How to Celebrate the Royal Wedding

Stuck for plans for the Willie Holiday tomorrow? Make it a right royal piss up or escape the Wedding madness with The Tab’s events barometer for varying levels of enthusiasm.

bbc Diana Drinking eagle Elton John mitre pimms royal family royal wedding royalty willie wills and kate

Whether you are ‘edicted’ to Royal Wedding updates, have a love-Kate relationship with the majestic nuptials, or just fancy getting a little (Eton) Messy on Friday, this is the guide for you.

Royal Flush
If you’re in it for the Limited Edition Pimms and an excuse to placate your alcohol demons before midday, then you have full creative ‘reign’ with regards to thinking up rules for your Royal Wedding Drinking Game (Of Dreams). A selection from the Facebook group dedicated to getting sloshed every time you see someone posh includes these sapphires: ‘Down a shot every time William is clearly picturing Kate naked’; ‘A sip of beer every time Prince Charles is ugly’; ‘Two shots of rum if Elton John is spotted on screen and you are the last person to shout ‘Candle in the Wind’’; ‘Drink everything in the house if the ghost of Diana appears in the background.’ The Beeb (specifically Welsh hottie Huw Edwards) are hosting coverage on BBC1 from 8am (Royality check! Massive Lad = Early start!) but the actual ceremony doesn’t start until 11am. Watch it at one of these pubs – The County Arms (from 9.30am), The Eagle (11am), The Mitre (10am), The Baron of Beef (11am) – and pretend that your exams aren’t taking place in under five weeks.

Right Royal Knees Up
If you’re a die-hard royalist looking for a princely start to your weekend, then head to Ely Cathedral to watch the nuptials under the Octagon. Doors open at 10am, with coverage beginning at 11am, followed by a Royal Garden Party at 2pm and a special screening of ‘The King’s Speech’ in the evening (tickets available here), so that you can compare William’s considerable hair loss aged 28 to that of Colin Firth’s aged 50. If you still haven’t had enough of Wills and Kate ‘making it regal’ then head to King’s College Chapel on Saturday evening at 6.30pm for ‘Music for Easter…and a Royal Wedding.’ That ellipsis can hardly contain our excitement.

Fit for Royal-Tea
It is too late to apply for permission to hold a street party. But it is not too late to stage a coup and crash one of these: Cavendish Avenue, Champneys Walk, Chesterton Hall Crescent Road, Chesterton Road, George Road, Hurst Park, Kimberley Road, Magrath Avenue, Windsor Road. We’re hoping that an ill-informed member of the public will ask the crucial question, ‘Was Prince William a frog in a past life?’ to which we will answer: ‘Quite possibly, since he chose the day of his wedding to coincide with the 3rd Annual Save the Frogs Day, a worldwide celebration of amphibians, also scheduled for 29 April.’ 

Princess of Sales
Fewer restaurants and shops than you might expect are cashing in on Royal Wedding deals, much to our chagrin, but the munificent Hotel Chocolat are giving away FREE Eton Mess and Prosecco from 11am-2pm. Old faithful ASK is touting a majestic offer of 2 courses and a glass of Bellini Prosecco for £12.95 if you fancy an excuse to dine out this weekend, and B bar, that hideously exclusive over-21 venue so beloved of one ex-Tab Editor, is hosting a ‘quintessentially English tea party’ from late morning through to the afternoon. Jack Wills (and Kate) are paying their dues to their namesake and having a tea party on Saturday afternoon for all and sundry. I have it on good authority that the owners of snazzy gift shop Ark are wearing vintage wedding dresses in a bid to persuade unsuspecting Japanese tourists to buy their over-priced wedding memorabilia, and the Cambridge Wine Merchant is selling everything at full price. Because ‘We’re in a Recession, sweet cheeks’.

Willy Holliday
Fucking hate the Royals? Can’t understand why Kate’s extensive knee-high boot collection is garnering quite such hysterical levels of attention? Don’t care whether The Dress is made by Alexander McQueen, Libélula, or Hullaballoo, and, furthermore, find it infinitely amusing that The Dress currently has a personality of its own, denoted by its promotion from normal noun to proper noun? Fear not, Republicans. There is light at the end of the tunnel (so long as it isn’t blocked by a satin train of 25 feet or more) which takes the form of D’Arry’s, who are offering ‘lunch without a hitch’. Salute the pun. The anti-celebration ‘Kate-ers’ for those who fancy the glory of imperial dining with none of the straining to the see the television, including oysters and a string quartet, with a free glass of champagne for anyone ordering while the wedding is taking place between 11am and 1pm. Just make sure you ask your waiter for some Extra Virgin Olive Royal on the side.

Enough. Enough now.