Booze School For Oxford Chundergraduates

Oxford Undergrads are being forced to attend alcohol awareness sessions after a messy bop got out of hand.

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Students at University College in Oxford will attend compulsory alcohol awareness lectures after a college bop ended in excessive vomiting.

Following a Freshers’ Week event that ended in liquid disaster, the Dean is making ‘Misuse of Alcohol’ lectures compulsory for first and second year students.

Pictured: University College. Not pictured: contents of first years’ stomachs

In an email to all Univ students, Dean Michael Collins said the college would hold the mandatory “educational experience” to “warn [students] of the risks associated with the misuse of alcohol.”

It all began at the Freshers’ Week bop, which an anonymous ents official described as getting: “a bit out of hand.” Freshers started the night at subject initiations before moving onto the actual event. The official says that after a night of heavy drinking students “started vomiting everywhere.”

The floors of their college bar were coated in sick and disabled toilets were “covered in red wine vom.” The unlucky students tasked with clearing up afterwards also suffered.

The official remembers one second year girl helping to clean up was so overcome by the mess she added to the pile of vomit on the floor.


Now the Dean is cracking down on drunken behaviour with enforced alcohol awareness and extra fines. Earlier this term the Univ rugby team was fined £100 for a traditional naked dash through town.

Charlie Mondelli, a first year historian isn’t too pleased. “I see that the college wants to take care of us,” he said, “but clamping down because a few students rode the chunder dragon seems too harsh.”

And binge drinking isn’t just a Dark Blue problem. Following an “increase in excessive drinking” this term, the Master and Senior Tutor of Downing College sent all students a warning about binging, saying it could damage students’ career prospects as well as their livers.