TOM RASMUSSEN presents: his guide to escaping exam term nothingness.
It’s Sunday: a week after last Sunday, and a week before next Sunday. This is possibly ALL THE NEWS I HAVE (aside from the fact that I’m starting to count days like Rebecca Black). Whether this can even be classed as news, I am irresolutely unsure. Is it just me, or is exam term more tiresome than watching back-to-back Countryfile repeats, alone, on a Monday night?
I spent today gathering together the myriad of scribbly jottings entitled ‘Column’ from around my room before realising that life in exam term is truly uneventful. Chances are, you’re browsing The Tab because something else has driven you to such inexpressible ennui that you are looking for an escape from your world of tedium (i.e: revision).
And boy, did you come to the right place! Luckily for you I have compiled a step by step plan to take your mind off… nothing and onto, well… something.
So here it is: Tom Rasmussen’s Guide to Escaping Exam Term Nothingness:
1. Use every toiletry you own. I don’t mean eventually, I mean every time you wash. Who knew that combining Original Source Lemon shower gel and Morrison’s Cookies and Cream body wash produces the smell of baby sick? Or that Dry Shampoo (the one with the gold glitter, obviously) plus High Volume Hairspray emulsifies when applied, to make a sparkly white crusty-paste? I’m uncovering hairdressing miracles – watch out John Frieda.
2. Go on a diet. The sensation you get just before you’re about to black-out from a lack of carbs really spices things up. Or conversely: eat everything. I’m engaging in the latter, and so far I’ve lost minus 5lbs. As depressing as the inability to don a t-Shirt without having to stretch it with all your vigour is, this new found flab gives you an excuse to…
3. Go shopping. That is all.
4. Sample every flavour of the ‘7 for £1.50’ Options hot chocolate sachets from Sainsbury’s. At the moment I’m mega addicted to Turkish Delight, but Jazzy Ginger is also nice if you’re in search of a wee kick. The Belgian Chocolate one, on the other hand, doesn’t come up with the goods.
5. Get your free fudge sample EVERY day. Make a marked effort to leave your room and walk (or run, if you want to get there before all the big pieces are gone) to the fudge shop. Fresh air is important too, you know!
6. Facebook. This is by far the most effective method of procrastination. The overwhelming thrill of discovering I got a score of ‘Jimmy Nail’ on the Northern-o-meter is better than a Domino’s BBQ Chicken pizza (XL). Facebook stalking is even better, and the best thing about it is that nobody has a clue that you know everything about their life: where they’re going on holiday, who they’re dating, how the sleepover on Saturday was “mega lolz.” Ignore the fact that these people (because stalking just one person would be weird) are completely unaware of your existence…
And, there you have it!
Now I know exactly what you’re thinking, but who’ll be the one laughing when I’m sectioned on June 5th and get to miss all of my exams? My demise into madness is all cleverly planned you see.
With Mr. King (the beautiful man living opposite me) never taking his eyes off his MacBook, or his top off his torso, I have been forced to stop draping my long locks out of the window in the hope that he’ll shout for his Rapunzel (me). This, combined with the fact that I can only procrastinate for a maximum of four hours without getting sticky hair, fat, and reeking of baby sick means that I, like many others, have been forced inside to do some work. Here’s to a loooooong May…
Illustration by Amy Jeffs