It’s The News!

Cameron backs happiness policy

David Cameron has thrown his support behind a nationwide “happiness” policy. Speaking to reporters, Mr Cameron emphasised that each government department had complete freedom to increase national happiness in whatever way necessary. However, when quizzed by It’s the News, Mr Cameron refused to discuss whether this would extend to allowing departments to reverse the cuts, job losses, and every other aspect of coalition policy that made everyone so unhappy in the first place.

Ed Miliband announces policy

The Labour Party has reacted with shock to Ed Miliband’s decision to actually announce a policy. A party spokesman said that his policy on fuel VAT was a totally unexpected aberration, and moved to reassure Labour voters that it wouldn’t destroy the party’s careful strategy of ensuring that Mr Miliband seemed benign instead of the bloody incompetent fool that he actually is.

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CUSU Elections end in landslide

Despite a near record turnout of 4,200 voters, Apathy continued it’s long held dominance over the Cambridge student political scene. A hard fought campaign by all the candidates did decrease the overall Apathy majority significantly, but the 14,000 who failed to turn out ensured another year of indifference. In its victory speech to an empty college JCR, Apathy started talking about the importance of student activism in a year of crisis but gave up five minutes in and went off home to watch Coronation Street instead.

Occupation of Senate House Lawn ends

The occupation of the Senate House Lawn by student protesters has ended after two days. A spokesman for Cambridge Defend Education said “We left with our heads held high.” Everyone else said: “They left because they had no heating, wi-fi or comfy chairs to settle into for a debate about organic milk using unnecessary hand signals and that the limits of student militarism isn’t the strength of the cause but the strength of the central heating.”

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IMAGE OF THE WEEK

Tully Wins CUSU Presidency: What have I done?!

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And in the paper edition of It’s the News, hand written by Indian children to save money

International News

America shows concern over potential Nuclear devastation of Japan 66 years too late (p18-19)

UN fails to do anything about Libyan no fly zone in usual display of cack-handed, moral incompetence (p19-21)

Sport

Mario Balotelli substituted in Europa League tie following allergic reaction to happiness (p21-23)

England Cricket Team reduce shit satirist to tears due to totally inconsistent world cup performances ensuring no jokes stick (p23-24)

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Wonders of the Universe, BBC 1, Sunday 9pm

Professor Brian Cox visits Cambridge for Lent bumps to explain how so many enormously boring people can coexist in such close proximity without an outbreak of despairing mass suicide occurring. The answer is: mild autism.

A Horizon Guide to Armageddon, BBC 4, Thursday 9pm

Worried about exam term? You won’t be after watching this…