How To Blag First Year

You won’t get through your degree without a few cheeky short-cuts. From sleeping to sauce, KATIE MAIR is here to suggest a few tips for making it all look effortless.

best friend blag cooking Freshers friends Lectures pulling short cut Sleep

You’ve got through the first two weeks of Cambridge, and while you should pause for a quick bit of self-congratulation, don’t get too comfy because you’ve now got the rest of the year to get through. But don’t worry, we’ve figured out how to blag it, and we’ve written it down in five easy steps:

1. Pull an older student.

Why? Older students will give you helpful slaps and remind you that first year doesn’t count. This will keep you grounded, and the head-injuries will help to distract you from the mass of other physical ailments you will have contracted by week three (bruised ego, herpes, wounded pride etc).

How? To ensure the subject of your desire is at least a second year, check their pupils. If they are bright and excited, they are either freshers or enjoying illegal highs. Either way, avoid them. If they pass that test, do some half-arsed grinding, buy them a shot, and let them stop for cheesy chips on the way home. You’re in.

2. Get a partner in crime.

Why? If About A Boy taught us anything, it was that no man is an island. Get one really good mate, and you will always have someone to team up with on 2 for 1 Chocolate Fingers, a wingman for pulling expeditions, and a masseuse for your sun cream. Having a partner in crime therefore saves you money, lands you shags and protects against skin cancer. It’s a beautiful thing.

Even the Doctor doesn’t travel alone.

How? Looking and smelling appealing is a good start, so apply some talc and a clean sweater. Casually enquire about your potential pal’s feelings on the Beyonce v Rihanna debate. If you share mutual opinions on the matter then proceed to get heinously drunk together. The day after, you should nurse the hangover with a share bag of Cool Original Doritos, and take turns to rub each other’s backs as you whimper and vom into your lecture notes. Congratulations! You are now BFFs, just like John and Edward.

3. Equip your kitchen with secret weapons.

Why? Making great snacks will help you catch friends and secure older students (see 1 and 2). A few secret weapons make all food taste nicer and look more appealing, which is helpful for negotiating cases of superficial mould and minor rancidity.

Get Ketchup. Lots of it.

How? Buy ketchup, Marmite and piri-piri sauce. Ketchup is delicious with everything. Try different styles of dispatch for different occasions: a big fat splodge for a celebration, or a smiley face for a sad friend, for example. Marmite makes good pasta sauce (Nigella says so), and makes everything taste meaty, good for weak vegetarians. Piri-piri sauce in porridge is basically a very trendy risotto, so save that in your saucy armoury to drop at a dinner party.

4. Get secret sleep. All the time.

Why? With some sleep in the bank, you’ll be a nicer, more energetic person, with a more engaging personality and an impressive array of chat. You will also be cleverer at work and sexier at dancing, so it’s a really good thing to do.

How? The trick is to break up sleeping into little chunks of slumber, to be dispersed throughout the day and night. If you can get five hours in the night you’re off to a great start. Add an hour in a lecture and 60 seconds every time you’re at traffic lights, and you are up to at least six hours, two minutes and 30 seconds of sleep. Other handy micro-sleeps can be squeezed in whilst waiting for the microwave to ding, when you’re on the phone to your nan, and between courses at formal.

5. Take all possible short-cuts at all possible times.

Why? If you want to get ahead, you’re going to have to be keeping one eye on the clock, and one eye on the game. Time is of the bloody essence, and you’ll need as much of it as you can get your grubby hands on.

How? Got reading? Don’t use your eyes like all those other idiots! You’re going to need to keep them moist and twinkly for searching out new best mates with. Instead, Google a Youtube tutorial or download a podcast. Spending too long in the shower? Shave your head, and you’ll never have to wash your hair again. Out of touch with the world of soaps? 4oD on fast-forward and catch the entire Hollyoaks omnibus just 10 minutes. If it feels a bit illegal, you’re doing it right.