All I Want For Christmas Is Pubes: Part 1

Movember is over, and KATIE MAIR wants a new hairy challenge. So, pull down your knickers, and start styling those pubes.

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The boys have had Movember. Juan’s had his word on it. Now we have entered December, and upper lips have been returned to their usual, naked state. But all this buzz around the facial fuzz has got us thinking: how does one wear one’s downstairs hair?

Here at The Tab we love genitals, and we love debate. In a beautiful fusion of frizz and free choice we bring you the question on everyone’s lips (labia?). Hairy, bare, barely-there? Who’s to say what’s right or wrong when it comes to furnishing one’s front-bum? Vajazzled, wild and free, bald like Phil Mitchell: ladies, there are no rules.

Men who see porn as an accurate reflection of real life might suggest that unfuzzed vaginas are standard fare for females. This is quite crap if you are a woman, because you will look like a child if you have sex, and feel like a child every time you glance down mid-wee, and pointlessly risk itchy re-growth, infected follicles, and age-related identity crisis.

Sexism aside, it also poses issues for insulation. It is winter-time, and no-one needs a vulnerable vagina when temperatures are plummeting. Keep your muff cosy and flaunt the fluff.

We have collated a few classic takes on pube styling, and included a few more off-piste suggestions for the more adventurous hair-care maverick.

The Enchanted Forest: Favourite among the free-spirited, The EF allows the wearer total freedom of expression. Make no attempt to tame the tresses, but work with your own natural landscape to create your very own pubic pastoral. Plait corn-rows for a harvest scene, or weave in some miniature bells for a soundtrack that transports the listener back to pastures of yore. Goodness, you could even include a few pine needles to create the other-worldly excitement of Narnia’s wardrobe-ful of fur. Pros: painless, natural, virtually endless creative possibilities

Cons: could turn into Mr Twit’s beard if furnishing the shrubbery with additional accessories gets too enthusiastic

The Dairylea Triangle: Simple and realistic, it’s a popular choice, and it’s not hard to see why. The Dairylea endures as a mainstay on the minge menu  (I am so sorry that I had to go there already. There are only so many alliterative synonyms for fanny). Pros: timeless classic; minimal maintenance; unlikely to induce identity crisis/laughter upon viewing

Cons: pretty unoriginal; unfortunate associations with cheese

Sex On Fire: Doubly exciting if your secondary hair is ginger, this beacon of bush will guide even the most disoriented of sex sailors back home. Triply apt if you are red-haired and suffering from cystitis. Pros: evokes feelings of warmth in the beholder (a convenient substitute for love, genuine human companionship, etc); allows wearer to make legitimate references to Javine’s 2005 hit single and Eurovision entry, Touch My Fire

Cons: difficult to contain within conventional pants; looks more sooty than smokin’ if the pubes are black; time-consuming to craft

The (Christmas) Eve: An upside-down version of the SOF, the fig-leaf design brings a touch of Old Testament glamour to any vagina. Vajazzle on a couple of red sequins, and you have yourself the festive bush alluded to in parenthesis.

Pros: earns points with the vicar; can be customised to be suitably seasonal; instant fancy dress solution for the brave

Cons: potentially damages your relationship with the vicar for all of time. Using your frizz as fancy dress might result in prosecution in a court of law

The Yule Log: Sticking with the Yuletide theme, crafting this psychedelic style will serve as an excellent afternoon of procrastination. And, a nice bonus, the end result is satisfyingly similar to everyone’s favourite Christmas treat. Pros: immense satisfaction upon completing pruning project; unlikely to induce any of those awkward moments in the group changing rooms upon realising you’ve matching muff fluff. God knows we all hate it when that happens.

Cons: complex, requiring precision tools and a steady hand; resembles some kind of dirty dartboard

Hairy Potter: Excavate a lightening bolt in your pubic hair, and demonstrate how a picture can say a thousand words. Or at the very least, four. Powerful, magic, bright, explosive: the lightening strike is the perfect way to say you’re not one to be messed with, and to state your support for J K Rowling. Pros: won’t require much growing out if it goes wrong, makes wearer feel like a powerful wizard

Cons: one slip of the hand and you’re dangerously close to the mess that is the Hogwarts Christmas Party

Boys, check back later this week for more pube maintenance tips.