Platinum Tabs – Guide Dog Awards Lent 2011
THE THEATRE GUIDE DOG honours the worthiest shows and thespians of Lent 2011, as voted by you. We’ve even got a new curtain.
SEE the Lent 2011 Golden Prig Winners HERE
Well, here we are. The finale. It’s been a magical journey – but mainly because I’ve been leading the way and have largely been spared the sight of your mawkish faces.
Lots of you did as you were told and voted – over 500 people for Best Play. That’s more than twice the ADC’s capacity, or enough to make for a whole sold-out run at Corpus (of which there are none).
But just because there are lots of you it doesn’t mean you made the right choices. That kind of certainty can only be obtained by having four legs, having ‘Theatre’ in your name and existing in only two dimensions.
Nonetheless, I think you’ve done fairly well for yourselves, the dogs that you aren’t. But you don’t even know what you’ve done yet.
Enough suspense – I’ll tell you with no more ado about anything (that isn’t a clue).
The Platinum Tabs 2011
Top of the Tab – for best play – Jet Set Go!
“This is a five-star show because it revels in its own ridiculousness and is so much goddamn fun”
“We knew where we stood, their tongues surgically implanted into their cheeks – yet with such poise and confidence we could just sit back and piss ourselves laughing”
On receiving the award, Director Florence Carr had this to say to all her cabin-crew-fixated voters:
“We are thrilled to accept the Platinum Tab award. Thank you so much to everyone who voted. Directing JET SET GO! has been my dream for three years and I am just so happy that everyone else enjoyed it. I believe that theatre is there to make people happy, and I think we did that in JET SET GO!
“Thank you so much to CUMTS for giving me the funding to put it on and thank you to the amazing cast and crew who all put in so much time and effort to help me realise my JET SET GO! dream and make the whole experience just so much fun. If you missed it in Cambridge, you can catch us at the Edinburgh Fringe this August…”
In Noises Off: “Ben Kavanagh, the fraught director of the play within, conveys his frustration wonderfully, with a realism which makes you wonder whether it may be a bit too close to the truth”
As Margot de Sade: “A true stage butterfly, flitting with vocal ease between the flirtatious joviality of Garland’s ‘Trolley Song’ and later boozy Judy, her voice heavy with broken dreams”
Confronted with the news of his triumph, the actor of the hour told The Tab:
“What a lovely gesture afforded me by the great patrons of Cambridge theatre. I feel genuinely privileged to be the recipient of best actor and against such a list of very considerate and accomplished actors. Thank you so much to all those who voted for me; incidentally, if you didn’t vote for me then come and see All My Sons in week two at the ADC Theatre and maybe I can make you change your mind!”
In Songs for a New World: “Talented… every note was hit square on”
In West Side Story: “Improved scene-by-scene… faultless during solos… passionately melodious”
Catherine told The Tab:
“Thank you so much for this award, and to everyone who voted. I have had a very hectic but amazing term and have enjoyed every minute. I would like to say a massive thank you to everyone involved in Jet Set Go!, Songs for a New World and West Side Story for giving me the opportunity to be involved in three such stunning productions.”
In numerous smokers: “Oh no! She’s going to talk about her vagina!’ Au contraire!… Tedder ended the night on a high.”
“Tear-inducingly funny” “Mildly terrifying”
In Anything But: “So open and unassuming that it took barely any time for us to be wholly on her side”
The freshly-crowned comedian responded to her award almost entirely graciously:
“How lovely! I don’t think I’ve ever won anything before. I’m touched and delighted. I’d like to share this award with all my fellow nominees… except Wang. He’s got enough awards – he can kiss my ass. Many thanks to all.”
NB) Abi didn’t speak the hyperlink – that’s impossible. But I put it in to help you. You’re welcome.
So, well done winners, well done voters, and most of all well done me – I’ve managed to go all this time without biting any of you. It’s not long until the (hopefully) spectacular return of Easter Theatre, and the whole of Tab Theatre (especially me) will be there to guide you every uncertain step of the way.
In the meantime you can rest easy for a week or two – I have no idea how I’m going to get this bow-tie off without opposable thumbs so may be here some time.
Even I’m allowed to use a cliché once every few dog years without exploding in self-loathing, so I’ll take the opportunity now to say thank you, and good night.