approach at Cambridge is medievalist Dr Louise Haywood, who’s recently published book “Sex, Scandal and Sermon in Medieval Spain” it is apparently of great importance for its contemporary references and literary scope, with a particular focus on the relationship between the body and visual culture. I am sure that short blurb is enough to get anyone excited.

A doctrine of truth?

So there you have it. Perversion can make them squirm and hurry bedwards, or it can be pulled off with the ultimate in Cantab cool. Don’t be too flash with the cash, too brash about gash, just learn from the mistakes of our Cambridge predecessors. It could mean the difference between a life of joyful sexual deviance, and a restraining order.