Top Trumps: 5 Worst Ever Films

There are two kinds of bad film. There is the “You’ll be paying me back for those two hours of my life” bad, and then there is “WHY does this not get hourly screenings in Times Square?” bad.

Take Aristotle’s advice for artists: Probable impossibilities are to be preferred to improbable possibilities. The unwatchable-y bad category is always disappointing because it relies on improbable possibilities. Take Along Came Polly; firstly, Ben Stiller, if you know that eating spicy food causes what can only be described as a serious gastric disorder, then why not suggest that, no Polly, you don’t want Ethiopian food. And when you run out of toilet paper at Polly’s apartment, it is about the single most improbable possibility that you will consider using her pet ferret. My belief has no longer been suspended, but expelled.

But the second category, films that Rihanna would describe as “may be bad, but perfectly good at it,” deserve some credit. It is that particular niche of film that has a Rotten Tomatoes rating of zero and that never even manages to skip a theatrical release to go straight to DVD. That niche that can only be found in anaemically dark, cult cinemas or in a landfill tucked behind a neon-emblazoned dry cleaner cum massage parlour and a Dunkin’ Donuts outlet deep in the San Fernando Valley.

I give you, the five best worst-ever-films:

1.The Room (2003)

Now achieved Cult status. The source of the $6m production budget is unknown and Wiseau, the director/producer/protagonist, has refused to comment, admitting only that a portion was raised by importing leather jackets from North Korea. Although, technically, there are no prosthetics used, the category has been extended in the case of The Room to account for Wiseau’s face. Bonus points are awarded for unexplained framed cutlery that can be spotted in most shots.

Disturbing Hidden Agenda? The film is not so much misogynistic as a proprietor of chauvinism. Lisa, the female lead, is inexplicably vindictive and cold. She also wears a lot of red, which probably means she is the devil.

Most incomprehensible line:  “She’s a stupid bitch. She wants to control my life. I’m not going to put up with that. I’m going to do what I want to do, and that’s it. What do you think I should do? “

Watch the trailer

2.Troll 2 (1990)

Neither about trolls nor is a sequel. It is in fact about goblins (cf. exploitative use of midgets). It also involves a scene in which corn on the cob is used by a witch to seduce a minor.Bonus points are awarded for its use of a dentist instead of an actor as the supporting lead.

D.H.A.? Very aggressive anti-vegetarian, pro-meat agenda.

M.I.L.: You can’t piss on hospitality. I won’t allow it!

Watch the trailer

3.Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2008)

It’s all in the name.

D.H.A? It seems that the birds come retributively to punish Steve for his successful acquisition of the All American Dream. Set in the Silicon Valley, Birdemic very well may be a moralistic story warning against the dangers of Capitalism.

M.I.L:: “WHY DID THE EAGLES AND VULTURES ATTACKED?”

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4.Mac and Me sees McDonalds and Coca Cola take product placement to a new level. It is, essentially, the MaccyD/ Coke re-write of E.T. Although the alien can only be stabilized via the health imbuing qualities of Coca Cola. (Iknow, right?) Otherwise, it follows a fairly standard ’90s, children’s film plot: a group of crippled and racially diverse children take on a number of incompetent and inexplicably Aryan, FBI agents. Particularly memorable is the unexplained flash-mob dance scene, which seems to be a clear breach of the false advertising act: the customers all look uncharacteristically healthy and limber for McDonalds clientele. I at least am yet to meet someone capable of a double backflip, mid-Big Mac. Note that no-one has tried to do this since.

D.H.A.? Well, its agenda is so shameless that it could be misconstrued for ironic, so it may be missed. The promotion of fast food as a lifestyle choice that helps children to grow up to be that group of people often described as ‘outdoorsy’.

M.I.L: Unfortunately, although the message is deeply disturbing, its articulation is fairly coherent.

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5.Leprechaun 4: In Space (1997) raises the question: I understand why you must fight the tiny, evil man, but must you do so semi-naked? Bonus points are awarded for creating a lead that is exploitative of a midget.

D.H.A.? Unexplained anti-Irish sentiment.

M.I.L.: “As Shakespeare said, shit happens.”

Watch the trailer

So there you have it. Ladies and gentlemen; if you’re going to procrastinate, do it properly.